Friday, September 01, 2006

Life and Times of Big Ell

Viva Las Vegas

Big Ell would like to apologize for another light month of blogging. I was in Vegas for five days and a severe case of jet lag screwed with my inner clock. When I wasn't working I was sleeping and the only time I had to write was late at night when I find it much more enjoyable to surf porn. Here are some quick observations about my first trip to the States in over 7 years and my first visit to Las Vegas in about 13 years.
  • The last time I went through LAX was pre-911 and it took a long time. Now it is post-911 and still takes a long time.
  • When I was a young customs agents would make me empty out all of the contents of my pack onto the counter and the floor. Then they laughed while I scrambled to put it all back into my back pack so I could catch a connecting flight. This was because they were protecting Americans from the scourge of drugs.
  • Now that I am older customs agents make me empty out all of my product samples onto the counter and the floor. Then they giggle while I scramble to put everything back so I can catch a connecting flight. This is because they are protecting America's freedom and democracy.
  • The woman in LA who frisked me, patted me down and searched my laptop bag could be in Playboy's Security Women of LAX issue.
  • Unfortunately the woman in Las Vegas who frisked me, patted me down and searched my laptop bag could be in +60's Security Grannies of McCarran issue.
  • There are some very big people in America. I would only be big boned in America compared with being obese in Taiwan.
Big Ell's lunch every single day.
  • It was nice to see that Burger King has ditched the whole health food kick and added a burger called a BK stacker with single, double, triple and quadruple paddies. Stackers also have cheese, bacon and some kind of 1000 island sauce and NO vegetables. Heart stopping goodness in every bite.
  • I was watching CNN and immediately asked, Who is this Anderson Cooper and why does he have his own show?
  • I was watching Fox News and became quickly depressed when I found out Bill O'Reilly was on vacation. Who was checking the liberal media that week? Geraldo Rivera? Britt Hume? Chris Matthews? Christopher Hitchens? Rush Limbaugh? Sean Hannity? Anne Coulter? Fred Barnes? John McLaughlin? Robert Novak? William F. Buckley, Jr.? George Will? William Safire? James Kilpatrick? Thomas Freidman? Bernard Goldberg? Matt Drudge? Joe Klein? Tucker Carlson? Michael Kelly? Charles Krauthammer? William Bennett? John Stossel? William Kristol? Paul Gigot? Oliver North? Kate O'Beirne? Tony Blankley? Tony Snow? Laura Ingraham? Jonah Goldberg? I am not sure if any of them are up to the challenge.
  • The last time I was in Vegas the Luxor was a newer hotel that amazed people with its Egyptian design and theme. Now there are about 2000 new hotels in Vegas and the Luxor is poorly laid out with a badly dated Egyptian theme.
  • Did I mention that I Carrot Top was preforming at the Luxor and at only $50, needless to say I missed it.
  • I was also pissed that my jet lag caused me to miss seeing Cheap Trick and Ted Nugent, seriously.
  • My timing couldn't have been worse. It was disheartening that I just missed seeing Berlin, the Fixx, Hootie and the Blowfish, Air Supply and Heart.
  • It was equally disheartening to return to school in Taiwan and tell my coworkers about my near misses and have them look at me and say "I don't any of those bands." Man do I feel old.
  • The rise of the micro-brew has made drinking beer in the States far more enjoyable. No more Bud or Coors, yippee!
  • On my last Friday night there were 4 exhibition football games on local TV. The NFL is very popular to say the least.
The calm before the Big Ell Storm.
  • Ultimate Fighting is huge. Mandalay Bay hosted a fight on Saturday Night. The Casino was packed with mullets, badly dyed hair, piercings and full body tattoed male and female fans and that was only for the weigh-in on Friday night. There were more rednecks than a Toby Keith concert and I couldn't stop laughing. Then I realized that some of the these guys are trained to squeeze me to death or whatever it is they do to win a fight in UFC.


Karl said...

It's true. In America, you are only 'Medium Ell'.

I don't know about the others, but The Fixx suck in concert. Or at least they sucked in 1986. Maybe they got better.

BigEll said...

I also saw the Fixx in 1986. It was my first concert, I thought they rocked. I also had a mohawk, wore tapered jeans/army fatigues and sleevless union jack t-shirts. Needless to say my judgement should be questioned.

Bread said...

dude, in montana you would be like itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini material. it's quite scary being back in the land of no vegetables...

Abu71 Pancing said...

nice blog..........can joint you.

Karl said...

Oh yeah? I had three mohawks, each a different color, 17 tattoos, red Doc Martins, and I used to drop acid and slamdance with Mick Jones.

Or maybe I was a poser wannabe from the Tampa suburbs. I can't really remember it all so well.

BigEll said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
BigEll said...

Well my memories are crystal clear. I was a wannabe poser from the Calgary suburbs, which makes it all the more painful.

Red A said...

Chris Matthews? Liberal.

Christopher Hitchens? Trotskyite, but supports removing fascist dictatorships?

Thomas Freidman? uhhh, liberal, though thoughtful...I guess.

But it's certainly interesting that you found so many voices for the right on Fox ask yourself, why weren't they on any other channels before?

Red A said...

Doc martens...I had to drive to another city to get mine. Mom thought I was crazy. 10 years later said: gee, I guess you really were ahead of your time.

First concert: Rick tickets.

BigEll said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
BigEll said...

Rick Springfield, sweet.

I'll give you Matthews, even though he said he voted Bush. I'll grudgingly give you Friedman but like many writers he has shifted much further to the right post 911.

I'll keep Hitchens though who I believe notably moved to the right before and after 911. He has supported PNAC policies since then and had a noted feud with Chomsky.

Hannity, Coulter are names today partially because of the popularity of Fox.

More conservative pundits were well known conservatives before Fox.
with their own shows: Geraldo and Limbaugh. National network exposure: Will- ABC, Kilpatrick-CBS Hume-ABC, Novak-CNN, Stoessel-ABC, Barnes-CNN and Mclaughlin -CNN. Conservatives are also well represented in the national print: Buckley JR, Krauthammer and Safire.

My point is that there have always been conservatives in the media. I don't buy the idea of a liberal dominated media in the States.

The Foreigner said...

Quadruple patties with bacon. Mmmmmm.