Big Ell's Blog

The Best of 2009

2011-04-27T03:59:00.000-06:00

33 and a 1/3 presents the best of 2009

Honorable Mention

Baroness- The Blue Album
Jay Reatard- Watch Me Fall
Us – Brother Ali
Poetry of the Deed – Frank Turner

The Best of 2009 in no particular order except with #1

Pearl Jam- Backspacer
Pearl Jam is one of the few rock bands to get better with age. I put their last two albums in the same league as Ten not quite as good but close. Eddie Vedder’s voice is the Sinatra of Rock and Roll, getting much better with age.
Please listen to The Fixer, Just Breathe, Supersonic and Speed of Sound

Phoenix- Wolfgang Amadeus
This was the soundtrack for every North American luxury car automaker. And after listening to an interview they could give a fuck. Sell out? That concept is gone in the digital age.
Please listen to 1901, Lisztomania,

… and you will know us by the trail of Dead - The Century of Self
This is their best album since the excellent Source Codes. The Century of Self is aggressive, confident and melds Celtic strings into the indie mix. I also dig the dueling vocals but the real star is Conrad Keely who is about as entertaining a front man as you can get in indie rock.
Please listen to The Giant’s Causeway/The Far Pavilion, Isis Unveiled and Ascending

Lee Fields and the Expressions – My World
My World was easily the biggest surprise of the year. Lee Evans is soulful, silky, sexy and serious. The expressions are tight with their slick original neo-soul sound. This disc has it all even if you aren’t down with the funk. Even if Lee Fields has been around for 20 plus years I still dig it.
Please listen to Do you love me (Like You Say You Do), Money is King, Ladies and Honey Dove

Anti Pop Consortium - Flourescent Black
Stellar. Hip-hop and electronic that Rodney Smith would love. Creative sampling and excellent unconventional lyrics. 21st hip hop, for real.
Please listen to New Jack Exterminator, Lay me Down and Shine
Mastodon- Crack the Skye
The Mastodon show was easily the best show I saw this year. They are super fast, aggressive and the 80s speed metal changeups remind me of the pit. This concept album tames their vocals merging the true dirty south with Tsarist Russia.
Please listen to Oblivion, Divinations and the Last Baron

Slayer- World Painted Blood
I am one of the few writers who actually liked Slayer’s last album but do believe this album is even better. It is in some ways the exceptionally tardy follow up to Season in the Abyss. Dave Lombardo brings the beats to match the ferocious guitars of King and Hanneman with some electronic effects thrown in. Tom Arraya’s vocals are turned up and as gripping as ever as he attacks corrupt government, the petrol wars, societal decay and religion et al. It is really amazing that these guys are still on top after killing it for decades.
Please listen to World Painted Blood, Hate Worldwide, Americon, Playing with Dolls

Them Crooked Vultures- Them Crooked Vultures
Forming a super group is usually bad idea. For every Cream there is Asia or the Damn Yankees or the Westside Connection or Zwan, who are probably weren’t a super group but fucking sucked. Them Crooked Vultures don’t suck. It would be almost impossible when you have; Dave Grohl, greatest living rock drummer. Josh Homme, great guitarist. John Paul Jones, one of the greatest bass players. This album is tight, fun and bouncy and one of the year’s best.
Please listen to Gunman, Dead End Friends, Mind Eraser, Scumbag Blues, Elephants,

Black Crowes- Before the Frost/Until the Freeze
I still can’t believe how good this album is. The Crowes have been pumping out quality material for decades but nothing caught my ear like this. Chris Robinson simply kills it on every song. He’s actually gotten better after being dumped by Kurt Russell’s daughter, unlike A-Rod. Rich Robinson does his best Ron Wood circa the Faces. They even rip off the Disco Stones and I love it!
Please listen to I ain’t hiding, Been a long time (Waiting on Love) Make Glad, Kept my Soul, What is Home and Houston Don’t Dream about me

Future of the Left – Travels with Myself and Another
Out of McLuskey Does Dallas’ coffin comes the Future of the Left and they are angry. Andy Falkous is in fine form with acerbic and antagonistic lyrics with enough of a bop to keep your head bumping. This is angry pop music at its best.
Please listen to Arming Eritrea, Chin Music, Throwing Bricks at Trains, I am Civil Service, Land of My Formers,.

Raekwan- Only Built 4 Cuban Linx Pt 2
Corey Woods aka Raekwan never gets the publicity of his fellow Wu-Tang Clan members, Method Man or ODB but he has carved up a genre bending career. This career bookended with Only Built for Cuban Linx parts 1 and 2. This is the album of the year. Top shelf beats provided by Alchemist, Pete Rock, Dre and clan mate Inspectah Deck. Raekwan’s rhymes are solid and he is joined by Ghostface on some of the best tracks.
Please listen to House of Flying Daggers, Black Mozart, Gihad, New Wu and Penitentiary

33 and 1/3

2009-09-24T22:55:00.010-06:00

The year was 2008. These were the best albums of that year.

15. Fucked Up- The Chemistry of Common Life (Matador)

Its hardcore fun for the whole family from these Tubby Dog eating award winners.
Sounds like Poison Idea and Black Flag
Listen to Son the Father and Crooked Head

14. The Hold Steady- Stay Positive (Vagrant)

This album will grow on you by the Twin Cities hardest hitters since Hrbek and Puckett.
Sounds like Bruce Springsteen, Thin Lizzy and Husker Du
Listen to Constructive Summer

13. Drive By Truckers- Brighter than Creations Dark (New West)

Patterson Hood keeps rolling, a long way from Gangstabilly.
Sounds like Neil Young, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Wilco and the Replacements
Listen to Two Daughters and a Beautiful Wife

12. Tronic- Black Milk (Fat Beats)
Some Back pack from Detroit with some twisted beats.
Sounds like Madlib and Tribe Called Quest
Listen to Long Story Short

11. Eagles of Death Metal- Heart On (Downtown)
Deliver a cool blast of guitars with attitude.
Sounds like Queens of the Stone Age and
Listen to Heart On

10. GZA- Pro Tools (Babygrande)
Almost like Wu-Tang Lite with all of the cameos but they help GZA deliver.
Sounds like Erik B and Rakim and Redman
Listen to Cinema

9. Protest the Hero- Fortress (Vagrant)
Hardcore speed metal merchants from Whitby Ontario, nuff said.
Listen to Blood Meat and Wretch
Sounds like Alexisonfire and At the Drive In

8. Scarface- Emeritus (Rap-A-Lot/Asylum)
Its been a long time since the Geto Boys for the original OG from the Dirty South.
Sounds like Brand Nubian and Paris
Listen to High Powered and Can’t Get Right

7. Girl Talk- Feed the Animals (Illegal Art)
Not since the Avalanches have I heard so many samples and has this much damn fun.
Sounds like Holy Fuck and 2 many DJs
Listen to Shut the Club Down

6. The Bug- London Zoo (Ninja Tune)
London Zoo is a pissed off dance hall/hip hop fusion from Ninja Tune, The Bug is a bad bad man.
Sounds like DJ/rupture
Listen to Angry

5. Gaslight Anthem- The 59 Sound (Side One Dummy)
I am not sure what Springsteen thinks but I like these guys
Sounds like Jawbreaker and Against Me!
Listen to Old White Lincoln.

4. Metallica- Death Magnetic (Warner)
Back from the depths with the comeback of the century, Cliff Burton can stop turning.
Sounds like Danzig an Megadeth
Listen to the Broken, Beat and Scarred

3. Vampire Weekend- Vampire Weekend (XL)
Very catchy Afro-preppie beats from the Big Apple make everyone happy.
Sounds like Paul Simon and Talking Heads
Listen to Mansard Roof

2. TV on the Radio- Dear Science (DGC/Interscope)
So much fun and so diverse these guys are the present and the future
Sounds like Peter Gabriel and Pere Ubu
Listen to Crying

1. Q-Tip- The Renaissance (Motown)
Being forced into the wilderness by the labels is all the more criminal after listening to this masterpiece.
Sounds like Mos Def and De La Soul
Listen to Official, We Fight We Love and Manloveboogie

33 and 1/3

2009-04-04T02:56:00.005-06:00

Here is the final post for the best of 2007. I am hoping to have the best of 2008 up before 2010.

5. Favourite Worst Nightmare by Arctic Monkeys (Domino)
This is and excellent solid sophomore effort by the Arctic Monkeys. I was quite apprehensive about the Monkeys because of how fast they blew up after their first album. I am surprised that Favourite Worst Nightmare is so good. It is solid from the top of the playlist to the bottom. The Arctic Monkeys possess lots of Gatling gun lyrics, incredibly catchy hooks and clever beats. This House is a Circus is one of the best tracks of the year with that incredible bass line. But I especially love this line:
“Who wants to sleep in a city that never wakes up? Blinded by Nostalgia.”
Best Tracks: Teddy Picker, Do Me a Favour, This House is a Circus and Old Yellow Bricks

This House is a Circus

4. Boxer by The National (Beggars Banquet)
I’d never listened to the National before listening to this phenomenal effort. The National is a five piece Indie band out of New York who play soft music that is almost anthemic in its delivery. This album has great song after great song with beautiful melodies and poignant lyrics. This album will make almost every top 10 list this year and for good reason. I really love this line from Mistaken for Strangers "You wouldn't want an angel watching over you?/Surprise surprise, they wouldn't want to watch"
Best Tracks: Fake Empire, Mistaken for Strangers and Start a War

Mistaken for Strangers

3. New Wave by Against Me! (Sire)
Some call it a sell out but I am too old to care. Big Ell loves music that should be best listened to while drinking, fighting or drinking and fighting. New Wave, would have been number one if Stop wasn’t included. That song is god awful on so many levels. But the rest of the album is filled with excellent songs with lyrics like “Protest songs in response to military aggression.” I missed seeing these guys the last time around and won’t miss them again. But people need to stop the comparisons with the Clash before they get hit by lightning.
Best Tracks: New Wave, Up the Cuts, White People for Peace and Piss and Vinegar.

Up the Cuts

2. Beyond by Dinosaur Jr. (Play it Again Sam)
Guitarist J. Mascis and bassist Lou Barlow finally got back together and I couldn’t be happier. The first half of the album is phenomenal equaling any of their previous collaborations like Your Living All Over Me or Bu. I had no idea that they still had it them to put out such a stellar album. The album kicks off with a thunderous distorted roar with Almost Ready which is as good as a anything they have done. The album rolls along until the sublime Back To Your Heart kicks in. It is easy to tell that Barlow wrote this song as it reminds me of a slightly pumped up Sebadoh song. I can’t wait to hear what these guys will put out next. Plus J Mascis now looks like Gadalf.
Best Tracks: Almost Ready, Back to the Heart, Been There All the Time and Pick Me Up

Click here to hear Been There All the Time

1. In Rainbows by Radiohead (Radiohead)
The most accessible Radiohead release since Kid A and the year’s best in the humble opinion of this writer. So many strong tunes interwoven within the tapestries of modern life or something like that. This album has it all; rocking numbers like 15 Step, Bodysnatchers and Jigsaw Falling Into Place. Grovy tunes like Weird Fishes/Arpeggi. Haunting songs with great bass lines like All I Need and Nude. Thom Yorke even plays piano on Videotape. I believe that in ten years when we look at the best albums from the first decade of the 21st Century, In Rainbows will rank high.
Best Tracks: 15 Step, Bodysnatchers, Weird Fishes/Arpeggi, Nude, All I Need and Jigsaw Falling Into Place.

Jigsaw Falling Into Place

33 and a 1/3

2009-03-16T17:21:00.003-06:00

I have been listening to 13 Songs and this is a classic. The video isn't bad just pissed that I never got to see these guys.

Fugazi- Waiting Room

33 and a 1/3

2008-12-18T00:59:00.006-07:00

Only 12 months late but here are numbers 10 to 5 for Big Ell's Top for 2007.

10. Raising Sand by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss (Rounder)
I initially labeled Raising Sand as an unexpected delight but I have had a change of heart. How can I be surprised that this is a great disc when it features one of my favorite singers, Robert Plant. Plant puts in a subdued performance balancing nicely with Alison Krauss? I have read that this duo may be responsible for the Led Zeppelin reunion going on the back burner which is definitely a good thing.
Best Tracks: Fortune Teller, Rich Woman, Stick with me Baby and Sister Rosetta Goes Before Us

I couldn’t find a decent live performance but here is a link to a video for Gone, Gone, Gone by the Everly Brothers that is a horrible video.

9. Let's Stay Friends by Les Savy Fav (French Kiss)
I heard that Les Savy Fav played the Night Gallery in Calgary a few years back. That would have been sweet as I knew one of the owners and may have been able to get on the guest list. I also knew the bartender and he would have given me cheap drinks. I would’ve been very drunk before Les Savy Fav started and might’ve vomited then passed out. Then I wouldn’t have seen this excellent band and that would not have been so sweet.
Best Tracks: the Equestrian, The Year Before 2000, Patty Lee, Brace Yourself

Patty Lee

8. American Gangster by Jay-Z (Roc-A-Fella)
I love Jay Z and this 70s funk inspired treat is sweet. American Gangster flows back and forth and side to side with Mayfield like groves. Like most of Jay Z’s tunes the slow ones are mostly boring except for Fallin with its great chorus. I thought Jay Z was done after Kingdom Come which was largely a piece of shit. This is easily the best Hip Hop album of 2007.
Best Tracks: Roc Boys (And the Winner Is), Fallin, Say Hello, Hello Brooklyn 2.0

Roc Boys (And the Winner Is)

7. Death is this Communion by High on Fire (Relapse)
Death is this Communion is the surprise of the year, by far. I should have known seeing as that they are on Relapse records and Relapse rocks hard. These guys play the heaviest stoner rock this side of Orange Goblin. I can’t get enough of these boys. Angry, tough, fast, grinding goodness. So many great tracks give them all a listen. This is how metal should sound.
Best Tracks: Rumors of War, Waste of Tiamat, Turk and Cyclopian Scape

Turk

6. Untrue by Burial (Hyperdub)
Dubtastic beats keep coming and coming from DJ Wiliam Bevan of the UK. I wasn’t sure what to make of it when I first listened to Burial but it grew on me quickly. I love the dub heavy bass beats and the understated lyrics that are on a few tracks. I can’t believe this is his second album. Pick it up if you are into electronic dub music.
Best Tracks: Ghost Hardware, Near Dark, Etched Headplate, Raver, and Untrue

Archangel

Wasting Time

2008-12-17T21:59:00.009-07:00

The theme for this Wasting Time is art. Big Ell has wasted tons of hours over the years looking at all sorts of art. It all began when my dad would drag me to every art gallery in Calgary and in LA. God, did I ever hate that. Imagine being eight and in LA and being forced to spend hours in MOCA when you could be at Disneyland or Universal Studios. I gradually stopped hating art galleries and now genuinely love visiting them. Here are a couple of cool sites I found showcasing some cool art.

Graffiti is always cool, if I made art it would like this. This is an excellent collection from smashing magazine.

Obey Inspector

Tonogayor a

When I was a kid I loved lego. I didn't have much but my neighbors had tons so I played with theirs. It was tons of fun, I could make space ships and give the older neighbour boy the finger when he pissed me off. Here is a piece from portfolio.com of some super duper Lego Artist.

Here are some interesting environmental/political pieces by American artist/photographer Chris Jordan. Definitely very cool. This piece is called Plastic Bottles which depicts two million plastic beverage bottles, the number used in the US every five minutes. Make sure to clikc on the title to see more images.

Plastic Bottles

33 and a 1/3

2008-11-26T00:21:00.005-07:00

Here are albums 15-11 of Big Ell's Top 20 for 2007. Click here to peruse 16-20.

