Friday, September 16, 2005

Wasting Time

A Bunny, Hef and Big Ell Wasting Time

I remember that I first starting perusing Porn when I was Little Ell. I was about 9 or 10 and my dad had left a box of old Playboys in the den but I only found them mildly interesting. Like most people I just read the articles and was done with them. It wasn’t until Junior High school that I really got into Porn; I was even given a subscription to Playboy for a birthday gift, thanks Mom! My love affair with Porn remained unabated all the way through high school, university and Taiwan.

I thought I had seen it all until I came to Taiwan. My first housemates in Taichung had bought a porn filter for our local cable package. The filter was an ingenious device that attached to the coaxial cable. It unscrambled two Porn channels. I only remember the Rainbow Channel. Raibow Channel makes the Playboy Channel look like Good TV. Good or God TV is an evangelical Christian Tv Channel in Taiwan. We had full 24/7 access to all the porn four 20 something males desired. Initially I thought it was Taiwanese Porn but my savvy and more worldly roommates clued me into the fact that most of the porn was in fact from Japan. At that point in my life I had trouble discerning a Japanese Porn star from a Taiwanese Porn star or a Korean Porn Star for that matter. I have evolved to the point where I swear the lumber guy at B&Q is my trailer trash cousin’s doppelganger. I never really go into the Japanese porn with all of the crying and subservience, but it was a much better time killer than most of the other programs on TV.

Porn had never failed me until I decided to have a romantic dinner with my then girlfriend. I had been channel surfing looking for Tzu Chi Channel and by some kind of accident turned the TV off while it was on Rainbow Channel. I went about cooking and cleaning unaware of the impending epic disturbance that was to consume my life. My then girlfriend came home and I prepared a cocktail and some hors d’oeuvres and went back to finish the dinner. Lo and behold she turned on the TV only to see some crazy kidnapping/rape porn. There is no feeling like walking out of the kitchen and seeing your girlfriend watching XXX Japanese Porn. Everything may have been okay if not for the kidnapping/rape things. Talk about a mood killer! Now that I am old and married I stay far away from porn and all of its evil manifestations. I do surf the web a lot and you know there is lots of porn on the net, go figure. So this Wasting Time is dedicated to porn; sweet, sweet porn.

Before I get to the porn links I have to show this clip that has nothing to do with porn. I have never seen Ghetto Fights I but Ghetto Fights II is fucked up. If a big angry guy tells you to back up, back the fuck up and make it quick. Oh yeah and don’t seek revenge by smashing the window on the big angry guy’s car.

Watch this little clip clip. Warning: funny but avoid watching at work or with significant other unless he/she has a sense humor and gets down.

While watching MTV I started to winder if most of the pop singers were actually Porn Stars and not Pop Stars. After watching some Britney and Mariah I quickly realized they are more skank than porn, porn wannabes if you like. Then I found this game from to test my skillz at distinguishing between porn and pop stars. I scored 450 points. If you are wondering how I scored so high, read the next entry.

I was thinkiing about watching some porn the other night and wondered about how I ended up teaching in Taiwan and not writing and directing porn films. My genetic deficiencies prevent me from being a porn star but I am sure I have what it takes to write and/or direct some yellow or blue movies. I have never written a porn film or any film for that matter but judging by the porn I have seen; the competition is quite weak. I have watched 1000s of hours of porn and I feel that all of this time well spent shouldn’t go to waste. So I started looking on the web to find out some tips on how to write some provocative yet tasteless porn. I found this site erotomatic and have included my rough first screenplay. I am open to any suggestions or comments.

In Yuknowho(XXX)

written and directed by Big Ell

Dax Westview.......... as "Olaf" (the rock star)
Gunther Savage........ as "Albert" (the junior agricultural technician)
Kitty Cleavage........ as "Cara" (the air hostess)
Greta Vulva........... as "Brunhilda" (the lollipop lady)

[Opening shot: tight close-up of the supermarket][Soundtrack: luscious moog synthesizer music...][Roll title credits...]

