Saturday, September 23, 2006

Fabulous Formosa

Competitive Baby Games

I went to Taichung Center for another event in the Competitive Baby Games today. I was very interested in witnessing Taiwan's competitive baby phenomenon again. Taiwan's competitive baby industry is world class with games and events for every gender, class and political persuasion. When I first became a father in Taiwan I wondered how I would be able to live vicariously through my daughter. Without many traditional sports I feared that I would have to focus on academics. I was getting ready to force my daughter into 10-12 hour school days. I was also preparing to threaten teachers and bribe officials to make sure she gets the top grades and dominates in the Social Darwin like classrooms in Taiwan. Then this whole Competitive Baby Games thing sort of fell into my lap.

One of the better qualities of my wife is that she is probably even more competitive than myself. She's been known to pistol whip after losing at back gammon. Anyway a few months ago my wife entered our daughter into a crawling contest. Unfortuantely, a lawsuit states that I am not allowed to really say too much about that day. Suffice to say the Sogo 'crawling contest,' wasn't the cleanest event. Pure chaos from the get go. Parents pushed and pulled their kids down the track. Illegal objects (Candy, PCs, Cute Bunnies) littered the track. Bigger children used their size and foreign objects to intimidate other children. Things almost got ugly when some cromagnon 14 month thug pushed my daughter down. Honestly I didn't mean to cause such a scene but the security personnel were on top of things quickly. I couldn't take any chances after I got up from the last tazer shots.

Needles to say I learned my lesson from Sogo. This time we entered some kind of activity designed to tell your child's future occupation. I thought it a great idea to get these babies thinking of their future occupation. It's never to early to set goals, even when they can't wipe their own asses or turn on the tube. Basically the floor was covered with toys and objects to symbolize future occupations: stethescope (doctor) guitar (musician) gun (cop) red t-shirt (sell out). Then the kids had to go and grab one thus telling the future.

I had been training my daughter for weeks. I knew she was up to the task. She was quietly confident at the beginning, standing tall while her competitiors lolly gagged around the floor. While she was standing up she manged to check around for the items. She seemed to be locked and loaded onto the cash. I am not sure what he cash represented maybe banking, business or the mob. Anyway a a win/win/win situation. On the count of 1 she was off about her business. She quickly knocked down the slow boy from Nantou picking up his beetle nut. She taunted the boy with the beetle nut and threw it away in disgust, causing the boy too burst into sissy boy tears. Next she sidestepped a skinny girl from Fengyuan and kicked the pack of condoms she was holding into the corner. Finally she laid a Jim Brown straight arm on the chubby little boy from Changhua. The force of her blow dislocated his shoulder and to add insult to injury she stomped on the pink cell phone he had been holding. She was rolling, moving like a young Billy Simms (OU days) when she suddenly stopped. She turned, bent over and picked up a ... calculator. So I guess she will be an accountant after all. Or a star NFL back.


Sean Reilly said...

They have the Baby Ultimate Fighting Taiwan trials in Dou Liu next week or the Baby n' Toddler Ultimate Ultimate Fighting East Asia the week after that in Macao, the new Vegas of the Far East. The former, which is all barefisted, would be a little safer for Rebecca, but the later is being hosted by Stanley Ho.

Nuff said, see you at the Hotel Lisboa. Bring those supercute, tiny brass knuckles she got at her Mi Yue celebration. I found a great shirt for the press conference after.

Angie Sue said...

Sean - I hear yo Momma is visiting you with her Momma - what's your address so I can send you and Alice a wedding the way...nice rant but ya'll know Little E (my Ultimate Fighting SON) would kick ass in the Toddler division of the Taiwan fighting thumb in mouth and the other in your eye...


Maryam in Marrakesh said...

This is the funniest entry I have read all day!