15. Tones of Towns by Field Music (Memphis Industries)

If you haven't guessed it I am not a big fan of pop music. I usually avoid it but can certainly appreciate good pop music when it hits me int he ears. Field Music make great pop music in the vein of the Beach Boys and not the Backstreet Boys. This album is full of the great harmonies, interesting vocal and some ELO like organ to get the kids dancing. This album should be far more popular than it is, buy it damn it!
Best Tracks: Give it Lose it Take it, Tones of Towns, She Can do What She Wants

She Can Do What She Wants by Field Music

14. From Beale Street to Oblivion by Clutch (DRT)

I've tried listening to Clutch before but had a hard time getting into them. Not sure why but probably because I am dumb. I figured they were just another in a long line of boring grunge/metal/alternative bands kind of like the Foo Fighters. I don’t remember why I picked up this album but it is solid from start to finish. The Deep Purple/Nazareth style riffs that were a pleasant surprise and kick ass. Lead singer Neil Fallon is also a revelation with his growling and screaming. I hear some Kyuss and Soundgarden throughout which is always a good thing.
Best Tracks: You Can’t Stop Progress, Power Player, Electric Worry and Mr. Shiny Cadillackness
Electric Worry by Clutch

13. Sound Of Silver by LCD Soundsystem (DFA)

James Murphy and DFA are super cool and have the samples and album collections to prove it. James Murphy is like that guy you knew in college who talked about art theory, played experimental techno and was skinnier than a whippet while wearing an ironic cowboy shirt. He probably had his own show or worked at the cool indy record store, deridng the losers from Epitaph while worrying that the bands on killrockstars will sell out. Oh how I miss college. This is a great album by the LCD Soundsystem but it pales in comparison with their self titled debut. That always happens on every second album, well that is what Mr. Ironic Cowboy Shirt woudl have you believe.
Best Tracks: Get Innocuous, North American Scum, Watch the Tapes

North American Scum by LCD Soundsystem

12. Because Of The Times by Kings Of Leon (RCA)

Contrary to popular belief the Kings of Leon are not the greatest band in the world. The Followill brothers are maturing but haven't managed to put together a solid album from start to finish. Most of the tracks are merely decent but its true value comes from the handful of excellent singles contained within. One such example is Knocked Up which is an excellent song a great haunting melody and incredible vocals by Caleb Followill. I also really dig On Call and Ragoo with their groovy little licks. The song Fans was the Kings Of Leon’s first big hit and is a great single. I hope the boys from Nashville can keep it up.
Best Tracks: Knocked Up, On Call, Ragoo and Fans

Knocked Up by Kings of Leon

11. Ire Works by The Dillinger Escape Plan (Relapse Records)

There aren’t many bands making music like the Dillinger Escape Plan. They mix metal, hardcore, punk, post punk and jazz breaks with finesse, precision, aggression and creativity. The album starts out with the manic ferocity of their older albums but takes a dramatic shift with Black Bubblegum and its falsetto vocals and arena rock chorus much like Mike Patton and Faith No More. The album really starts rolling half way through with Nong Eye Gong. If you are interested in listening to some creative and original, look no further than the Dillinger Escape Plan.
Best Tracks: Black Bubblegum, Sick on Sunday, Nong Eye Gong, Milk Lizard

Black Bubblegum by Dillinger Escape Plan

33 and a 1/3

2008-11-14T23:51:00.003-07:00

Seeing that it is almost 2009 it is high time to give you Big Ell's Top 20 Albums for 2007.

20. LP by Holy Fuck (XL)
Canada seems to be leading the rest of the Indy world with lots of top quality bands and tunes. I am not sure how to categorize Holy Fuck but they are easily one of the most original Canadian bands going. 21st century electronica from Toronto with some aggressive instrumentation and the drummer from Blue radio for fuck all.
Best Tracks: Milk Shake, Frenchy’s and Chopper

Milkshake- Holy Fuck

19. The Undisputed Truth by Brother Ali (Rhymesayers Entertainment )
Like I told TGR Albino Muslims rock the mic hard. Now I’ve found out that Brother Ali he is blind and looks a bit like this blogger. The politics are harder than Wellstone and who would have thought that beats like this could come from Minneapolis.
Shit the government is an addict, with a billion dollar a week kill brown people habit.
Best Tracks: Lookin’ at Me Sideways, Truth Is Here, Uncle Sam Goddamn

Truth is Here- Brother Ali

18. 100 Days, 100 Nights by Sharon Jones and The Dap-Kings (Daptone)
Listening to Sharon Jones makes me wonder what all the fuss is about Amy Winehouse. Sharon Jones’ late 60s early 70s R&B vocals destroy Amy Winehouse and all the other pretenders out there today. She has the greatest voice in the business and plus you get the incredibly tight Dap-King beats.
Best Tracks: Nobody’s Baby, Tell Me, Be Easy, Keep on Looking and the Collection Song

Keep on Looking- Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings

17. Year Zero by Nine Inch Nails (Universal Japan)
I never had a trench coat, not to say I don’t like them but I never had one. I’ve only really listened to one Trent Reznor disc and never got into the industrial music scene. This album by Trent Rezner is excellent even though a few tracks have been over played on local radio. It is supposed to be a concept album and I still like it, what are the odds?
Best Tracks: The Beginning of the End, Capital G and God Given

Capital G- Nine Inch Nails

16. An Ocean Apart by As I Lay Dying (Metal Blade)
More melodic vocals join the lightning quick twin guitar attack on this stellar release by As I Lay Dying. I dig most Metal Blade artists these days as I can’t seem to get enough Metal. My friend on CBC characterized these boys as Death Metal which shows that civil servant intellectuals shouldn’t talk about metal. These boys are straight from the speed metal or hardcore scene with a splash of classic metal.
Best Tracks: Nothing Left, An Ocean Between Us, Foresaken and Bury Us All

Foresaken by As I Lay Dying

ELECTION DAY

2008-11-04T01:11:00.003-07:00

Here are the Black Sheep with a re-make of one of the best Hip-Hop songs of all-time.
Go Obama!

Wasting Time

2008-10-29T21:37:00.005-06:00

You have your way. I have my way.
As for the right way, the correct way,
and the only way, it does not exist.

Here is the latest edition of Wasting Time. It has been a long time because now that I am Canadian I no longer have time to waste.

This site, the Nietzsche Family Circus kills me.

Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter.

This site is kind of funny. Everybody seems to be having fun laughing at Sarah Palin. I like this one too, Teen Moms for Palin. No one will be laughing when she is President in 2012.

Mission Accomplished

2008-10-25T10:48:00.002-06:00

This is a pretty fun political ad based on those annoying Bud "Wassup," ads from a while back. I stole it from a guy I know on Facebook and want my reader to check it out. Here it is:

Big Ell's Bookshelf

2008-10-13T11:49:00.005-06:00

Prodigies vs Late Bloomers

Like most sections of this blog I haven't updated Big Ell's Bookshelf in a very long time. I have decided to change this section a bit so I can include anything interesting I have read. Here is a link to an essay in the New Yorker by one of my favorite writers, Malcolm Gladwell of the Tipping Point and Blink fame. The piece is about the differences between prodigies and late bloomers based on research conducted by economist David Galenson.

Galenson’s idea that creativity can be divided into these types—conceptual and experimental—has a number of important implications. For example, we sometimes think of late bloomers as late starters. They don’t realize they’re good at something until they’re fifty, so of course they achieve late in life. But that’s not quite right. Cézanne was painting almost as early as Picasso was. We also sometimes think of them as artists who are discovered late; the world is just slow to appreciate their gifts. In both cases, the assumption is that the prodigy and the late bloomer are fundamentally the same, and that late blooming is simply genius under conditions of market failure. What Galenson’s argument suggests is something else—that late bloomers bloom late because they simply aren’t much good until late in their careers.

33 and a 1/3

2008-01-08T10:07:00.000-07:00

2007 was a phenomenal year for music. Last year, in the weak 2007, I found it difficult to find even 20 albums to contemplate for my list. This year I have ten honorable mentions that could have made the top ten in 2006. All of these albums are worth giving a listen to and come back in the next few days for the Top Twenty Countdown. What to expect from the top 20. There was more quality electronic music. There are much more high quality hard rock and heavy metal bands; almost like the late 1980s without the hair. There are tons of great rock and roll music from the indies to the majors. The most disappointing aspect of 2007 was weak ass hip hop. Well here are the bands that couldn’t make the cut, in no particular order. Album. artist and record labels for the neophytes.

Honorable Mention

Neon Bible by The Arcade Fire (Merge)

Good, Bad, Not Evil by Black Lips (Vice)

The Big Doe Rehab by Ghostface Killah (Def Jam)

Cross by Justice (Ed Banger/Vice)

Person Pitch by Panda Bear (Paw Tracks)

Return of the Mac by Prodigy (Koch/The Informers)

Era Vulgaris by Queens of the Stone Age (Interscope)

Ear Drum by Talib Kweli (Blacksmith)

From Here We Go Sublime by The Field (Kompakt)

In Defense of the Genre by Say Anything (RCA)

33 and 1/3

2008-01-08T03:48:00.000-07:00

The Big Ell Movie

I ganked this from Des' blog and thought it was pretty cool.
Open your itunes/media player/winamp. Press play.
Make sure it's set to random play.
Type the title and artist, then move to the next question, and click the next button, and so on....

The soundtrack for the Big Ell movie:

Opening Credits: "Jesus, Etc." by Wilco (sweet, a little slow for me, oh well)
Waking Up: "Before the end of the Race" by Sloan (Not bad, a nice ditty from the Canadian indie rockers)
First Day At School: "When Fusion Ruled the Earth" by Spiderbait
Falling In Love: "A Little More for Little You" by the Hives (funny on so many different levels)
Fight Song: "Quality" by Talib Kweli (its no wonder I got my ass kicked)
Breaking Up: "Get it Together" by Jurassic 5 (not bad but this was a shit album)
Prom: "Selah" by Lauryn Hill
Life's Okay: "1970s" by the Stooges (awesome, fucking awesome, life is great!)
Mental Breakdown: "Jolene" by Dolly Parton (yes, I rock the Dolly from time to time, fuck you)
Driving: "Tainted" by Slum Village (I forgot how cool this track is and it's slow like my driving)
Flashback: "Yesterday" by Ray Charles (Yes it is a Beatles cover)
Getting Back Together: "Let's Impeach the President" by Neil Young
Wedding: "Keep them Coming" by Wayne Wonder (Yes a reggae wedding)
Birth of Child: "Rec-Room Therapy" by Ghostface Killah ("Bitches with baby fat swinging that")
Final Battle: "Baker Street" by Jerry Rafferty (wow, maybe we fight to the death with saxophones or in the courts)
Death Scene: "Kick the PA" by Korn and the Dust Brothers (Not bad, but not great, much like this idea)
Funeral Song: "Kon Karne" by MF Doom (funny, as this song has a nice piano run with what sounds like lazers shooting, classy)
End Credits: "I Don't Know For Sure" by Husker Du (fucking awesome and a great way to end the movie)

Here is some more Husker Du, cause I know you want it:

Big Ell in 2008

2008-01-08T03:18:00.000-07:00

Wow, four months without a post. A new Big Ell record that won't be repeated, yes I said it, it won't be repeated. I have some valid excuses for my four month hiatus from the blog world. My first excuse is:

My new daughter, born September 22nd. I would post a newer picture but Mrs. Big Ell has a strict monopoly on Ulrich 2.0 digital imagery.

My second excuse is:

Ganked from Britannica.com

My soon to be new old home town, Cowtown. After 10 years in Taiwan it is time to leave to bigger and cleaner places. I have been battling bureaucracy, fear, movers, stupidity, in-laws and inertia but now can't wait to leave. I am hoping to post some whimsical articles about time spent in Taiwan before I leave but I have over 10 bottles of hard liquor so it will be hard to avoid maudlin commentary. That is if I post anything at all, who knows at this point, not me.

It has been 15 years since I last rocked in Alberta and I probably won't be doing too much rocking with a wife and two daughters. I also hear there are jobs in Calgary . A job would be nice so i don't need to become a male gigolo to pay the bills. I am quite certain the market for overweight, balding gigolos is quite small but who really knows, eh? Anyway, Big Ell is back!

Wasting Time

2007-08-26T03:53:00.000-06:00

With three posts in a month, Big Ell is on a roll. I will try to keep the momentum going with another installment of Wasting Time. This week I seem to have a music theme developing so I will continue with some excellent music links and videos.

My last post was about the Beijing Olympic theme song. In keeping with group sing a longs for a cause I have included the Hear N Aid All stars. USA for Africa had nothing on these guys. Ronnie James Dio, Rob Halford and Don Dokken (among others) on the mic. Eddie Ojeda (Twisted Sister), Neal Schon (Journey) and Yngwie Malmsteen (among others) on guitars and lead a 3-4 minute long multiple guitar solo. Well here it is:

Back in the early 90s I attended the University of Calgary. I hated the school, thought it was shit and transferred. Traditionally one of the worst schools in Canada I finally have found the straw that broke the university’s reputation. I don’t give a toss about Nash, Game Theory or Minimum Acceptable Offers but Bon Scott kicks Brian Johnson’s ass every day and night from Cairns to Perth.

If you are in a band and play post punk tunes or just dig bands like Fugazi and Jawbreaker this is the amp for you.

The Motor City Madman is at it again. This video from a few days back is freaking hilarious. I can just imagine the reaction by Fox News if Kanye West held an asault rifle and threatened Mitt Romney or Rudy Giuliani in concert. Gotta love Ted Nugent even if he is insane.

This link has nothing to do with Music but I think I saw a few of these people at Rock Festivals around Taiwan this summer. I think Stalking Cat and Rick Genest work at either Hess or Gram English Centers.

Tags: Hear N Aid Bon Scott Brian Johnson Ted Nugent Insane

Strait Dope

2007-08-22T22:17:00.000-06:00

With the new school year upon us some teachers will be trying to think of some new ways to gain the attention of their students. At the bottom of this post is a clip from Youtube of the Bejing Olympics theme song "We are Ready." I know it only has three English words but with the level of English in Taiwan in a free fall it may be all your students can handle.

I hate Mado-pop with every inch of my soul but have found some useful uses for this song outside of the classroom. I use it as a diet aid, I listen after eating and don't need to purge, my body does it all by itself. Projectile vomiting always ensues.

I did notice that two of the singers appear to be Taiwanese sellouts singers but I can't confirm this myself. Johnny Neihu wrote about this song and said that two are Elva Hsiao (蕭亞軒) and Chris Yu (游鴻明) which is probabyl true. The best part about songs like this is the fake emotion. Maybe I am too cynical and the emotion is real. I think it may have to do with singers being afraid of having their organs harvested if they look like they are faking.

Also click through to the Youtube page and read the comments , high comedy on all sides.

China and Taiwan Cross Strait Relations Beijing Olympics We Are Ready

33 and a 1/3

2007-08-22T01:25:00.000-06:00

I have lived in Taiwan for a long time and usually avoided live music like the plague. This was not because I hate live music but because most of the music I heard wasn't that great. Taiwanese-Chinese Pop music , like most popular music, doesn't do that much for me. I also was never very impressed with many of the foreign bands that play at foreign pubs and clubs scattered across Taiwan. These bands actually drove me to start listening to electronic music which I hated before coming to Taiwan. I also live out of the city and rarely make it to the city. As I mentioned before I managed to see a lot of bands this summer and the music scene has improved. Here is a recap of the best bands I saw.

One of the bands that stood out from the rest was Boogie Chillin. I had seen them a few times before but they now have a new lineup. I think the old lineup was better, they had a great singer and also played some funk. I am not a huge fan of the Blues but can appreciate great lead guitar. The new Boogie Chillin has a heavier sound and great guitar. They now remind me a lot of Canadian band Big Sugar without the great suits. They also played a great cover of Grange by ZZ Top at the SOGO Food Fest. They also seemed to have the biggest crowd at Peacefest and the most 'buzz.' Anyway here is a Youtube clip of Boogie Chillin from the now defunct 89K bar in Taichung. This is the old lineup.

One thing I learned this summer is that Folk Music is very popular amongst ex-pat bands in Taiwan. I managed to see and listen to a staggeringly large number of folk bands this summer. One of the highlights was at Peacefest, where a folk singer kept yelling between songs "We need bass player and bongo drums! Come on join the jam! We need bass and bongo drum!" Folk Music usually makes me want to stick ice picks in my ears while pouring peroxide into my eye sockets. So it is hard for me to judge what is good or bad. I just had the overwhelming urge to do this:

I did hear one very good band form Taichung called the Black Lung Inner City Choir. I heard this three piece band three times and they never disappointed. They didn't jam and actually played songs. Their songs had nice melodies, interesting lyrics and they seemed to be having a good time on stage. You knew they had done it before and this wasn't the first time they were on stage. Which must make them the exception and not the norm amongst Taiwan bands. Here is their Myspace site with some songs. I also saw some folk band called "three cat moan," or something like that, who sounded good but I was pretty drunk.

Point 22 is another talented trio from Taichung. I enjoyed them even more each time I saw them. They kind of remind me a little of Ween and Modest Mouse and are tighter than a nun's, well you know the rest. I was sure they had a song with a Deep Purple riff. So I asked the drummer Pete if it was indeed true. He looked at me like I was on crack, nope I was drunk. So I came back and listened to their few tracks on My Space and realize that yes I am an idiot. Although I still think the intro to Bang has some Highway Star style, if only for a few seconds.

