Monday, August 08, 2005

The Great White North

The Gentle Rant and Al Waxman
discussing Hans Island

Taichung blog’s are abuzz with opinion pieces regarding the crisis between Canada and Denmark over little Hans Island. On one side you have Red A from NiHowdy who first wrote about the story and has effectively argued the virtues of the Danish position. Following Red A, Karl from Chewin in the Chung has taken a pro-Danish position with rational discourse that supports their ambitions in the Arctic. On the other side there is Sean from the Gentle Rant, who with the help of Canadian icon Al Waxman has argued the righteousness of the Canadian position. I have finally decided to wade into this blog quagmire and attempt to sort out all of the information and disinformation for all of you, the thousands and thousands of people who read my blog.

I know many of you may claim that I am biased because I am Canadian. Well truth be told, I was born Canadian but my inability to skate very well left me as an outsider. I could punch like Oggie Ogelthorpe but my lack of hockey skills quickly labeled me as a 4th liner or bench warmer for my American readers. I shunned hockey for football which further ostracized me from my peers. In addition, I was raised in Calgary and was a charter member of the Western Canada Concept Party. This group gave me the acceptance I so desired and I won't stop working until Western Canada is freed from chains of Anglo/Franco Canadian oppression. I've worked hard to rid the West of all things from Eastern Canada like Pierre Trudeau, prog-rockers Rush and Moosehead beer. I also spell defense with an s and never ever use the double L when spelling words like traveling. So I think I have proved to all of my readers that I can provide a fair and balanced analysis of the situation. I have used the web page European Defence for most of my figures as the CIA Factbook is unreliable.
Advantage: Even: The Danes have a much bigger army and reserves than the Canadians . Canada draws even with a larger Navy and a much bigger military budget. The air forces are a draw. Which leads to the question, "How the hell do the Canucks only match the Danes when they spend 15 billion more euros on defense?”Advantage: Canada: The Danes have more German Leopard tanks than the Canadians but the Canadians sport a newer model. The Leopard 2 has mine sweeping capabilities and from the pictures on the web site, it works well in snow. Canada has more infantry fighting vehicles and more of pretty much everything else. The wildcard is the 118 stingers that the Danes possess. Any American or Israeli soldier knows the potential damage of these SAMs. The Danes score bonus points for being the 11th on the Coalition of the Willing hit list with 496 troops in Iraq. These troops must be battle tested by now, bringing peace and freedom to Iraq. Canada also has 31 troops in the theatre on some kind of student/soldier exchange with the States. Canada would rank 23rd just edging out Kazakhstan for 24th and last place if they were actually part of the Coalition even though they say they aren't.Advantage: Canada: Denmark has 68 F-16s that have a top speed of 1,300 mph and a combat range of 340 miles. The Fighting Falcon is small and agile and has a built in M61 Vulcan cannon. Canada has 118 CF-188 Hornets which are based on the American F/A-18 Hornet. Hornets have a top speed of Mach 1.8 with a range of 3,700 kilometers. They are equipped with Sidewinder and Sparrow air-to-air missiles, Maverick air-to-ground missiles, conventional bombs and precision-guided bombs, rockets, and an M-61 20 mm cannon. Few peace loving people in Soviet Canuckistan realize that their battle tested pilots flew 56 bombing sorties in the 1st Gulf War and that they also participated twice in NATO operations in Yugoslavia. Canadian pilots flew 678 combat sorties and 558 bombing strikes during 2,577 combat-flying hours during Clinton's War. CF-18s dropped a total of 397 Precision Guided Missiles and 171 free-fall 'iron' bombs on a wide variety of targets. So I would have to say Canada has a big advantage in the air.Advantage: N/A: Canada has more subs and frigates while the Danes have more corvettes and fast patrol vessels. I think that most would agree that corvettes are much cooler than frigates or destroyers. My friend Jason Sandmeir used to drive a corvette and he got all the chicks. This question may be moot as the Globe and Mail reported, "A spokesman for the Danish navy said in Copenhagen yesterday that the ship may not be able to make it through the polar ice at this time of year." The Gentle Rant added:
It's August! If they can't make it there in August when can they? Are they waiting for a warmer month? And we can't really thumb our noses at them because if they can't reach Hans with their four heavy, naval ice-breakers, we certainly can't get there with none.
Advantage: Canada: According to this guy at Sexwork Toronto. Toronto, Canada has a thriving sex industry. But after researching the internet, Denmark kicks Canada’s ass in all the main porn categories, from teens to woman-on-woman. Run a search for Danish porn and you’ll be impressed with its quality and diversity, Canada simply can’t match up and needs a more concerted effort to catch up.