Scene 1
[the supermarket - cut to zoom camera, of Brunhilda, who is wearing kinky gear.
A sunny day.]
[pause]Olaf: Well hello
Brunhilda: Hello
[slow pan of Brunhilda's breasts]
Olaf: By the way, are you 23?
Brunhilda: Dum de dah de dah
Olaf: Right
Brunhilda: Um
[Brunhilda takes off her kinky gear while Olaf is now wearing black stockings and stiletto heels]
Brunhilda: hit me!
Olaf: grrr
Brunhilda: left a bit
Olaf: wow
Brunhilda: slurp
Olaf: yes
Brunhilda: ooooooh
Olaf: oink
Brunhilda: ow!
Olaf: mmm
Brunhilda: right a bit
Olaf: fuck me
Brunhilda: that's the spot
Olaf: wow
Brunhilda: oh
Olaf: yes, yes, yes
Brunhilda: hit me!
Olaf: bite me bite me bite me
Both: Yessssss!!!!

Scene 2
[your local GAA clubhouse - cut to zoom camera, of Cara, who is wearing black stockings and stiletto heels. A knock on the door.]

Cara: Well hello
Albert: Hello
[camera pan of Cara's perfect skin]
Albert: I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
Cara: Wanna play Twister naked?
[close-up of Albert's big wrists]
Albert: Chicks dig me. I wear coloured boxer shorts.
Cara: How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
Albert: Put you lippers on my zipper.... Let's go to the stairwell...
Cara: Was your Dad a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely tuned body?
Albert: Put you lippers on my zipper.
Cara: That's a really nice smile you've got, shame that's not all you are wearing.
[Plenty of XXX action with KY jelly]

Scene 3
[an upmarket hotel in the country - cut to tight close-up of Cara, who is wearing a sexy polka-dot bikini. Someone's at the door.]

Brunhilda: Hi. You must be the air hostess.
Cara: Pardon me, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?
Brunhilda: I'm Brunhilda
Cara: I'm Cara
[SFX: Cue hot Norwegian soundtrack...][Much bonking ensues]
Cara: that's the spot
Brunhilda: I've a dead leg
[slow pan of Cara's blond hair]
Cara: bite me.
Brunhilda: oink oink
Cara: aaaaaahhhhh!
Brunhilda: I've got an itch honey. Lower. Lower. Ahhh.
Cara: yumBrunhilda: ah
[medium shot of Cara's erect nipples]
Cara: bite me.
Brunhilda: bite me bite me bite me
[camera pan of Cara's belly]
Cara: mmmmmm
Brunhilda: yes
Cara: right a bit
Brunhilda: that's it.
Cara: yes, there, right there
Brunhilda: woof
Cara: left a bit
Brunhilda: yes
[crane shot of Cara's large jugs]
Cara: [lick]
Brunhilda: wow.
Cara: that's it
Brunhilda: yes, there, right there.
Cara: yes, yes, yes
Brunhilda: wow
Brunhilda: yum
Cara: wow
Brunhilda: oink
[A bit of rumpy pumpy, with loads and loads of barmbrack]

Scene 4:
[a casino - more XXX action involving Cara, Brunhilda and Olaf with lots of whipped cream and whipped cream]

Now that you’ve finished reading my first porn screenplay you’ll need a box of tissue and the The World's Largest Collection of Male Masturbation Synonyms. When I was single I was known to ‘punish the pope,’ from time to time.

disregard continue here


Megan said...

Cute picture!
I can't believe your mom bought you a subscription to PB?!?!?!? Holy liberated batman!

Anyways, how's your wife doing? I assume with all the masturbation talk, she's still pregnant? When is she due?

(No reflection on our relationship,Des!)

Brian David Phillips said...

My mom bought me a subscription to Playboy when I was a kid as well and I actually read the articles and actually learned a lot of good from the magazine that wasn't related to looking at naked ladies (which was also good). This was a great post . . . I don't for a moment believe you don't watch porn today. You're just too friendly with the topic to be a former pornophile. :-) - Brian