I also caught a band that was probably the oldest ex-pat in Taiwan called David Chen and the Muddy Basin Ramblers. They are different from most of the other bands and not because of their age but because they are a jug band. I don't know anything about jug music. The only musician I've seen play a washboard was Skid Roper who played with Mojo Nixon. I implore people to check out this band as they are a ton of fun. They are from from Taipei and played a lively and entertaining set at Peacefest. Here is a clip from Youtube.

One of the highlights of the summer was getting to finally see Rocket Grrl. I have watched a few of their clips on Youtube but never managed to see the power of Rocket Grrl in person. I may have been drunk and sick to death of the onslaught of root/reggae and folk rock but their loud psychedelic jams had me cheering. They are probably the heaviest band in Taiwan apart from another band that sounded a bit like Isis. They also have a stage show, costumes and what appeared to be groupies. They also seemed to piss off all the hippies and ravers which made me very happy. They are worth checking out if they are playing near you.

Tags: Taiwan Taiwan Music Taiwan Indie Music

The Life and Times of Big Ell

2007-08-11T01:26:00.000-06:00

Peacefest 2007 photograph stolen from The Real Taiwan.

Wow, three months without a post. It wasn't because of a lack of activity but a lack of desire. I have been quite busy for the past few months in my new job as a purveyor of smoked salmon. In order for people to enjoy my succulent salmon I worked/attended most of the major music and food festivals in Taiwan. Most were in and around Taichung but I did manage to make it to Taipei and Longtan. One might think that these festivals would be old hat for a guy with almost 10 years on the island but they were mainly new experiences for me. Big Ell rarely gets out of the house on even the nicest weekends. So here is my list of top 5 festivals I worked/attended this summer.

5. Taichung AMCHAM American Day 4th of July Celebration or something like that.
The weakest of the festivals. It was a beautiful day but the crowds failed to materialize. Lots of bands played and people got drunk but it was rather dull on the whole. Plus no fire works, what kind of 4th of July celebration doesn't have fireworks. I had actually attended quite a few of these before and the previous events were much better.

4. Taichung City Government International Arts Festival
This event was actually pretty fun but the weather didn't really cooperate. Even with the bad weather many people turned out to the amphitheater to enjoy international food and music. We were stuck in a side area so missed most of the top artists. The best artists were the Hawaiian drummers and dancers. They also loved the salmon but kept asking me if I was in Taiwan with the 'church.' Shit I came to Taiwan to get away from the church. It takes a conscious effort just to resist the temptation of clotheslining theses inconsiderate con men who perpetually pester pedestrians at busy intersections. Brother Big Ell my ass.

3. Canada D’eh Baishawan Beach Party
Canada Day was the most family friendly of all of the festivals. It was a beautiful day at Baishawan and many revelers turned out. Lots of activities for kids on the grounds and the beach. The food was medicore and provided by the Tavern so that was to be expected. The music was decent with 'celebrity,' ICRT DJs in attendance. The guy with the Jay Z shirt was favorite. To their credit they did play some Canadian bands between band sets. I did catch one Taiwanese band Coach, original Karaoke for the masses. They are terrible and manage to lift whole leads and bridges from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Foo Fighters, Pearl Jam and Rage Against the Machine. I am thinking they may be big soon.

2. Sogo/Compass International Food Fest
This was the second best event I attended. There was a pretty good turnout and a nice mix of Taiwanese and Foreigners. I also managed to see tons of people I though had left, good times. The Sogo/Compass easily had the best lineup of bands at any of the events. No weak bands all day. I was told that it was very loud but I was located behind the stage and didn't notice. The after party was at Grooveyard but I never made it. I went to Party Animal and watched a phenomenal Taiwanese cover band and got very drunk. More on that cover band later.

1. Hoping for Hoping or Peacefest
Peacefest was great fun in Long Tan. We were blessed with great weather and Kunlun Gardens is a really beautiful place. For better or worse I was able to see a ton of bands. Friday night was the best and Saturday afternoon was painful at times. People were super friendly and I was surprised I didn't see any fisticuffs. One thing I need to mention that I was surprised at the number of North Americans who are in Taiwan to protest Bush, Harper, globalization, imperialism etc. Nothing like sticking it to the man by spreading western thought/language/culture in Taiwan. Do they even no there positions as the new missionaries of globalization? They did even manage to raise some money for charity. Another note is that the drumming never seems to stop. It really gets going around 4 or 5 am and I almost went postal but realized it was the Peacefest and that wouldn't be kosher.
* Here is a photo album from Real Taiwan

Tags: Taiwan Music Festivals Food Festivals Taichung Smoked Salmon

Fabulous Formosa

2007-05-06T08:27:00.000-06:00

Today was a glorious day in Taichung. After a few days of almost biblical rain fall I spent the day moving stuff; refrigerators, tables, ovens etc. I hate moving stuff. The primary reason I is that I was forced to move my father's house and or studio pretty much every year from when I was 14 to 22. I also didn't get paid, well not exactly, I did get beer and smokes from time to time.

During my day of moving I managed to stop at one of Taichung's newer all-day breakfast joints, Our House Cafe, and was happily surprised at the quality of the food and the service. It was almost the exact opposite of my experience a few weeks earlier at another Taichung all-day breakfast eatery. I arrived early as a bird and waited for over an hour for my food. I reasoned that the waitress had made a mistake and given my breakfast to another person. I was surprised when she still tried to give it to me after parts had been eaten.

Anyway, today was a much better experience and owner DeShea was friendly and puts out some great grub especially the ground pork patty things, sweet. It is located behind the defunct SOGO 2 a block off Chung Kang Road. If you are heading downtown hang a right at the World Gym and a left after Subway and it is about a block down on the right. If you're coming from the other way do the opposite.

Wasting Time

2007-04-07T00:52:00.000-06:00

Another month has rolled on by so I guess it is time for another post. I have been culling the blogosphere for the best links/articles/videos for you my reader. So without further adieu, here is another dose of Big Ell's Wasting Time.

Once upon a time I was in university. Before I entered university I dreamed of fraternities. I always thought that it would be very cool to rush a fraternity. I could play pranks on other frats, get drunk all the time sleep with hot sorority chicks. Well, university was rather disappointing; I never managed to join a frat or screw any sorority chicks, but boy did I get drunk, a lot. I don't think the two universities I attended had very many frats or they probably wouldn't have had me. The closest I came to being a part of a fraternity was in 91 or 92. Me anda group of friends crashed a Frat party and ended up smashing up the living room and a number of frat guys. I think the rumble was over beer or maybe Metallica. I think those fuckers thought the Black Album was the quintessential Metallica album or maybe we chugged all of their beer and my friend Rick vomited all over the living room, I really can't remember. That was also the night I drove my 72 Impala into the neighbors Chevy S10. My point is ... do I have a fucking point? Actually yes, when I dreamed of frats I dreamed that all the girls would be like this girl. This link was stolen from the Sports Guy.

Not only does Big Ell provide you with inane stories of his youth but he also provides the answers to questions that need answering.

How often is a new porno video made in the States? Every 39 minutes: a new pornographic video is being created in the United States.
How much money per capita do Taiwanese spend on porn? Taiwanese spend $43.41 a year on porn.
What percentage of Promise Keeper men viewed porn in the last week? 53% of Promise Keeper men viewed porn last week.

If you want any more porn statistics (I know you do) please check out the link to Pornography Statistics 2007.

I am in the midst of a long weekend here in Taiwan, so I have been watching a lot of bad TV. One thing that caught my attention was a feature called "Gay Conversion," on CNN. I didn't actually watch it but did some research and found that it is actually called Reparative Therapy and can involve all sorts of stuff but I was more interested in the cases of electro-shock treatment to the genitals. Snoop Dogg was right when he screamed "Deeze Nuts!" I was also surprised to find that Ted Haggerty has already been converted back to heterosexuality. If you don't remember Mr. Haggerty he is the minister who got caught getting a hummer from a male prostitute in a hotel room while high on Crystal Meth. Much to my dismay I couldn't find any mention of the doctors shocking his nuts. Anyway my cousin Stephen sent me this link to a video from Godtube. It shows former Homosexual Robert Breaud singing "Transformed by Jesus Christ." No mention if he had his genitals shocked but be sure to check out the comments for some additional hilarity. And remember "God created Adam and Eve ... not Adam and Steve."

Tags: Big Ell Wasting Time masturbation pornogrraphy
porno statistics gay conversion

The Life and Times of Big Ell

2007-03-11T00:43:00.000-07:00

This picture of Jhu Shan has nothing to do with the post. I just like the picture.

It was a beautiful day today so Mrs. Big Ell, Baby Big Ell and I headed out for breakfast and some culture at the Fine Arts Museum. After finally tiring out Baby Big Ell we were on our way home. Mrs. Big Ell suggested we go look at the future site of Costco Taichung. She said that we would no longer have to run the Sun Yat Sen Freeway gauntlet to pick up five pound blocks of cheese and bags of groceries. I told her that we shouldn't waste our time trying to find something that doesn't and will never exist. I explained that there have been rumors of Costco coming to Taichung for years. Just go over to NiHowdy and ask J-Hole about Costco coming to Taichung. I told her that the Costco Taiwan site has no mention of a Costco coming to Taichung. For further emphasis I said "COSTCO TAICHUNG IS A FUCKING URBAN MYTH!"

Well, Mrs. Big Ell was not impressed. She is not a fan of expletives and didn't buy my excuse tof being tired from staying up very late watching season two of the Wire. She said that is no excuse for using bad language and for me to imply that she doesn't know what is REALLY going on regarding construction in Taichung. She reminded me of some of the times I have been wrong and she has been right.

Big Ell: The Guggenheim is coming to Taichung!
Mrs. Big Ell: Hahahaha, not bloody likely. They will never get the money.

Big Ell: They will never build a new baseball stadium in Taichung!
Mrs. Big Ell: They have already bought the land on Chungte Road and started construction.

Even though I have a terrible track record I still thought Costco Taichung would never materialize. She explained again slowly, so that dumb asses likes me can understand, that they were building Costco Taichung right now. She said that she had in fact sold the steel to Costco to be used in building the building. She explained that the parking basement was already dug out. Sensing her rising rage, I kept quiet and asked for directions to the 'mythical,' Taichung Costco.

We headed south down Wenshin Road and I turned right on Wenshin 5. We drove past Feng Le statue park and further into the Taichung burbs. I was feeling vindicated as we didn't see anything resembling a basement for a grocery store. While resisting the urge to say I TOLD YOU SO we turned around and headed back towards Wenshin. She said she had made a mistake and told me to go straight. We passed Wenshin and lo and behold I saw a massive construction site on the left with a crane with a massive hole in the ground. There weren't any signs indicating Costco Taichung but the security guards confirmed it was the Costco Taichung site. I got out to take a picture but my camera was dead. So if you want to see the future site of Costco Taichung go south on Wenshin Road turn left on Wenshin 5 St. at the NPC gas station. It should be done by August-September and I can't wait to buy 2 litres of Salad dressing and 6 kgs of ground beef.

Tags: Groceries Costco Taichung Stupid Big Ell

Taiwaner of the Week

2007-02-11T08:15:00.000-07:00

The 'dog of Changhua,' also known as 209, is seen on Jan. 31.
PHOTO: YEN HUNG-CHUN TAIPEITIMES

I haven’t named a Taiwaner of the week in a long time. This was an especially good week for news in Taiwan with many challengers including Lee Deng Hui’s independence-gate, Chen Shui-bian’s renaming-gate and J-Hole-Chaon-gate. Well without any further delay here is Big Ell’s latest Taiwaner of the Week, 209 the dog of Changhua.

209 the dog of Changhua is a little black street dog that lives on an island at the 209th kilometer of the Sun Yat-sen Freeway between the Changhua Interchange and Yuanlin Toll Station. The Taiwanese are fond of ambiguous nicknames hence “209,” and the "dog of Changhua." 209 the dog of Changhua has stayed alive because of and in spite of the many motorists who drive past him everyday. Concerned drivers have thrown him perishable food like hot dogs and bread to keep him going. Rumor has it that 209 the dog of Changhua was also thrown non-perishable items like cans of tuna and instant noodles. Obviously the people didn’t realize that he didn’t have a can opener or hot water

When most Taiwaners think of a stray dog they picture a three-legged, almost fully emancipated mutt, fighting for the yoke of a thousand year egg behind the local Family Mart; 209 the dog of Changhua doesn’t fit this profile. 209 the dog of Changhua is smart, so smart that he has managed to evade capture 52 times over the past two years. Either 209 the dog of Changhua is as slippery as a greased pig or the authorities are incompetent. Incompetent may be too strong a word as 209 the dog of Changhua also has some street smarts.

Local police said that "209" mostly waits for food around the 209th kilometer of the freeway between 7am and 9am when drivers go to work and between 4pm and 6pm when they go off work.

209 the dog of Changhua and has become a celebrity of sorts in Taiwan. While 209 the dog of Changhua's celebrity fails to match Jolin or Jay he does matchup favorably with Taiwanese actress’Hsu who died in a car accident a few weeks back. I believes that Taiwan can ill afford to lose another celebrity so soon. I was heartened to read that animal rights do-gooders aimed to rectify the situation and save 209 the dog of Changhua.

Last Monday, members of the Kaohsiung Concern Stray Animal Association (KCSAA) launched a brazen daylight attempt to save Taiwan’s biggest canine celebrity. It took nine volunteers five hours and three attempts to tranquilize the animal. The volunteers risked their lives to get to the traffic island. Not to mention the lives of innocent drivers on the nation’s busiest freeway. If there is a Youtube clip of this incident, I really need it. The Taipei Times editorial took the group to task here.

But while the intentions of the animal welfare group were entirely honorable, their highly irresponsible modus operandi left a lot to be desired and raises a number of important issues.

The bottom line for Big Ell is that 209 the dog of Changhua is safe and soon to be adopted. Also hats off to the KCSAA who raised the bar for the local authorities by actually catching the stray animal and doing it six and half times faster.

Tags:
Taiwan celebrities 209 The dog of Changhua Taiwaner of the Week

Wasting Time

2007-01-13T00:57:00.000-07:00

Here is the year-end edition of Big Ell’s Wasting Time. I know it is late but hey, this is Big Ell’s Blog where you’re lucky to get two posts a month.

Here are the winners of the 2006 Darwin Awards . Some pretty good stuff here but I personally think that High On Life High on Life should’ve been the winner.

Here is a list of the top 10 albums you have never heard from the guys over at YesButNoButYes. The Neil Young album "Hoemgrown," looked to be the best with this great cover.

Here is a clip of the best of George Bush from the Jimmy Kimmel show. I used to know a guy called Dave Kimmel pretty well I bet he’s not in very good shape these days. That boy went hard.

Wired magazine has a list of their winners of foot in mouth for 2006. A few interesting tidbits to be found inside.

This doesn’t really have anything to do with 2006 but it is pretty sweet. The Gentle Rant sent in this Ask a Ninja clip from YouTube. It is pretty sweet with Sean finding the best quoteIf you can remember metal in the 80s, you weren't there.

Tags: Darwin Awards Bushisms Heavy Metal Wasting Time

33 and a 1/3

2007-01-06T23:44:00.000-07:00

Big Ell's Top Ten 2006 II

Here are my top 10 albums of the year. A bleak and dark theme for 2006. Not the much different than 2005 and I am predicting more of the same in 2007. But that's the great thing about music it is always changing and you never know what's coming.

Big Ell's Top 10

10. Converge- No Heroes

Converge is a band that have been around for over 12 years However, No Heroes is the first album I have heard from these guys. I was impressed with their blend of heavy metal and hardcore punk. They almost veer into black metal territory but the speed is a constant. I am not really sure where they fit but it was a nice change to hear such melodic aggression. Now is definetly the time to fill up on the extensive Converge back catalog.

9. Vitalic- OK Cowboy

Vitalic is Pascal Arbez's invented back story of being a Ukrainian trubcka player and occasional gigolo from a family of sea otter fur traders. That just about says it all. Electronic music seems to be getting worse as I get older. Or it is because I am consuming far less drugs. Anyway OK Cowboy bucks the trends in DJ music with some wicked guitar samples over funky hard beats. He seems to have captrued that old Daft Punk like creativity. It even has the best album cover of the year. It sure makes me want to do a mitt full of hard drugs again and again.

8. Pearl Jam- Pearl Jam

Like Sinatra and Sid, Pearl Jam always did it 'My Way.' This is Pearl Jam’s best album in a long time. The first three tracks are killer and represent catchy rock and roll at its finest. This is easily their best album since Ten. They start off fast and angry and then settle down at the half way point. There are also some outstanding stripped down rock tracks for the second half. As always the band plays first rate music. Eddie Veddar's emotional lyrics cap off a great album.