Nobody should discount the role of celebrities during times of war. Where would George Bush's popularity be without the help of key supporters like Toby Keith, Alice Cooper and Don King? Denmark boasts a number of celebrities like Prince Frederik, Helena Christensen, Brigitte Nielsen, Hans Christian Andersen, kicker Morten Andersen, drummer Lars Ulrich and the soothing pop sounds of Michael Learns to Rock. Canada has a plethora of celebrities. Shania Twain, Donald Sutherland, William Shatner, Keanu Reeves, Dan Aykroyd, Jim Carey, Alan Thicke, Pamela Anderson, KD Lang, Neve Campbell, Celine Dion, Neil Young, Joni Mitchell, Bryan Adams, Stompin Tom Conners, Anne Murray and Roch Voisine. I do believe it is Canada, hands down in the celebrity department. Can't you picture these celebrities singing "Hey!You! Get off of my rock!" while holding hands with seals, I know I can.

Canadians think that Canadian beer is the best. I am sure that Danes love their beer too. I think they are both piss. They are both better than the crap they sell in the States. I don’t want to read any comments about some airy fairy regional micro brews that taste simply delightful, rubbish!

The most important question is, Who will the Eskimos side with? This is a tricky question because anyone who has ever dealt with an Inuit knows they are crafty. I do believe they may side with Canada because we did give them Nunavut and Denmark has been illegally occupying Greenland for a long time. Mind you I bet they don’t really care, and will bide there time until the whole Arctic is theirs.

Conclusion: After a careful analysis of all the factors and intangibles, Canada should be able to withstand Danish ambitions and keep/capture Hans Island for the time being. The bigger question is how long before Washington chooses to give self rule to all the peoples of the North from Alaska to Greenland? This may well lead to democratic revolutions from Savoonga, Alaska to Scoresbysund, Greenland. It may be called, Operation End Injustice against the Inuit, and the Inuit will be finally free to forge their own destiny, as one people. To the Danes and Canadians, “Can’t you all just get along?” Before it’s too late!

Disregard continue here


Hans Island said...

Very funny report, and without even contesting the result I would just like to make a few tiny corrections.

The Canadian Leo C2 is actually a Leopard 1A5 tank, and not a Leopard 2 tank, with Canadian config, exactly the same as the Danish Leo 1A5, just that they have a Danish config (called 1A5DK). Lots of difference between those two configs of course, but they are basically the same tank, a Leopard 1A5 tank.
The Danes additionally have currently 51 Leopard 2A5 (original 2A4 mod up to 2A5DK). They are in the process of scrapping a large part of the Leo 1A5 stock – so this might be a good time to strike at them :)
The Danish MLRS, all, are also in the process of getting disbanded.
The Danish Army has 738 M113s of various versions (M113A1DK, M113A2DK and M113 G3 DK). 313 personnel carriers, 375 in different configurations and 50 armed with a 25 mm machine gun. Plus the have 33 either Piranha III or SISU XA-185 personnel carriers.