7. The Roots- Game Theory

The Roots are always critical faves and commercial disappointments. Despite moving to Def Jam, Game Theory, is another outstanding album that has failed to deliver commerically. But who really cares anyway that the masses are missing out on. the Roots. The Roots deliver a solid dark album exploring themes of violence, anxiety and despair. Black Thought is at his lyrical best attacking and persuading. Yet they keep it up beat with bouncy with Funkadelic-like beats and energy. Game Theory will take a few listens to grab your attention. Easily one if the best of the year.

6. Gnarls Barkley- St. Elsewhere

Producer Danger Mouse had another big year critically and commerically. Danger Mouse surpassed his successes with the Gorillas with St. Elsehwere. But to be honest Gnarls Barkley would be know where without singer Cee-Lo Brown. Brown took the music world by storm with the best Neo-Soul sound around. St. Elsewhere is one of the most popular albums of the year and easily the catchiest album of the year. It was probably the most remixed album of the year. Crazy was easily the biggest single of the year as well. A huge album that didn’t disappoint.

5. Ghostface Killah- Fishscale

Ghostafce Killah delivered in 2006 with Fishscale. Ghostface Killah is one of the original members of the influential Wu Tang Clan. He apppeared to be losing it with a few sub standard albums. Hip hop is littered with many artists who are one or two hit wonders. It seems that once the downward fall begins it is difficult or impossible to reverse. Well Fishscale reversed this trend in a big way with tons of great tracks. Ghostface loves rapping over fairly obscure 70s soul samples and has some great songs like Shakey Dog and Be Eazy. When Ghostface is on his game very few MCs can compete.

4. Slayer- Christ Illusion

2006 was defintely the year of Slayer with the National Day of Slayer in July and a kick ass comeback album. Slayer hasn’t doesn’t this well since Seasons in The Abyss. The album rarely relents and keeps coming. It is no coincidence that Slayer’s return to the metal elite coincides with the return of drummer Dave Lombardi. They never really replaced him and it is hard to find drummer to match the intensity of Arraya, King and Hanneman. Slayer is one of the few acts that haven't slowed down or sold out. Who else is singing about Terrorism/Islam/Christianity/Iraq. My goal this year is to see them on tour again.

3. The Hold Steady- Girls and Boys in America

Minneapolis rockers, the Hold Steady were a major find for Big Ell in 2006. Again, I blame Taiwan for the fact that it took me three albums to find these guys. They are a kind of mix of the E Street Band, Thin Lizzy, and Husker Du if that is possible. So many top shelf tunes with Massive Nights and Hot Soft Light being Big Ell Faves. They sing mainly about doing drugs and getting drunk, which is fine by me. Better drinking tunes I haven’t heard in awhile. The lyrics remind me a lot of my younger days when I would wake up with my shoelaces on fire on the floor of a bathroom. Then stupidly drive home.

2. Mastodon- Blood Mountain

I blame Taiwan for missing out on Mastodon. I would never have missed Leviathan (their 2004 realease) which is even better than Blood Mountain. Leviathan is a very loud trip. However, Blood Mountain is a slightly different trip with different speeds and tempos but the same intensity. I have been waiting for a band like this for years. Screaming fucking guitars and guttural vocals were the theme in 2006 for Big Ell. I can’t believe how much I liked this album and found myself downloading behind the scenes specials on Youtube. Mastodon is a truly talented group of musicians who rock fucking hard. Hopefully this young band can keep it coming.

1. Clipse- Hell Hath No Fury

This is genius gangsta rap from Virginia produced by the Neptunes. A match mad in hip hop heaven. The cleverest tales of slangin’ crack and pimpin whores since Eazy E. The Thornton brothers and The Neptunes go way back to create remarkable soundscapes over dire lyrics. The Neptunes bare little resemblance to their normal selves. Putting out great beats rather than the rest of the crap they get rich off on top 40 radio. The Clipse has the whole package. But the real strength of this album are the poetic tales that rise and roll throughout. Hell Hath No Fury starts off a bit slowly but really starts moving a 1/3 of the way through. Not one dud song which is unheard of in hop hop these days. Dirty Money, Wamp Wamp, Ain’t Cha, and Trill would all be album defining songs on most discs.

33 and a 1/3

2007-01-05T08:21:00.000-07:00

Big Ell's Best Of 2006

2006 was an excellent year in music. When I was writing my 2005 year in review (never finished) I found it hard to find any decent albums to make the list. This year there were lots of top shelf releases in many different genres. It was a nice mix of old, new and with some comebacks thrown in for good measure. For the next few days (I hope), I am going to look at the top releases for 2006. I will begin with the albums that failed to make my final cut.

Honorable Mention:

Eagles of Death Metal-Death by Sexy

Death by Sexy is not the greatest album but has some decent tracks. I am a sucker for anything by Mark Lanegan and Josh Homme (even if he is playing the drums). This album kept me satiated in 2006 for the new Queens of the Stone Age album that is duews out sometime in 2007.

The Falcon- Unicornography

2006 was another abysmal year in punk music. The Falcon was the only punk album under consideration. I long for the return of some decent punk. Punk was the first music genre that I truly embraced. Even though I was suburban poseur it was nice to hear bands screaming and wailing about something. Now it seems that punk rock has been consumed by corporations. Who pump out endless records of stale music for the shitty mall rat poseur set. Anyway, the Falcon rock and do are a throwback to the old days.

Lupe Fiasco- Food and Liquor

This is Hip Hop for the backpack wearing skateboard set. Lots of folks really dug this album and he does flow like a young Jay Z. To be honest I only really liked this album. It does have soem great lyrics and Kick Push is a pretty catchy track even though it is about a love affair between a skater boy and skater girl.

Killswitch Engage- As Daylight Dies

This probably would have made the top ten but I found it in late December and have not listened to it enough. I like the mix of screaming and singing and the brutal guitar riffs are breathtaking. I was never much into grindcore but it seems to be a happy antidote to the sugar sweet soft music I am forced to endure in Taiwan.

Bob Dylan- Modern Times

Maybe I am getting old but I really dug this album. Normally I would rather have my eyes stabbed than listen to any kind of folk music. This is why I pretty much hated most of Dylan’s stuff. I always appreciated his talent but his nasally voice didn't do much for me. But I really liked this album especially when he's perving on Alicia Keys. Dirty old man.

J Dilla (Jay Dee)- Donuts

Donuts is a rapid fire mix of over 30 tracks with Motown beats. I don't think any of the songs last more than two minutes. This album rocks and reminds a bit of Madvillian. Jay Dee died just after its release which seems to happen a lot when you are a hip hop fan. I don't think he was shot by anybody and he will be missed. RIP Jay Dee.

Ali Farka Toure- Savane

I saw Ali Farka Toure years ago at the Vogue Theatre in Vancouver. It was a truly excellent show and his new albums is solid. from top to bottom. Savane has many highlights and I am not even a huge fan of the blues. Ali Farka Toure also died this year and will be missed. RIP to Mali's finest, a true bluesman.

TI- King

Like almost every hip hop album TI has plenty of misses but this album also has many hits. The beats are pretty regular, dirty south-timbaland style club jams but TI takes it to another level with his mic stylings. He really shines on a lot of tracks even if the lyrics on many others are inane. If i was cool and had a pimped out caddillac this is what I would be listening to.

Isis- In the Absence of Truth

I had never heard of Isis before this year and they were a revelation. Spacey metal riffs with understated grind core vocals. Kind of like progressive rock for the grind core set, if you know what I mean.The more I listen to this album the more impressed I am. This will take some listening to but it grows on you, like pork floss in your congee.

Muse- Black Holes and Revelations

My friend Lee turned me onto these guys a few years back with their solid album Absolution. This is a solid album and almost made the top ten. They are trying to be different and have all sorts of interesting sounds and influences all over the album. My only problem is that I can't shake the Radiohead flashbacks.

Tags: Big Ell's Music Best of 2006

The Great White North

2006-12-20T10:52:00.000-07:00

I always hated the cops when I lived in Calgary. They were aggressive and not afraid to painfully subdue me when I was drunk and disorderly. I always thought they were stupid. Well they still are.

Apparently the Calgary Police Chief, Jack Beaton went to China to recruit some cops but was dismayed when he found out:

"I didn't realize very, very few people speak English over there, especially in policing,"

Wow, unfuckingbelievable, there isn't much English being spoken in Chinese. Who could have guessed that? Maybe he should have used Google to run a search for English Speaking Police China, before heading to China to find this extremely rare species of police officer. He would have found this site third on the list and saved Calgarian tax payers some money. From the Google search results:

The police in China are generally very friendly, though they speak very little English except in Beijing, Shanghai or Shenzhen, where some police can

It gets even better. Former Canadian diplomat and organized crime specialist Brian McAdam questions the desire to recruit police from a country with a documented long history of corruption in policing. McAdam said:

"[it's] pure insanity."

Well I think they should come here first. The Calgary cops should recruit in Taichung. The cops speak a bit of English, are kind of clean and they don't do much in terms of policing. Calgary has speeding cameras, quality strip bars and I am sure they will be hooked on Tim Hortons in no time.

The Life and Times of Big Ell

2006-12-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

I am flabbergasted and speechless that even with my sporadic postings and sophomoric content I have been chosen to win this award. I am so cool.

Big Ell's Soap Box

2006-11-24T10:56:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across Hans Rosling while avoiding doing work a few weeks back. Hans Rosling is a medical statistician from Sweden whose research focuses on links between economic development, agriculture, poverty and health in Africa, Asia and Latin America. Wikipedia has his bio here. He even has an interesting blog.

I find Hans Rosling interesting because a lot of his research seems to debunk many popular ideas about development issues. He basically uses public data to show that many ideas about public health issues are myths. He even set up this site, Gapminder, with his son and wife to help people understand statisitcs and what they can tell us about the world. I am in no position to judge any of his methods or results as any critical thinking or analytical skills I may have had are long gone after a decade on theis island. I do have this video from Google of Hans Rosling from the Ted Conference. I probably would have aced my university stats courses if Hans Rosling was my professor.

Tags: Hans Rosling Gapminder Public Health TED Conference

Wasting Time

2006-11-17T23:15:00.000-07:00

Big Ell spent a late night trying to sort out the layout and other stuff after switching over to the beta blogger thing. Big Ell is not sure if it is any better or worse just a little different. Anyway, here is Wasting Time, Big Ell’s link dump.

I like Sacha Baron Cohen. I first found out about Sacha from the Socialist Redneck who always has his finger on the pulse of American popular culture. He is the kind of guy always had a ton of Borat and Ali G clips on his PC. Anyone who reads the Gentle Rant knows that he loves Noam Chomsky. The Gentle Rant is the kind of guy who downloads Noam spoken word. He is a guy with his finger on the pulse of the progressive agenda. Here is a video from YouTube, Ali G. vs. Noam Chomsky.

Big Ell likes Borat and Conan. Here is a clip of Borat on the Conan O’Brien Show from Your Daily Media.

I found this is video on Fazed. It is unreal and I am guaranteeing a place in hell by showing it. Heavy Metal Thunder!

I was sad to see the end of the Chappelle Show, but this clip Gorilla Mask is sweet. Dave plays a terminally ill kid at Street Ball.

Big Ell hates people who cut in line. Never ever cut in line.

This will make any page look like a word page. I work at home so I don’t really need it other than while surfing porn from time to time.

Stand By Your Man. Mrs. DMX is the best wife. She is so supportive; she stayed with her husband even after another woman raped him. The rapist even managed to get knocked up by DMX.

Gorrila Mask linked to Jonah. He is truly a warrior on the edge of time. This dude rocks hard. He should rock with the guys from the first clip.

Tags: Sacha Cohen Noam Chomsky Mentally Handicapped Rockers Borat DMX Dave Chapelle

The Life and Times of Big Ell

2006-11-12T02:25:00.000-07:00

I was at a birthday party last night and the conversation turned to drift racing. Evidently it is very popular in Taiwan and around Asia. I am not much of a car guy and don't really care about motor sports. I did get a sales brochure from a Taiwanese drift racing company and finally have a reason to post this sweet ad from the back of the brochure. Classy!

Inverted suspension, originally uploaded by taichung_kingpins.

Tags: Drift Racing Auto Parts Inverted Suspensions

The Life and Times of Big Ell

2006-11-05T08:14:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I was in Hong Kong for a trade show. Over the past nine years, I have been to Hong Kong at least a dozen times . However, this was my first visit that was not for a visa, to visit family, to procure porn or pirated software, leading a tour or as a gateway to other places like Macau or Mainland China. I was operating a booth for four days at the Asia-World Expo. Here are some brief observations on Hong Kong and the trade show.

The air quality in Hong Kong gets worse with every visit. Angry letters to the editors fill the editorial page of the South China Morning Post. The HK government claims to be addressing the problem. However, some critics believe the governments isn’t doing enough to deal with homegrown pollution. Other critics claim that the real problem lies north in the Pearl River Delta where they argue that unchecked economic expansion has created the majority of the pollution. All I know is that the air is filthy and I highly doubt Hong Kong chief executive Donald Tsang has the authority or power to do anything about it.

The following picture was taken from Greenpeace. I assume from the picture that Greenpeace is handing out gas masks to the poor citizens of Hong Kong to combat the worsening air pollution. A more cynical person could argue that they are using this picture to increase contributions to aid there already well tooled direct marketing machine. The girl on the right to the back even appears to be smiling.

One thing that never ceases to amaze me is the population crush in the morning and early evening in Hong Kong and Kowloon. It just seems like wave after wave of people moving forward quickly, in an orderly fashion, but moving very quickly.

It is nice to be in a city with fast, convenient and reasonably priced public transportation. I guess that is what Taipei is like, but nothing what Taichung is like.

Even though I have only been to a handful of trade shows, it is especially nice when people take the time to visit a booth and disparage my products. Especially when they don't even sell similar products. It makes all the hard work worth it and puts me in a super duper good mood.

Me: Can I help you with anything?
Buyer: No, not really, I am just looking.
Me: Can I get your business card, maybe ...
Buyer: No, I am not in the bamboo business.
Me: Oh, well, maybe you're interested in expanding your product ...
Buyer: No! I am not interested your products, they don't look very good anyway. Good luck.
Me: Thanks, do you still want a brochure?

Being one of the only white guys manning a booth at a Chinese Trade Show leads to the following: potential buyer walks by, stops, looks at me, looks at the sign, looks at me again, starts shaking his/her head and then walks away. Kind of like walking around small town Taiwan when people wave at me, yelling hello waiguoren (foreigner). Actually that isn't the best analogy.

Being a white exhibitor also turns normally boring businesspersons into hopeless humorists. Some of the highlights: You sure don’t look Chinese/Taiwanese. You are way too big to be Chinese. I didn’t know Chinese/Taiwanese people have blue eyes. You can’t be a Chinese/Taiwanese company, you’re white. I was quicky with my Ed McMahon/William B. Williams guffaws and a good time was had by all.

Another excellent byproduct of exhibiting in Hong Kong is getting to travel with your Chinese/Taiwanese partners. In other words, you get to stay at a shitty hostel run by an ex-Taiwanese and eat Taiwanese food 24/7. Mind you I was able to convince them to sample some excellent dim sum.

I even shared a room with a person from our factory in Fujian province. It was Mr. Wong’s first trip abroad and he was very excited. He loved to cook food in our shared room;a wizard with a hot plate and water boiler. He also really loves singing along to the latest Mando pop on MTV. He also found the Taiwanese variety shows available on Hong Kong cable TV wildly amusing, laughing and snorting at all of their antics. I did get my revenge as a massive head cold increased the decibels of my snoring to rock concert levels.

The booth next to ours was a Chinese company that manufactures and sells all sorts of retro designed fans. The main salesperson was guy named Ken who was incredibly nice. He liked to complain about the prices in Hong Kong and said that all he was eating was instant noodles and drinking the free bottled water from the exhibition. This leads me to assume that he was not given much of a per diem. He did not have much to say about politics or current affairs apart from this gem “Money is my religion." He does love soccer, especially Chelsea goalkeeper Petr Cech. He went on and on about his favorite Czech national. Then I told him about this clip (watch the first 1:35) of Cech getting his head fractured. Once he figured out what fractured means his eyes welled up and he started crying. I was speechless. I mean I bawled like a baby when Thurman Munson died but I was 8 years old at the time.

Caption Contest

2006-10-31T08:34:00.000-07:00

Yes Jacky, of course it's loaded

Handle with care

School children in Tainan yesterday get the chance to handle a real rifle under the supervision of a policeman during a field trip to their local police station.
PHOTO: HUANG WEN-HUANG, TAIPEI TIMES

Regular readers to this blog know that Big Ell loves to start new features with the promise that these new features will lead Big Ell to update his blog more often. Wishful thinking on Big Ell’s part. With that in mind, Big Ell is starting a new feature cleverly called ‘Caption Contest.’ From time to time, Big Ell will post a picture with a caption and ask my multitude of readers to post a caption in the comments section. After some time Big Ell will post an update with the best caption winning the contest; hence the name Caption Contest. The winning commenter will get Big Ell’s eternal gratitude and a beer. Never mind the fact that Big Ell rarely leaves his compound and is scared of Taichung bars without bar in the name. Count yourself lucky (or unlucky) if you manage to run into me at a place selling libations. You will be even luckier if Big Ell has the money to buy you a beer, as it appears that Mrs. Big Ell has halved his already meager weekly allowance. Big Ell would damn her to hell but then his allowance may disappear altogether.

Update: I have been told that there was a problem with posting comments. I hope this fixes it.

Tags: [Big Ell][Caption Contest][Taiwan Police][Safety First]

Fabulous Formosa

2006-09-23T01:55:00.000-06:00

Competitive Baby Games

I went to Taichung Center for another event in the Competitive Baby Games today. I was very interested in witnessing Taiwan's competitive baby phenomenon again. Taiwan's competitive baby industry is world class with games and events for every gender, class and political persuasion. When I first became a father in Taiwan I wondered how I would be able to live vicariously through my daughter. Without many traditional sports I feared that I would have to focus on academics. I was getting ready to force my daughter into 10-12 hour school days. I was also preparing to threaten teachers and bribe officials to make sure she gets the top grades and dominates in the Social Darwin like classrooms in Taiwan. Then this whole Competitive Baby Games thing sort of fell into my lap.

One of the better qualities of my wife is that she is probably even more competitive than myself. She's been known to pistol whip after losing at back gammon. Anyway a few months ago my wife entered our daughter into a crawling contest. Unfortuantely, a lawsuit states that I am not allowed to really say too much about that day. Suffice to say the Sogo 'crawling contest,' wasn't the cleanest event. Pure chaos from the get go. Parents pushed and pulled their kids down the track. Illegal objects (Candy, PCs, Cute Bunnies) littered the track. Bigger children used their size and foreign objects to intimidate other children. Things almost got ugly when some cromagnon 14 month thug pushed my daughter down. Honestly I didn't mean to cause such a scene but the security personnel were on top of things quickly. I couldn't take any chances after I got up from the last tazer shots.

Needles to say I learned my lesson from Sogo. This time we entered some kind of activity designed to tell your child's future occupation. I thought it a great idea to get these babies thinking of their future occupation. It's never to early to set goals, even when they can't wipe their own asses or turn on the tube. Basically the floor was covered with toys and objects to symbolize future occupations: stethescope (doctor) guitar (musician) gun (cop) red t-shirt (sell out). Then the kids had to go and grab one thus telling the future.

I had been training my daughter for weeks. I knew she was up to the task. She was quietly confident at the beginning, standing tall while her competitiors lolly gagged around the floor. While she was standing up she manged to check around for the items. She seemed to be locked and loaded onto the cash. I am not sure what he cash represented maybe banking, business or the mob. Anyway a a win/win/win situation. On the count of 1 she was off about her business. She quickly knocked down the slow boy from Nantou picking up his beetle nut. She taunted the boy with the beetle nut and threw it away in disgust, causing the boy too burst into sissy boy tears. Next she sidestepped a skinny girl from Fengyuan and kicked the pack of condoms she was holding into the corner. Finally she laid a Jim Brown straight arm on the chubby little boy from Changhua. The force of her blow dislocated his shoulder and to add insult to injury she stomped on the pink cell phone he had been holding. She was rolling, moving like a young Billy Simms (OU days) when she suddenly stopped. She turned, bent over and picked up a ... calculator. So I guess she will be an accountant after all. Or a star NFL back.

Life and Times of Big Ell

2006-09-01T20:43:00.000-06:00

Viva Las Vegas

Big Ell would like to apologize for another light month of blogging. I was in Vegas for five days and a severe case of jet lag screwed with my inner clock. When I wasn't working I was sleeping and the only time I had to write was late at night when I find it much more enjoyable to surf porn. Here are some quick observations about my first trip to the States in over 7 years and my first visit to Las Vegas in about 13 years.

The last time I went through LAX was pre-911 and it took a long time. Now it is post-911 and still takes a long time.
When I was a young customs agents would make me empty out all of the contents of my pack onto the counter and the floor. Then they laughed while I scrambled to put it all back into my back pack so I could catch a connecting flight. This was because they were protecting Americans from the scourge of drugs.
Now that I am older customs agents make me empty out all of my product samples onto the counter and the floor. Then they giggle while I scramble to put everything back so I can catch a connecting flight. This is because they are protecting America's freedom and democracy.
The woman in LA who frisked me, patted me down and searched my laptop bag could be in Playboy's Security Women of LAX issue.
Unfortunately the woman in Las Vegas who frisked me, patted me down and searched my laptop bag could be in +60's Security Grannies of McCarran issue.
There are some very big people in America. I would only be big boned in America compared with being obese in Taiwan.

Big Ell's lunch every single day.

It was nice to see that Burger King has ditched the whole health food kick and added a burger called a BK stacker with single, double, triple and quadruple paddies. Stackers also have cheese, bacon and some kind of 1000 island sauce and NO vegetables. Heart stopping goodness in every bite.
I was watching CNN and immediately asked, Who is this Anderson Cooper and why does he have his own show?
I was watching Fox News and became quickly depressed when I found out Bill O'Reilly was on vacation. Who was checking the liberal media that week? Geraldo Rivera? Britt Hume? Chris Matthews? Christopher Hitchens? Rush Limbaugh? Sean Hannity? Anne Coulter? Fred Barnes? John McLaughlin? Robert Novak? William F. Buckley, Jr.? George Will? William Safire? James Kilpatrick? Thomas Freidman? Bernard Goldberg? Matt Drudge? Joe Klein? Tucker Carlson? Michael Kelly? Charles Krauthammer? William Bennett? John Stossel? William Kristol? Paul Gigot? Oliver North? Kate O'Beirne? Tony Blankley? Tony Snow? Laura Ingraham? Jonah Goldberg? I am not sure if any of them are up to the challenge.
The last time I was in Vegas the Luxor was a newer hotel that amazed people with its Egyptian design and theme. Now there are about 2000 new hotels in Vegas and the Luxor is poorly laid out with a badly dated Egyptian theme.
Did I mention that I Carrot Top was preforming at the Luxor and at only $50, needless to say I missed it.
I was also pissed that my jet lag caused me to miss seeing Cheap Trick and Ted Nugent, seriously.
My timing couldn't have been worse. It was disheartening that I just missed seeing Berlin, the Fixx, Hootie and the Blowfish, Air Supply and Heart.
It was equally disheartening to return to school in Taiwan and tell my coworkers about my near misses and have them look at me and say "I don't any of those bands." Man do I feel old.
The rise of the micro-brew has made drinking beer in the States far more enjoyable. No more Bud or Coors, yippee!
On my last Friday night there were 4 exhibition football games on local TV. The NFL is very popular to say the least.

The calm before the Big Ell Storm.

Ultimate Fighting is huge. Mandalay Bay hosted a fight on Saturday Night. The Casino was packed with mullets, badly dyed hair, piercings and full body tattoed male and female fans and that was only for the weigh-in on Friday night. There were more rednecks than a Toby Keith concert and I couldn't stop laughing. Then I realized that some of the these guys are trained to squeeze me to death or whatever it is they do to win a fight in UFC.

Tags: [Las Vegas][Carrot Top][UFC][BK Stackers] [Shitty Bands]

Big Ell's Soap Box

2006-08-10T11:43:00.000-06:00

Fred Phelps and Bono hate taxes.

After a few months off, I am back with another edition of the wildly unpopular Big Ell’s Soapbox. I am going to look at two phenomenon, Fred “I hate Fags,’ Phelps and Bono “I hate taxes’ Vox. I am not saying that Bono's hypocrisy is in any way comparable to Phelps hate I just had two posts I wanted to tell. I do think it is quite funny though.

First, I want to talk about Reverend Fred Phelps. You may remember Fred ‘God Hates Gay People’ Phelps. Who could forget such memorable quotes like:

"You can't preach the Bible without preaching hatred."
"God doesn't hate them because they're fags; they're fags because God hates them."

Fred Phelps has done a lot of hating in his life according to the Wikipedia. He has actively hated Mormons, public kissing, Sears, Carolene Brady, Ronald Reagan, Calvinism, Gays, Matthew Shepard, the Laramie Project, HBO, Reggie White Al Gore, Al Gore’s Dad, Lutherans, Finland, Sweden, Canada, Coretta Scott King and Mr. Rogers. Damn you Fred Phelps for going after Mr. Rogers, is nothing sacred.

Fred Phelps supporters protest at Mr. Rogers funeral

Well Reverend Fred Phelps also hates American Soldiers and claims that American soldiers deserve to die because it is part of God’s vengeance against America for tolerance of homosexuality.

I’m telling you that is the only righteous message for this evil nation that has gone the way of the Brokeback Mountain.

He also isn’t a big fan of funerals for fallen soldiers and has been protesting at them across the USA. The American government has passed the "Respect for America's Fallen Heroes Act" that would bar protests within 300 feet of the entrance of a cemetery and within 150 feet of a road into the cemetery from 60 minutes before to 60 minutes after a funeral. Evidently, this law was created to deal with assholes like Fred Phelps.

Here is a funny site that contains pictures, press releases, videos and anything any Fred Phelps lover/hater could ask for.
Here is a clip from one of my favorites Lewis Black from the Daily Show talking about Conservative Christians and the Reverend Fred Phelps.

Now I am going to look at Bono Vox. He is the front man of U2 and a major activist or what we Albertans call a do-gooder. Bono and U2 have been making music for a long time. I was hoping that his humanitarian work would stop or slow the recordings. Unfortunately they haven’t as witnessed by All that You Can’t Leave Behind and How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb.

Bono has won all sorts of awards in his quest to alleviate third-world countries from debt. He is on the rolodex of many world leaders and was Time person of the year with Bill and Melinda Gates. While it is admirable that Bono wants to help the unfortunate, he also likes to help himself.

Bono and his U2 mates have exploited a 1969 Irish tax loophole intended to help poor artists. The groups estimated worth in 2002 was $700 million US. Now the Irish government has closed the loophole and U2 are on the run to hide avoid taxes in the Netherlands. I have nothing against cheating the taxman but Bono’s hypocrisy is as heavy as Big Ell. Bono does not seem to have a problem railing against the Irish government to increase aid but hates to pay taxes himself. Who knows but maybe the U2 taxes could go towards Aid for the poor? Joan Burton, Irish Labour's finance spokesperson, said it best:

Having listened to Bono on the necessity for the Irish Government to give more money to Ireland Aid, of which I approve, I am surprised that U2 are not prepared to contribute to the Exchequer on a fair basis along with the bulk of Irish taxpayers.

One of U2's many armored cars that can be seen driving around Dublin.

Bono and his mates are also involved in a number of other business ventures. They plan to build the U2 tower in Dublin; the locals are not impressed. He also bought a piece of Forbes Magazine, the bible of capitalism. He also invests in companies that make video games like Mercenaries 2; a war game that simulates the invasion of Venezuela in the year 2007.

I guess George Monbiot was correct:

At what point do Bono and Geldof call time on the leaders of the G8? At what point does Bono stop pretending that George Bush is "passionate and sincere" about world poverty, and does Geldof stop claiming that he "has actually done more than any American president for Africa"? At what point does Bono revise his estimate of Tony Blair and Gordon Brown as "the John and Paul of the global-development stage" or as leaders in the tradition of Keir Hardie and Clement Attlee? How much damage do Bush and Blair have to do before the rock stars will acknowledge it?

Geldof and Bono's campaign for philanthropy portrays the enemies of the poor as their saviors. The good these two remarkable men have done is in danger of being outweighed by the harm.

Tags:[Fred Phelps] [Hate] [Bono] [U2][tax evasion]

Fabulous Formosa

2006-08-03T11:57:00.000-06:00

You are not Alone

Normally I just post links to great videos but this is pure video gold. Apparently this is some kind of video put out by some branch of the Taiwan government to promote Taiwan. I think it was made to promote Youth Tourism but don't really care. There are two really good things to look for; tomatoes on stick and the creepy puppet. Oh to be the tomato on the stick

Tags: [Taiwan Tourism] [Foreigners in Taiwan] [Tomatoes on Sticks] [Creepy Puppets]

Wasting Time

2006-07-29T07:31:00.000-06:00

Here is the latest installment of the Big Ell favorite Wasting Time.

The people at Cracked have compiled a great list of the Ten Best Places To Hang Out Once You’ve Lost Your Job. I especially liked #10 the library:

You can often find a wide assortment of “free men” just like yourself bathing in the bathroom to get “that stink” out their clothes. The library is sweet if you don’t mind the lack of prostitutes or gangster rap music.

I also liked #2- Red Light Districts:

Hookers make good punching practice. Just make sure you get sucky sucky before you start getting all Ivan Drago on them.

I am hoping that the next list will be the Ten Best Jobs to Get Once You’ve Lost Your Dead End No Skills Job. Teaching ESL in Taiwan would have to be #1.

There has been a wide variety of movie mash-ups making there way around the Net. This one is funny; Scarface got his groove back.

Have you ever wondered about the history of head banging? Then check out this wikipedia entry. I really like the explanations of the different head banging styles and their leading practitioners. Back in the day I did the low profile and would kick into the half-circle when songs like Angel of Death started.

Here is a link to Stuff magazine's, Ten most ridiculous heavy metal album covers. While I agree that these ten are ridiculous I believe that they missed some classics. This has the makings of a stand alone post but in the mean time here are two classice that were left out:

Animal (F**K Like A Beast) by W.A.S.P.

Beastiality by The Handsome Beasts

Tags: [Wasting Time][Head Banging][Album Covers][Big Ell]

The Life and Times of Big Ell

2006-07-29T04:18:00.000-06:00

This is for all four of you Big Ell Blog readers; this blog is even more famous than before. Big Ell’s Blog is the Blog of the week over at English Bloggers in Taiwan. English Bloggers in Taiwan is run by blogger Andres; it features a blog of the week, and links to a lot of other Taiwan blogs. I am just happy because I beat out my main competitors Chewing in the Chung and Ni Howdy. I rock!

Tags: [Big Ell's Blog] [Taiwan Blogs][English Bloggers in Taiwan]

Fabulous Formosa

2006-07-19T02:24:00.000-06:00

A month ago my cousin visited Taiwan for the first time. Not wanting him to leave Taiwan with only memories of my living room and PJ’s, we headed to Taipei. A long time ago, I knew some people in Taipei but most have left for greener pastures. Not knowing what to do at night in the big city I picked up a copy of the China Post and saw a preview for a show at the nightclub Sappho with the live hip-hop band, Fluent, playing.

After some beer, Japanese barbeque and World Cup Football we headed to Anhe Road and down into the basement of Sappho. On the way to the show I was a bit apprehensive. Most of the live music I have seen in Taiwan has been wildly underwhelming and Taiwan hip-hop (MC Hotdog aside) is excruciatingly painful. Fluent, primarily from Canada, are a 5-piece band with guitar, bass, keyboard, drums and vocals that play live-hop. Live hip-hop is hip-hop with the DJ replaced by a band. I have been into live hip-hop since Stetsasonic in the 80s and list the Roots as one of my all-time favorite bands.

Fluent did not disappoint, to be honest the show was a bit overwhelming. I wasn’t expecting the carefully mixed jazz, funk and hip hop with a dollop of rock. I wasn’t expecting a mixed crowd bumping and grooving to the music. I wasn’t expecting a drummer like Tyler or a bassist like Mike who complimented each other and kept the beats lively all night long. I also wasn’t expecting tight guitarist Greg and keyboardist Lio to keep things rolling with an interesting interplay and some excellent solos. And finally I wasn’t expecting the interesting and tight delivery of MC Chazz. The only negative from the evening was that some of the vocalist Chazz’ lyrics were overshadowed by the instruments. It was difficult to hear him clearly on a few tracks; this was the result of the poor acoustics in the room or a weak sound system.

Fluent played three sets and my highlights were the songs; Let ‘em Know, Act Fast, Pay Me, For the Streets and Ghetto Green. They also played a few excellent instrumentals that really showed off the skills of the band. If I had to compare Fluent to any other band, it would be the Roots, which is high praise in my estimation. Unfortunately, this was their last show. Some of the band members are leaving Taiwan but the band claims that they will try to stay together. I can only hope they do as it took me over 8 years to find some great hip-hop in Taiwan.