About the Navy, you forgot that Denmark also have 4 Frigates (we call them inspection ships), the THETIS-class, they are btw with ice-strengthen hulls. It was two of these that visited Hans Island in 2002 and 2003. The 3 “Icebreakers” are you mention is the AGDLEK-class, and they are more like arctic patrol cutters. It is one of these babies that are on the way to the Island right now. They look like danm fishing cutters :) Maybe the Danish Navy has spotted some good fishing grounds? Who knows :)
They also have a brand support ship (big sucker), build 2004. No shit! A full-fletched invasion ship, I kid you not, called ABSALON (this is also the name of the class) and another one in the making.

What is really interesting in the article is the celebrities and stuff comparison. This is much more fun to compare. What about Female beauty, size of hooters, Eskimo skills, nicest paper money, a Royalty standoff, best (or crappies) architecture, dumbest record - there must be some Dane or Canadian that made some super record is something dumb?, dairy products, snowball matches, etc…whatever..

Karl said...

You have both neglected the most powerful musical sensation to ever to make musical music!

The band AQUA is from Denmark! Now just consider for a minute how the hapless Canadian forces will wilt in the face of:
Baby, I am missing you
I want you by my side
And I hope you'll miss me too
Come back and stay
I think about you every day
I really want you too

Advantage: Denmark.
Game: Denamrk
Set: Denmark
Match: Denmark

Wake up now!

Mortimer Rigor said...

Oh ho ho! You are all deluded fools. Am I the only one who sees the truth of the matter. This is all just another clever ruse of the Eskimos to sow discord among their enemies and draw attention away from their true ambition. When will you wake up and smell the blubber? It's always been about the blubber. Not democracy, not oil, not land, nor even cold hard cash. It's blubber plain and simple. Blubber, blubber, blubber. How many more people need to die? How many more children need to ask where's daddy? Big Ell should be counting the number of fortified igloos and harpoon production. Paul Martin is a modern day Neville Chamberlain in his denial of blatant Eskimo aggression. Please before it's too late, stand up to this clear threat to our way of life.

Sean Reilly said...

How could you fail to mention Michael J. Fox and the memory of Conrad Baines?

Karl said...

Holy Crap! I just followed you link to the Western Canada Concept Party. They say:

Founded in 1980, the Western Canada Concept stands for:

* Independence for Western Canada, yada yada yada
* A citizen's constitutionally established right of yada yada recall
* Protection for the sanctity and safety of yada yada yada
* An end to immigration to preserve our environment, culture and stability.
* Equal rights for all, with no special status for any race, or ethnic origin.
* Preservation of our Christian culture and European heritage.

WTF is that last bit? Big Ell, I think you have some explaining to do...

Mortimer Rigor said...

Oh ho ho! You deluded fools. You really think this is about Hans island? Think again. It is yet another clever ruse of the Eskimo cabal to turn its enemies against one another and to turn attention away from their true goals. Wake up and smell the blubber people. It's not about land, gold, oil, nor cold hard cash. It's all about the blubber. First you get the blubber, then you get the power. Big Ell should spend less time on armored vehicle statistics and more time on fortified igloos and new harpoon technology. How many more people need to die? How many more children need to ask where's daddy? Paul Martin's policy of appeasement bears a striking resembalance to Neville Chamberlain, and we all know how that turned out. Stand up for what's right people and shout from the mountain tops "No more blood for blubber!"

BigEll said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
BigEll said...

Leave it to Karl to actually read the links and check the veracity of my statements. Lord knows I don't. I have read the link and didn't realize that the WCC were such extremists. The pointy hoods and burning crosses at the meetings should have tipped me off. I am now glad that our PM bought off a conservative MP to switch sides or Canada would be lead by Steven Harper who was a charter member of the WCC. I wonder if i'll be kicked out now that I have married a non european, non-christian.

Sean Reilly said...

Did you Photoshop my head and my hands, because those really look like my hands!

BigEll said...

Actually no I didn't, those hands are som other guys, I could try to add your hands if you want?

The Spaceman said...

hee hee, ha ha and ho ho.

The international situation is desperate, as usual.