Check out their web page at www.areyoufluent.com for bios, lyrics and hopefully some MP3s in the future.

Tags: [Taiwan hip-hop] [Live hip-hop] [Fluent] [Canadian hip-hop][Sappho]

Republic of Corruption

2006-07-17T10:05:00.000-06:00

This cartoon was stolen from CartoonStock.com

A few weeks back I read in the Taipei Times that Taiwan’s volunteer rate has been climbing for the past few years. Last year 64, 000 people volunteered for an average of 3.2 hours per week. I was a bit surprised because I have never met a Taiwanese person who volunteers and haven’t found Taiwanese people to be very altruistic or giving especially to strangers. To be fair this may be a taboo subject or something that would never come up in ordinary conversation. The Times said:

Since the Volunteer Service Law (志願服務法) was promulgated in January 2001, the governments of all special municipalities, cities and counties around the country have been required to form social welfare volunteer service corps.

At the end of last year, ministry officials said, there were 1,169 volunteer service corps, up 17.1 percent from a year before.

This section piqued my curiosity, as it seems to indicate that the rise in volunteerism is more the result of the Volunteer Service Law and not in any change in attitudes. I also thought that 64, 000 people sure is a lot of people to be volunteering. Then I broke out the calculator and quickly realized that my earlier skepticism was accurate. According to the CIA Fact Book, Taiwan has over 16 million people between the ages of 15-64. Unless my math is wrong that would show a volunteer rate of 0.4%. Now that is a number that will make every Taiwanese person proud.

To put Taiwan's numbers it in perspective my hometown of Calgary has a 37% volunteer rate with people giving about 10 per hours per month. This works out to 350 000 volunteers in a city of 950 000 people. It is also important to note that Calgary is lower than the Canadian average. I am not sure why only 64 000 people volunteer in Taiwan but believe it is probably because there isn’t much of a civic culture in Taiwan and people only really care about money. I am sure some Taiwanese people will pull the culture card. the Taiwanese culture card is usually played as an explanation given by locals when asked the reasons behind inexplicable facts about their country.

I have illegally volunteered a number of times since living in Taiwan; 921 relief and Children’s Day events. Now that I have a wife and kid I am really not that willing to illegally volunteer. I would love to volunteer more but believe that I need some kind of work visa to do so legally. If this is truly the case, I will probably respect the local culture and do like the locals and not volunteer.

Tags: [Taiwan], [Volunteer] and [Volunteer Service Law]

The Life and Times Of Big Ell

2006-07-10T22:55:00.000-06:00

I am now back in Taiwan after a wonderful 10 day break in Thailand. I took the family to Koh Samui and Bangkok and we lucked out with some great weather in both locations. It was my first visit to Koh Samui in over 8 years and it has changed quite a bit. Two McDonalds, a Burger King, Starbucks and plenty of 7-11s dot the landscape. This would drive many people crazy but I don't really care. I just don't understand why you would eat a Big Mac when you can get a much better hamburger on the beach for much cheaper.

The crowd is also different today with more families than I can remember. Mind you I probably wouldn't have paid much attention to families back in my booze-drug addled youth. There is also a large number of dance bars catering to Euro/American/Australian youngsters. Back in the day most of the dance bars were bars with pros dancing on the bars and giving lap dances. Bangkok was much the same except that Patpong and most of the bars close early. There is nothing like stumbling out of a Bangkok Bar at 7 am when the steamy heat smashes you in the body as you dive into a tuk tuk hoping it will take you home. Anyway here are some random observations about my trip:

Travelling with a baby kicks ass. On and off the plane first. Security checks become a non issue. Alarms were blaring and sensors buzzing and yet I was waved through every time. Now I understand the genius of Henry Hill.
The Thai people provide a level of service that is uncommon in Asia. They smile and bend over backwards to make you feel welcome even when they are being treated like dirt. A welcome change from Taiwan where service generally stinks.
Koh Samui has some excellent restaurants with cheap prices considering the quality of the food and the excellent service.
Foreign females who visit Koh Samui tend to have very large breasts. It's a fact.
Teaching English in Taiwan has allowed me to become fluent in the broken English dialect required to navigate in most Asian countries.
All of the Australians that used to go to Bali now go to Samui and are quite friendly.
You know you've been in Taiwan too long when the Immigration agent asks if you can speak Taiwanese.

I have a fairly easy summer schedule so I hope to increase my number of posts. I have been doing this for two years now and hopefully I can think of a few more things to write.

Tags: [Thailand] [Taiwan] [Koh Samui]

Fabulous Formosa

2006-06-27T23:37:00.000-06:00

This is my first post in a long time. I have been busy with major house renovations and then a visit by my cousin Stephen and then my mother. I am heading to Thailand for ten days on Friday so I will be keeping with the Big Ell tradition of light blogging.

I just wanted to post about my newest link on the sidebar Made in Taiwan. Made in Taiwan is a feature length film directed by Canadian ex-pat Paul Becker. The film chronicles the lives of seven people living in Taichung over the period of a few months. Check out the trailer and the other features on the site as they are well done. I am excited to see the end result when Made in Taiwan is released. Some of Paul Becker's other stuff can be viewed on his web page for LM Productions.

Tags: [Made in Taiwan the Movie] [Taichung] [Paul Becker]

Wasting Time

2006-05-21T10:28:00.000-06:00

If you read my post Sick of Blogging you’ll be happy or disappointed to know that I have regained my motivation to write. This video from a street interview gone wild is one of the funniest things that I have come across on the internet and it has renewed my will to blog. It is a video of a street interview in downtown Toronto where a woman is asked her opinion on bilingualism in Canada. Click on it and wait for it to load you won’t be disappointed. This is not safe for work or anywhere else for that matter.

This guy has got the Spirit of Life. "The Devil is a muthafucking liar, biotch."

I am just spreading the word. Take off 6.6.06 and listen to Slayer. You know I will.

The Great White North

2006-05-18T07:26:00.000-06:00

The Gooey Goodness of Canadian Empire

taken from Google Images

A few years ago, the blog world was in a tizzy after Burger King opened a restaurant at the Baghdad International Airport formerly known as Saddam International. The left viewed it as another sign of the creeping American empire while the right viewed it as an opportunity to ween American soldiers off the ruz mufalal and baklawa they were becoming addicted to eating.

Apparently U.S. soldiers serving in Kandahar, Afghanistan also have their own Burger King in addition to a Subway and Pizza Hut. Canada (never to be outdone by their Southern rivals) has decided to follow suit. 100 apply for Kandahar Tim's jobs. Yes, the gooey goodness of Canadian Empire has inched ahead. While still far behind their American rivals, Canada will be exporting 100% pure Tim Hortons donut goodness to Afghanistan.

Photograph by: Stephen MacGillivray, Canadian Press

This is just what our men and women abroad need to defeat the Taliban/militants/deadenders; more coffee and donuts. It will keep soldiers awake and help protect against suicide bombers and roadside bombs.

Tim Hortons spokesman Greg Skinner said the Canadian Forces Personnel Support Agency will run the coffee shop in Kandahar as it does on Canadian military bases across the country.

Yes, except for the fact that it will be in Kandahar which doesn't sound like as much fun as Kitchener. I would love to be able to see this ad.

"Live the Adventure in Afghanistan," the ad trumpeted, touting a job that's "out of the ordinary" and a "change from the everyday routine."

The pay is good, especially by Afghani standards. Unless of course you’re a drug lord or a civilian contractor then you’re rolling in it.

Those chosen will sign up for a six-month stint in the war zone. Smiley said salaries for jobs at the Kandahar Tim's are in the $31,000 to $34,000 annual range, with a monthly living allowance of $1,800.

Maybe some long term Canadian ex-pats in Taiwan who are heading home can use this as a stepping stone to life back in Canada. Just a thought.

And thanks to PM Steven Harper, Canadian service people will be enjoying Timbits in Kandahar for at least two more years while Canada's first female casualty is brought back home.

The Life and Times Of Big Ell

2006-05-09T23:40:00.000-06:00

Sick of Blogging

Another month gone and another month without a post, normally I would apologize to my 3-4 readers but this happens so frequently that I don’t really care anymore. With my two year blog-anniversary coming quickly, I continue to struggle to come up with things to write or comment about. It appears that I am not alone as some other Taiwan blogs (much better then mine) have also closed up shop. MeiZhongTai, Suitcasing and the Leaky Pen were all excellent blogs and have all shut down for a variety of reasons. I am close to making the same decision but will stick it out for the next couple of months and see if I can get my motivation back. Maybe I will just start posting pictures or links, who knows. Blogging used to be fun but it’s turned into a job, an unpaid job.

7 Days Later

2006-04-09T03:05:00.000-06:00

4/5/06

Update: Hsu Chih-ching (許芷青) the Jhongli (中壢) entertainer who gave her father part of her liver has been honored by the Jhongli city government. She was given the 'model resident award,' by Jhongli Mayor Yeh Pu-liang (葉步樑). Yeh mentioned that she had lost her fiancé because of the liver operation and said:

I ask all the good guys out there not to give up on such a wonderful girl, who is willing to give her own liver to save her father.

Well this little remark created a romantic firestorm as 1000s of men responded to the Mayor’s appeal. This caused problems at the Jhongli City Office as the phones lines were tied up with lonely bachelors calling looking for love. Hsu’s e-mail account was also inundated with inquiries into her availability. Despite her new found popularity Hsu doesn’t seem very happy. She has refused interview requests wishing to be left alone. Evidently she has a new boyfriend and he isn’t too happy that 1000s of men want to hook up with his gal. When asked about her new relationship Hsu said:

We will think about it [marriage] after my father checks out of the hospital," adding that all she wanted was to be left in peace.

4/7/06

The MOFA warns Taiwanese ex-pats and tourists to stay away from skinheads in Russia Russia. Big Ell thinks that the MOFA should warn Taiwanese ex-pats and tourists to stay away from skinheads in all countries. They also need to warn Taiwanese ex-pats and tourists to understand the different shades of bald: skinhead, bald or just plain cool.

[Skinhead picture from lexikon.idgr.de]
[Matt Hasselbeck from www.baldrus.com]
[Telly Savalas from handson.provocateuse.com]

Most of my students love getting some kind of certificate of achievement. I am not sure what it says on these certificates but I doubt they say:

Congratulate you being a model student. Studying is the way to success. effort is the base of harvest. You can get this honor because of diligence, enthusiasm and politeness. We are pround of you and hope you will keep working hard to devote to the society in the future.

This little piece fo Chinglish was written on the "Best Performance Award" presented by the Keelung City Government to a number of the city's elementary school students. to celebrate Children’s Day. The story gets even better folks. The Chinese-language daily paper that first reported the story published a "corrected" version of the certificates:

Congratulates you on being a model student. Studying is the way to success. Effort is the base of harvest. You earn your honor because of diligence, enthusiasm and politeness. We are proud of you and hope you will keep working hard to devote to the society in the future.

They should have had my former co-worker the German/Dutch native English speaker proof read it.

4/8/06
This story isn’t as good as the dog eat dog story I posted a few weeks back but it still needs to be said. The Taipei Zoo has been mistreating a male chimpanzee by jailing him for nine years. DPP Councilors Lee Chien-chang and Hsu Chia-ching said:

there are now five male chimpanzees in small cages, and they cannot play and act freely like female chimpanzees. One of them, nicknamed "Little Chiang," has been caged for nine years, the longest period among the five.

When the Councilors visited "Little Chiang," they found the 24-year-old male chimpanzee helplessly repeating the practice of eating and vomiting tree leaves in the cage. The report says:

Little Chiang was sent to the Taipei Zoo in 1986, when both male and female chimpanzees were put in the same dormitory. The Little Chiang, misbehaved, making the female chimpanzees join forces to attack him.

Lin Hua-ching from the Taipei Zoo denied any mistreatment of Little Chiang and the four other male chimpanzees. She did say that the space was too small but everything is okay because they can all enjoy sunshine. Lin said the problem should be alleviated by the end of next year when a larger area will be ready for housing the chimpanzees I just hope for the love of god that Little Chiang can make it that long.

4/9/06
Taiwanese University students can breathe a sigh of relief as school work just got a whole lot easier. There is a website called monsterpapers.com with ready-made research papers and reports in all subjects. Not to be outdone Chen Chun-hung has set up a Taiwanese version of the site. The best part is that the site is name passla.com/. The naming of the site Pass La is funny on so many different levels and I nearly shit myself when I heard the name. Details about the site:

The PassLa.com offers thousands of research papers uploaded by registered members for the only NT$15.

Members can search for information according to content, school, major, and even by names of professors. They can also upload their own papers to sell on the Web site.

Some may accuse of Chen Chun-hung of encouring plagirism and deciet but he believes he is actually planning on helping students reach their full potential. Chen said:

as information technology is developing rapidly, university students nowadays rarely need to spend all day in the library and "burn the midnight oil" for their research assignments, because resources can often be located on the Internet in a flash, if one knows the right keywords.

Wow, I wish their was somebody like Chen when I went to university. University life would have been a breeze without troublesome papers to write.

Taiwaner of the Week

2006-04-08T11:59:00.000-06:00

This week I have name two winners of my Taiwaner of the Week award. I know the story took place last weekend and was posted on The View from Taiwan but bare with me it is almost impossible to scoop Mr. Turton.

Kuang Li-chen and Wu Chun-li
[Photo by Hang Tsun-Wei, from the Taipei Times ]

So you get in some trouble with the law for some corrupt activites like vote buying and profiteering. How do you fight the law? How do you get back at the man when you were the man? Well the answer is simple; divorce your wife and have your now ex-wife run in your place. You see this story started way back in December 2005.

Wu Chun-li (吳俊立) won an election last December 3 to gain the county commissioner post. He was suspended on December 20 after being sworn-in because of profiteering charges stemming from his days as Taitung County councilor. He then divorced his wife Kuang Li-chen (鄺麗貞) and named her deputy magistrate. This slick move allowed Wu to circumvent laws that prohibit naming close relatives as deputies.

Facing profiteering and vote-buying charges Wu formally resigned on January 23. He is appealing the case. This led to a Taitung County Commissioner by-election. This also led to Ms. Kuang's decision to run for the Taitung County Commissioner position. On April 1st, Kuang Li-chen is elected in a landslide to become the first female magistrate in Taitung's history. The quote of the week goes to Ms. Kuang when she yelled "We won it back!" upon hearing the election results.

Some argue that she is ill-suited for the position based on the fact that she has little or no experience. KMT Chairman Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九) came to rescue promising to establish an advisory group led by former deputy Taipei mayor Ou Chin-der (歐晉德) to assist Ms. Kuang. She said her goals are to improve Taitung's tourism and cultural activities. She is well suited for this being a former flight attendant. Reporters asked Mr. Wu if he would hold the real power and he responded that it didn’t matter because “everyone in Taitung would try to make the county a better place.”

I thought that maybe she had grown tired of her husband’s corruption and vote-buying but the picture tells the whole story. Nothing could keep the lovebirds apart. They were actually re-married the very next day. So I guess Ma's advisory group is now unecessary now that the two have reconciled. Ms. Kuand defended the re-marriage: .

.. transform the small love (between two people) into the greater love (for the public)" and was an expedient for the county's sake.

Some have criticized the apparently lily white KMT Chairman Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九) for going to the county to publicly campaign for Ms. Kuang. He said she needed to be incorruptible or be subject to party discipline. Ma said:

The Kuomintang is very serious about anti-corruption and will not allow any violation of the law and party discipline. Since we decided to offer our endorsement, we need to guarantee she will not behave in such a way.

He failed to mention that even if she is incorruptible (highly unlikely), she will still be able to keep her position even if the KMT brass decides kicks her out at some point. Meanwhile, Kuang urged the public to respect the Taitung voters' decision, saying:

the losers should not badmouth (the winners) to disguise their failure.

Don’t even think about criticizing asuccessful attempt to manipulate the Taitung County magistrate by-election or nothing will happen.

Wasting Time

2006-04-07T07:50:00.000-06:00

George Psalmanazar

In the wake of Chinese Alligator Lizard Gate I have decided to go back to what I know best. So here is another edition of a Big Ell favorite Wasting Time.

My school is a bit different than most schools in Taiwan. They will pretty much hire anyone. It doesn't really matter if you are an ABC, a fake abc, black, brown or white, if you show up for work on time you have a job. In the past year we hired a German Dutch native English speaker and he finally left our school last week. So to honor this impostor I have included a link to the top ten impostors of all time. Be sure to check out George Psalmanazar, the first Formosan to visit Europe.

As an English teacher I find this video of Sexy Teaching to be an invaluable teaching tool; even with the poor pronunciation and missing articles. Maybe I have been living in Taiwan too long but when did ‘cockpit,’ become part of the Sexy English lexicon.

Words to live by porn star Kammi Andrew ;

"By the time the third drug dealer has shown up and left your set you know the shoot is not going to go well."

"She'll be really hot once she hits bottom and cleans up"

Here is a list of the top ten ways to destroy the earth. I always though that the Earth being pulverized by impact with blunt instrument would rank higher than #3 but I am not much of a science guy.

I like Jon Stewart. This is one of his best lines after W takes the piss out of Hilary during the State of the Union address.

Here are a couple of clips of David Cross on the Colbert Report. Cross plays liberal radio host Russ Lieber.

This is the second Colbert Report with David Cross playing and discussing school vouchers. “I know one thing; kids don’t want to be hugged by nuclear arms.”

I am a big fan of fictional products . I always order a Big Kahuna Burger, a side of Soylent green with a Buzz cola.

Taiwaner of the Week

2006-04-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

(from the World Conservation Society)

The Chinese Alligator

With all the controversy over Pandas not being allowed into Taiwan, I was surprised that this little story went unreported. Chinese Alligator lizards debut at Taipei zoo.I was also confused as to why the Panda hating Chen Shui-bian could accept alligators and not pandas? Alligators are slimy and dangerous while pandas are cute and cuddly. Did Annette Lu secretly go to Beijing to make a deal to get these endangered little gators? How could the KMT (who really love endangered species) have missed the boat.

I was shocked to find out that these are ABC or GBC alligators. While ethnically Chinese these little guys were born in Nurenberg, Germany. So I guess they aren't as important as an endangered mainlander animal like the Panda. They may also face descrimination like other ABCs in Taiwan. It did take some time to get the little gators into Taiwan. Taiwan finally alllowed the Chinese Alligator lizards when the Nurenberg Zoo finally agreed to export them to Taiwan and not Taiwan, Province of China Bejing should take note. It was that easy, not very difficult at all. We can all learn from the Chinese Alligator.

Update: Big Ell and the China Post have been had. This story doesn't appear to be true. Read the comments for a more detailed explanation. Thank you Echo!

7 Days Later

2006-04-01T06:42:00.000-07:00

I am starting another feature here at Big Ell's Blog called, '7 Days Later.' I am going to try and post about the most interesting stories that I find during the week pertaining to Taiwan. These will be stories that fly under the radar in the Taiwan blogosphere. These stories don't warrant a full post but are stories that need to be told. I also hope to post once a week, but probably won't.

3/26/06
Lovers of authoritarian dictators are excited that Chiang Kai-shek's (蔣介石) diaries will be released this week. They will be lined up for miles to read the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. KMT head Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九) said:

"I think it is good as it allows people to know some inside stories behind the making of some historic decisions."

The first set of diaries are from 1917-1931 so I am a little disappointed. I am waiting for CKS volume 3 (1950-1975): I am now a Taiwanese. It will be interesting to read his reasoning for the White Terror era and all of his other achievements. The Pan Blues will be able to use the Generalissimo's words to remember fondly about a time when Taiwanese was only spoken at home, shops closed at 11 and a Beijing accent was the key to any government job. It will take more than removing a few statues to remove CKS' legacy from the hearts and minds of Ma and the Pan Blues.

3/30/06
Imagine your Miss Hsu, a singer in a Chungli KTV, and you find out your father needs a new liver and you're the only match. What would you do? I think most people would try to help out their old man. Miss Hsu is no different and agreed to donate 60% of her liver to help her dying father. I think that most people would be touched by this type of giving. Evidently not having all of your liver was a deal breaker for Miss Hsu's fiance. Last time I checked, livers could grow back.

The Taiwan Legislature is ammending some immigration laws. Big yawn. Liao Yuan-hao, assistant professor of law at National Chengchi University (國立政治大學), said it best:

the versions of the Immigrant Law amendments drafted by the Cabinet and legislators fail to protect the rights of foreigners and immigrants ... the proposals focus on how to "manage" immigrants but paid scant attention to how to treat them as real citizens.

3/31/06
Like the Apple Daily I love scandals, expecially sex scandals. Evidently two procurement officials (Chen Hsi-kuan and Huang Chien-hsun) were wined and dined by a construction company at a sex KTV in Kaoshiung during Chinese New Year. They claim it was a night of drinking and singling with half-naked waitresses. This is not unheard of in Taiwan or in many other countries if you take away the karaoke machine. Controversy arose when it was revealed that the construction company was bidding on an interior decoration contract for a hall in the Presidential Office Building. The two guys were demoted but this was not good enough for the KMT's Lee Ching-hua who claims they were having sex and not merely socializing with the half naked waitresses. Lee Chnig-hua also takes a crack at A-Bian saying that the Presidential Office is evolving from an insider share trading center to a sex center.

4/1/06
I taught junior high school in Taichung County and was always amazed when my students couldn't comprehend my instructions in Chinese. I am sure glad I didn't teach at Shih Chen Junior High School because my Taiwanese isn't even hai hao like my Chinese.

Taiwaner of the Week

2006-03-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

DPP legislator Tu Wen-Ching is my Taiwaner of the Week. This guy exudes class and maturity and won't hesitate to use his political power to belittle and embarass those that cross him. I should be afraid of some kind of serious reprisal for writing this but not very many people read this blog.

The story started in December when Tu Wen-Ching:

shouted filthy words at the Customs officer, Lin Chiu-tung (林秋東), on Dec. 19 at the Customs desk in CKS airport, after Lin had seized 20 boxes of cigarettes -- said to be worth a mere NT$3,000 (US$92.46) -- from Tu when he and his friends had returned to Taiwan.

Either this guy takes his cigarette smuggling seriously or he was just having a nicotine fit. Later on in the article it states that Tu is a non-smoker and was just heping his friends. I am a smoker and think cigarettes are ridiculously inexpensive in Taiwan. I don't normally buy duty free smokes because a pack of Marlboro Lights is only 55 NT$ or about $1.70 US. But Tu Wen-Ching is the kind of guy who helps his friends anyway he can.

Tu Wen-Ching couldn't leave well enough alone. Verbally abusing a customs officer at the airport wasn't enough. He used his political position to exact revenge. It appears that Tu got his buddy, DPP Legislator Yu Cheng-tao (余政道) , to make Lin attend a Finance Committee meeting. At the meeting he publicly humiliated the customs officer again.

Tu used a hearing on Customs to work himself into a paroxysm of juvenile rage -- complete with props -- and attacked the hapless Lin.

"Do you know who I am now? Did I bring any cigarettes? Did I bring any cigarettes in this handbag? Did I?" shouted Tu during the commitee meeting, gesticulating at a bag he asserted was the same he had had when he entered Taiwan on Dec. 19. Yelling at Lin incessantly, Tu pulled items -- including a pair of underpants -- out of the bag and waved them around in the air.

After this frenetic display, Tu -- who said he was a non-smoker -- said he had never shouted abuse at Lin, adding that the cigarettes didn't belong to him, but to his friends.

Do you know who I am now? Well, yes I do Mr. Tu, you are an asshole. The kind of petty asshole that gives the DPP and Taiwanese politicians in general a bad name. I was happy to hear that DPPChairman Yu Shyi-kun called for his party's caucus to discipline Legislator Tu Wen-ching. One problem in Taiwan is that many officials turn a blind eye to infractions like this prefferring to look the other way. Lin decided to adhere to the law and he gets publicly humiliated. The interesting thing is that apparently all he did was send Tu to another line for further examination.

Lin was visibly frightened by the legislator's vicious tantrum, and said he didn't see if Tu had cigarettes at the time. He said that he had merely directed Tu to a different counter to deal with the issue. He closed his remarks by saying "may god bless you" to the lawmaker.

If this wasn't sad enough, five other DPP legislators joined in, supporting Tu and taking turns blasting Yu, Lin and the Customs office as a whole. Don't these legislators have better things to do, like maybe trying to pass legislation.

Update: ESWN has some pictures and commentary on this case.

Republic of Corruption

2006-03-10T22:58:00.000-07:00

Original image posted at Swampmaster.org

Dog eat Dog in the Year of the Dog

I was chatting with a co-worker (Fraser) the other day. His wife Joanne’s hobby/calling is saving animals, usually cats. He told me a story about dogs eating dogs in Taichung. Apparently overcrowding and lack of food in Taichung’s dog shelter has caused the imprisoned dogs to eat the bodies of dead dogs. I tried to find out if this was indeed true. I used all known research tools (the internet) and failed to find anything, so I figured it was some kind of Taichung urban myth. Then I opened the Taipei Times today and saw the story on page 2.

A Taichung city councilor and animal rights groups yesterday slammed the Taichung City Government for its inaction over an animal shelter incident earlier this week that involved dogs eating the bodies of other dogs. Dogs kept in the animal shelter in Taichung were found on Sunday to be feeding on the carcasses of other dogs out of hunger, Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) Taichung City Councilor Tseng Chao-jung (曾朝榮) said.

The article goes on to quote Huang Pi-chu (黃璧珠), head of the Taichung Universal Animal Protection Association. She say that Environmental Protection Agency workers in Taichung are under immense pressure to catch stray dogs. They need to catch 45 dogs a day. The dogs are then kept for a week before they are euthanized unless homes are found. So I am guessing that they are all killed. My math skills are rusty but the article says ti works out 1000 dogs a month or 12 000 dogs a year.

Animal rights advocate Chen Chien-chung (陳憲忠) was pissed and said:

if Taichung Mayor Jason Hu (胡志強) couldn't even take care of his city's dogs, a case of "panda-eating-panda" might be next.

This nearly made me spit out my cheerios. It is an awesome line referring to the ongoing Panda gate controversy that has been all over the Taiwan Blogoshpere since Lien Chan put on his kneepads in China last year. The best post on Panda Gate was from the Foreigner in Formosa.

Chen Chien-chung also said:

The dogcatchers just capture every dog they see on the street, even house pets

Well I am glad that my dog didn’t get picked up. Those stray dogs would have made short work of Arthur. He is no match for the vicious Taichung stray dog breed. Shit, he goes to a dog spa once a month. Apparently this isn’t the first time this has happened in Taiwan. Starving dogs tucked into some other dogs in Taipei in 1998. This caused Steven Seagal to come to Taiwan to meet then President Lee. He will be pissed again and is sure to be Out for Justice. Some kind of protest is planned for next Thursday but I don't know any of the details.

Tags: [Taiwan] [Taichung] [animal cruelty] [animal canibalism]

The Life and Times of Big Ell

2006-03-07T09:06:00.000-07:00

I watched the Academy Awards last night as I do almost every year. I tried to stay away from the Internet/TV so that I wouldn’t know the results. It was almost 9:30 and I was flipping the channels trying to find Star Movies. I stopped at a channel that said Academy Awards coming. I heard the music and then a list of the winners started scrolling. I frantically tried to change the channel but to no avail as I saw the winners of best picture, best actor and best director. I managed to change the channel to the very next channel before all of the results had been spoiled. Lo and behold the next channel was Star Movies and the Oscars were about to begin. So basically the bastards who run the channel next to Star Movies (I think Cinemax) decided to show all of the award winners to screw dumb asses like me. I guess they thought that I would be more willing to watch the shit they usually play if i already knew the results. Well I watched the Oscars any way eventhough the Dolph Lundgren movie on Cinemax looked promising..

Anyway, Taiwan is abuzz with excitement because Ang Lee (李安) won the best director prize. President Chen Shui-bian (陳水扁), who sensed a golden opportunity to get in the newspapers without any controversy, quickly delivered a note of congratulations to Lee. "He makes a perfect interpretation of our goal of building a state based on culture and human rights. We are very proud of him."

Vice President Annette Lu (呂秀蓮) Annette Lu went on to call him the Pride of Tawian. This was interesting as I think Lee (based on his speech) would call himself the Pride of Taiwan, Hong Kong and China or simply the Pride of Greater China.

While most people seemed happy with the victory the best quotes (as always) come from independent Legislator Li Ao (李敖) who does not watch "gay movies."

"I do not understand gay movies and I dislike the idea of homosexuality. Well, gay people can get married, but why do they want to adopt children? What is the child going to say to his or her classmates? I have two fathers?" Li said. "This just doesn't make any sense. I think gay people are really too much. Brokeback Mountain is simply a nuisance to me."

KMT Legislator Justin Chou (周守訓) produced another gem when asked if he enjoyed the intimacy depicted in Brokeback.

"I do admire their close relationship. But I guess I could never do that in my life."

I am not sure if he was referring to intimate relationships in general or homosexual intimacy.
On a side note, an enterprising travel agent in Taipei is already trying to cash in on the Brokeback fever sweeping across Taiwan

A local travel agency has begun offering "Brokeback Mountain" tour specials, with a special discount on offer for gay couples. The package includes a 9-day trip to many of the locations where the movie was filmed, including Kananaskis Country provincial parkland, Fort Macleod, Blackie and Crossfield in Alberta Province, Canada. … It is also offering a more unique promotion: couples who tell the travel agency that they are gay and wish to share the same bed will receive an additional NT$5,000 discount.

I have taken my Taiwanese family to Kananaskis Country and they loved it. I have also taken them to small town Alberta and well, not so much love. I have worked/lived in Fort Macleod and visited both Blackie and Crossfield. Fort Macleod is pretty close to head Smashed in Buffalo Jump and has the RCMP musical ride. Apparently people want to visit the bus stop becasue it was in the movie. Trust me on this one; not that exciting. Blackie is a one grain elevator town south of Calgary. Crossfield is north of Calgary and has Pete Knight Days and a Winter Carnival. I wouldn’t describe these places as the assholes of Alberta, wel,l yes I would.

I would love to see the look on the locals faces when bus loads of Taiwanese tourists rumble into town. All of these curious tourists ambling down the main streets looking for the spots where the gay cowboy movie was shot. From my experience small town Albertans are sometimes not the most tolerant folks. I am pretty sure that the owners of the small town motels would love to get the cash busloads of Taiwanese people would bring. I am not sure what they would think about gay Taiwanese couples bunking in their establishments. It could be hilarious or dangerous depending on how many bottles of Alberta Springs are put back. At least the tourists will be able to find some 'ethnic,' food in two of the towns. The New Hong Kong restaurant in Macleod has great chow mein, Blackie has some Thai food but unfortunately Crossfield doesn’t have any ethnic food. I thought every small town on the praries had a Chinese Food Restaurant, oh how the times have changed.

Some other observations on the event and telecast:

Hollywood actors take themselves way too seriously. Jon Stewart cracked a few mild jokes about some nominees and they looked like the world was about to end. Joaquin Phoenix had to be the worst, lighten up big fella, you pretend for a living.
While I like George Clooney he needs to remember that he got his start on the Facts of Life.
Wow, Jennifer Garner has large breasts, they sure make walking difficult.
The Vibo commercial with the girl moving into an apartment with the two wild and crazy guys makes me want to drink a litre of draino. I have yet to see two Taiwanese guys high five each other or pump their fists in excitement unless they were trying to get elected.
I think the Best Actor guy from Capote is the bad guy in the new Mission Impossible movie based in Shanghai. Man that movie looks like shit. Shouldn’t the bad guy be Chinese if the movie is set in Shanghai?
Jamie Foxx needs to boycott all of these events. Every time they mentioned anything about an African American actor/actress they panned to him. He reminded me of Token from South Park.
Bananarama has reunited and have put out some kind of greatest hits/remixes CD in Taiwan. Boy do they look old now and I feel even older. I also thought there were three of them.

Tags:[Taiwan] [Academy Awards] [Ang Lee] [Alberta]

The Life and Times of Big Ell

2006-02-17T13:34:00.000-07:00

When Taiwanese students decide to learn English the first order of business is to get an English name. If the kids are young the naming goes to the parents or a teacher, if they are old enough they give themselves a name. The most popular names are usually quite generic. Occasionally a student will have a phonetic representation of their Chinese names. Other popular names usually end with the hard vowel sound e. Other students choose their names based on popular celebrities like Jordan (Michael Jordan), Jacky (Jacky Chan or Jacky Wu), Coco (Coco Lee), Tiger (Tiger Woods) Harry (Harry Potter) etc. An incredible amount are misspelled so check out Mark’s pet peeves at Doubting to Shuo for his take.

In honor of this ‘tradition,’ I have tried to remember some of the best names I have heard in my eight plus years on the island.

Cartoons: Mowgli (a feral 3 three old, now a normal 10 year old), Tom and Jerry (twin brothers), an inordinate amount of kids named Minnie and Mickey, Tigger, Garfield, Linus (not really that weird), Snoopy, Nemo and Kitty. Funny no one named Doraemon yet.
Furniture: Seat, Couch and one Table.
Pro Wrestlers: Rock, the Game (used to be Kevin but he really loves the WWF) and Hulk (not sure if he was the wrestler or just Incredible.)
Natural Phenomenon: Rainbow (One of the few ALE members who actually learned anything), Cloudy, Sunny and Water,
Animals: Lion, Kitty, Eagle and my favorite Bat.
Adjectives: Dark (now changed to Darko), Wisdom (ironically he doesn’t have much), First (the oldest boy), Chinese (given by her mom), Powerful shortened to Power (with his little brother Plus) and a couple of women named Shiny.
Verbs: Link and Follow.
Fashion: Gucci (often mispronounced Guggi), LV and Chanel.
Music: Jazz and Bono.
Computers: Acer (with a sister named Guggie)
Toys: Numerous Yo-Yos and one Slinky (sorry I made that up)
Body parts: A little girl named Titty. A man named Brain.
Miscellaneous: NATAS (Satan backwards, really, really, into the occult.), Nigger (a gangster rap lover from Kaoshiung), Yorg, Olio (a very thick kid), Lala (a very nice little girl), Braid (now Brad) and Elf (named by his big brother after watching Lords of the Ring.)

Unfortunately no one named Big Ell but one Elliot which is one t away from my name.

My favorite names came from the lowest level class at Washington High School. Basically a class of sweat hogs who had rich folks and zero intention of learning any English or any subject for that matter. On my first day of class I gave roll call. My class was all boys. I was heartened to see many names based on NBA players like McGrady, Nash and Jordan. I immediately thought I would be able to reach them through basketball. I could mould their minds like James Edward Olmos in "Stand by Me." Then I started to read out names like Vivian (an overweight thug), Mary (Vivian’s bitch), Coco (one gene short) and two Barbies (Barbie 1 and Barbie 2). I knew I was in trouble. The fact that they had turned their desks to face the back of the class should have been my first clue. I can honestly say they learned next to nothing. The top student told me to “Suck my cock!” when I called his name. They were one of my favorite classes.

Tags: [Taiwan] [ESL] [Strange Names]

Taiwaner of the Week

2006-02-17T11:48:00.000-07:00

Jason Hu (scanned by Big Ell)

I picked up the latest issue of the Compass the other day while enjoying lunch at Uncle Jimmy’s Christian Kitchen. I was happy to see Taichung Mayor Jason Hu on the cover again. If I remember correctly he was on the cover four years ago. Mr.Hu won a landslide re-election and I was interested to read his plans for Taichung for the next four years.

The Compass article reminded me of the classic Simpson’s episode from year two "Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish."In this episode Monty Burns runs for governor. He is losing the election and his campaign manager tells Mr. Burns that he has lost touch with the common man. Burns decides to visit the Simpson house for a photo-op. The Burns campaign writes hard hitting questions for the family to ask:

Homer: Um, you know, Mr. Burns, my family and I, um feel that taxes are too high. Where do you stand on this highly controversial issue?
Lisa: Mr. Burns, your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?

Now I know that the Compass is not a political magazine. It is primarily a magazine used to promote local restaurants and nightclubs and many of their ‘articles,’ are merely promotional pieces for the same restaurants and nightclubs. The Compass also has a huge section from the Taichung Municipal government. Needless to say I wasn’t really expecting any hard hitting questions for the head of the Taichung Municipal government. Here is a clip from Ni Howdy where Sandy meets the mayor; you can see the two guys responsible for Compass on stage with Mr. Hu.

To be fair to the Compass it is not much different than the Taichung Voice The only difference is that the Compass uses more of their own writers than the Voice. I have read an article written about a hospital in the Voice written by the project manager of the same hospital. The only thing that the Voice has going for it are the columns by Karl from Chewin in the Chung. It also has less restaurant reviews. I really wish he would post his Voice articles on his blog again. I have also learned that the Compass' writers get paid while the Voice's writers do it for free.

Here are my highlights or lowlights of the issue depending on your viewpoint.

Compass: If you look back at the last four years, what would you consider frustrating or disappointing?
Hu: Most frustrating is in regard to law and order because Taichung has been perhaps the last in crime statistics for almost 10 years. With the insufficiency of police manpower, we have the highest crime rate in three cities—Taipei, Kaohsiung and Taichung.

I am not sure about his reasoning but always thought Taichung led Taiwan in crime because of all of the gangsters that reside here. I also believe that the Taichung police would be much more effective if they actually did some policing. Actually that night be a bad thing because then I would have to drive the speed limit and stop a red lights.

(Is this a model of the failed Taichung Guggenheim building or one of Big Ell's Star Wars Collectable collection? You decide.)

Hu: Also, I must be honest, the possibility of Guggenheim coming to Taichung helped tremendously with expectations for real estate, plus the fact that the new city government building, new city council, new opera house, and open-air theater will be built. Most will be finished, more or less, in the next four years. All these construction plans, plus Guggenheim, stirred up speculation on the real estate market. So, land prices, quiet for about 10 years, started to shoot up and real estate has become an engine of growth in Taichung.

I almost forget about the Guggenheim Taichung; Hu’s attempt to bring world class culture to Taichung. Hu fails to really explain the whole Guggenheim debacle. I guess he blames the DPP for canceling his $400 million USD pet project. The government may have cancelled it for some other reasons but he doesn't elaborate. I am just curious about how much this failed attempt cost.

He does add one interesting tidbit about the Guggenheim: “(it) stirred up speculation on the real estate market.” Was the whole Guggenheim pipe dream just an excuse to increase real estate speculation in Taichung? A skeptic may wonder if this whole idea was in reality a way of ramping up dead real estate prices in an area of town designated to be the new heart of Taichung. I am not sure who owns most of the land in this part of town. I guess it was a win-win for private landowners and for the Taichung City Government. After all Hu thinks that being in Taichung evokes the same feelings as being in California.

Hu: I need to seek central government in building a beltway system around Taichung—the inner, center and outer rings. I need to also urge the central government to improve air and sea international linking abilities of Taichung, namely the internationalization of CCK Airport and Taichung Harbor.

I think these are both great ideas and have been for the eight years that I have been here. A fully functioning or even partially functioning International airport would be nice. It’s just too bad that it is so far away from the city center and that the infrastructure connecting it to Taichung City stinks. A beltway system is also a good idea. How about connections to the Taichung High Speed Rail while were dreaming? Why is it in Wu’er where not many people live? At least some kind of connection to the downtown would be nice. Red A once said “I imagine there will be apartments and stores built around it, someday.”

Hu: I was seriously sick, or not so seriously sick, once close to four years ago.

Were you seriously sick or weren’t you? I'm a taxpayer and I want some answers.

Compass: As all this is happening, Taichung is obviously becoming a more international city. What measures are you continuing, or new measures are you taking, to make this city even more international?

I have lived here for eight years and haven’t seen much internationalization going on. Unless you count two new free English magazines, more foriegn owned bars/restaurants and even more English teachers from continental Europe. I guess that the new science park will bring more foreigners to town but is this really internationalization? How does one measure being international? Are failed museums, Pavarotti concerts and higher real estate prices true internationalization? I guess this is why he has enlisted Michael Turton to find the answer to this problem. I would settle for sidewalks and baby changing stations in restaurants.

Tags: [Taiwan] [Taichung] [Jason Hu]

Update: I made a mistake that I've corrected. The Taichung Voice is no longer affiliated with AMCHAM.

Wasting Time

2006-02-05T03:02:00.000-07:00

Here is the latest edition of a Big Ell's Blog favorite; Wasting Time.

I was watching CNN the other night when Larry King came on. I was about to turn when I realized Bill Maher was guest hosting. I used to watch his Politically Incorrect show when I lived in Vancouver and it was always mildly entertaining. Bill Maher was more entertaining this time around and to tell you the truth I don't know why. I doubt that he has really changed much but I am easily entertained these days. Evidently he now has a show on HBO. I went to the web site and stumbled upon Bill Maher’s New Rules bit. I found it quite hit and miss but thise was my favorite:

And in honor of the president's trip to South America, New Rule: You can't wear a Che Guevara tee-shirt with your designer jeans unless you're trying to be ironic. One is a symbol for impoverished workers. The other was sewn by them. You want to support the poor people in Latin America? Buy more coke.

This is a pretty funny skit that shows Bill Gates running like a girl running like a girl. The opening bit with ‘Steve Jobs,’ is a annoying but Bill running is pure gold. I would like Bill to know that I actually own a legitimate copy of XP and hope that he doesn’t send any thugs to break my legs.

This site newgrounds.com has some pretty boring games but I found the Assassin game wildly amusing.

I only played Counterstrike a handful of times because I don’t like 1st person shooters, . I do fully understand the allure of this game and know countless addicts. That’s why I found ths video from a Counterstrike competition wildly amusing. Remember cheaters never prosper.

Keeping with the video game theme here is junior high school band playing the halo theme song.

I am not sure of the veracity of this videos but they are funny. They are allegedly videos from hidden security cameras. The courier video looks staged but the other two are quite funny.

Categories: Wasting Time

Taiwaner of the Week

2006-01-21T21:51:00.000-07:00

Taiwaner of the Week is a new feature to Big Ell's Blog where he will look at an event in Taiwan that was in the news.

When I was a kid my sister and mother went crazy when Prince Charles married Lady Diana. I went crazy when Wayne Gretzky and Janet Jones tied the knot. I never thought I would see spectacles like this ever again, let alone in Taiwan. Boy was I mistaken, Taiwan's wedding of the year may not have matched the pomp and ceremony of the aforementioned Royal Weddings but it was a pretty good showing.

Non-Partisan Solidarity Union Legislator Yen Chin-piao celebrates the marriage of his youngest son with a massive wedding in the Sports Stadium at his hometown of Shalu in Taichung County. There were up to 2000 tables and latecomers were taken to additional restaurants in nearby towns.

The more than 20,000 guests taking the 2,000 tables at the main arena included the four top leaders of the opposition "pan-blue" alliance -- Honorary Kuomintang (KMT) Chairman Lien Chan, KMT Chairman Ma Ying-jeou, Legislative Yuan President Wang Jin-pyng and People First Party Chairman James Soong.

President Chen Shui-bian sent congratulatory gifts and message, though he did not show up personally.

This is yet another indicator of Taiwanese societies move away from the pan-greens to the pan-blues. The pan-greens used to have the wedding banquet record but have failed again to meet the challenge of the blues. The number of wedding tables at the weddings of Taiwanese big-wigs has always been a bell weather of sorts in Taiwan Politics. Very similar to the empty promises bell weather in Canadian politics.

The previous record for a wedding banquet on the island was set by the ruling Democratic Progressive Party's Legislator Hsu Chih-ming, representing Kaohsiung County, who needed 1,688 tables to settle in the guests when he married off his daughter in January 2004.

It is also good to know that the legislator Yen drives one of the only five Bentleys driven in Taiwan. He allowed his son Yen Chia-yi and his bride to use to lead the wedding procession. This wedding procession included 36 BMW 475s.

In Canada weddings that take place with the bride being six months pregnant brides are known as 'shotgun,' weddings. I am not in any way impying this is the case. The Yen's have traditionally gotten married young and the youngest son is no exception.

Both the groom and the bride are aged 16, the junior Yen beating the records of his father and an elder brother, who both married at 17.

With three sons and one daughter, Yen will soon have a new member joining the family. His youngest daughter-in-law showing up at yesterday's wedding banquet is six month pregnant.

The cash filled red envelopes were also flowing, an estimated NT $30 million or almost $1 million American. So much money in fact that the police had to escort the money to Yen's office.

The China Post also writes some personal information about Mr. Yen. A veritable rags to riches story. He is sort of a Taiwanese Horatio Alger of sorts.

But the largest ever wedding banquet tells the development of Yen, one of the highly unusual politicians emerged in the Taiwanese-style democracy. With only a high school diploma, Yen started his political career as a li chief in the coastal town of Shalu -- one "li" is comprised of dozens to hundreds of households. He soon moved up into the Taichung County Council and Taiwan Provincial Assembly.

After the Taiwan Provincial Government was relegated to only a nominal organization, Yen returned to Taichung County Council and became a speaker.

At the age of 45, Yen was elected chairman of an administration committee supervising the operations of the "Chenglan" Temple in Tachia, worshipping Matsu -- the Goddess of the Sea.

Although widely seen as a man loyal to his friends and congenial to most people, Yen was expelled from then-ruling KMT because he backed former Taiwan Provincial Gov. James Soong in the 2000 President after then President and KMT Chairman Lee Teng-hui vetoed a sure-win Lien-Soong ticket. The KMT split paved the way for then opposition Democratic Progressive Party to take over the power for the first time.

Yen then started facing a series of litigations, including misappropriations of public funds to treat council members when he served as speaker.

He returned to smooth sailing after getting elected as a legislator with a big victory. Currently serving his second term in the Legislative Yuan, Yen is a member of the Non-Partisan Solidarity Union (NPSU) that normally teams up with the opposition "pan-blue" alliance.

I am not brave enough to have opinions on Mr. Yen. I have a lovely wife and daughter which basically means I don't have any balls. Or big enough balls to say anything negative about Mr. Yen. The only thing I know is that the food would have been much better than this banquet from the View from Taiwan.

BTW: If you are wondering how Yen now looks so svelte these days check out his diet.

Tags: [Taiwan] [NPSU] [KMT] [Wedding]

disregard continue here

The Life and Times of Big Ell

2006-01-14T10:40:00.000-07:00

originally from Cartoonstock.com

After a two month long break from my Blog, Big Ell is back. I want to apologize to the hand full of folks who actually read this blog. I was thinking of shutting it down completely but got a few words of encouragement from a loyal reader and have decided to keep plugging away. One of my New Years resolutions is to post four or five times a month. The fact is that it is already mid January and this is my first post of the month. So the chances of keeping this resolution are sliml. Here is a list of some other of Big Ell’s 2006 New Years Resolutions:

1. ~~Quit Smoking~~
2. ~~More Exercise~~
3. ~~Lose Weight~~
4. ~~Study Chinese~~
5. ~~Become Spirtual~~
6. ~~Take up Yoga~~
7. Eat more cheese burgers

So you can see that I haven't been very sucessful yet. I should be able to keep resolution #7 with my new Le Creuset cast iron grill. Mrs. Big Ell always buys Big Ell great gifts and that great piece of equipment makes a mean cheese burger. Maybe I'll have to cut out the cheese if I want to achieve #3.

My High School Football coach always said “Excuses are for losers!” So with that in mind I want to give you a myriad of excuses that I have created for my extended absence from Big Ell’s Blog.

First, babies take a lot more time than I thought. I figured she would sleep a lot more allowing me to spend my nights writing. All you other fathers can stop laughing. She really doesn’t like sleeping that much even when she is very tired; just like her old man. She does like it when I play with her and sing to her. To be honest I find that a lot more interesting than writing about Taiwan politics, music or linking to fights.

Second, school becomes very chaotic in December and January with Christmas performances, tests and preparing for speech contests. I have written close to thirty different fairly original speeches. Some of you may be wondering why the teacher has to write the speeches for a speech contest where the contestants are the kids. To quote Al Davis “Just win baby.” The logic is that there is a better chance for the kids to win if the foreign teachers write the speeches. This is especially true when the competitors at other schools don’t have the same advantage. Rigging speech contests is a speciality of mine. If any of my speeches win I will post them here for your enjoyment.

Third, the Big Ell clan headed to Calgary for Christmas. It was great to be in Calgary for Christmas. We had great weather (+14 on Christmas Day) and it was great to show off my baby to all of my family and friends. Calgarians are rolling in black gold these days and it was a real eye opener. This deserves a post of its own.

Fourth, the demise of the weekly Blog Round-Up over at the View From Taiwan. The weekly round up gave me and other Taiwan bloggers and excuse to Blog on something about Taiwan on at least a weekly basis. The jump in hits and Mr. Turton’s commentary made making the round up a must. I was despondent when he stopped writing it and am only now recovering. Damn you Michael Turton, damn you.

Fifth, I couldn’t really think of anything to write about. But like Ariel Sharon I have been rejuvenated. My writer’s block has lifted and I am ready for 2006. Expect to see more pieces on Taiwanese politics in Republic of Corruption. I also hope to write some other stuff about Taiwan, to show the more positive aspects of life in Taiwan. This new feature will be called Fabulous Formosa. I laos want to write more on world politics in Big Ell's Soapbox. I also want to write more about Canada in the Great White North. I will also continue to write about music I find and like in 33 and a 1/3. There will be more book reviews for Big Ell's Bookshelf as I picked up even more books while back home. I will also continue to post links to weird/interesting/disturbing stuff in my Wasting Time posts. I have a few other ideas but don’t want to let the cat out of the bag. Anyway, Happy New Years to all of my readers and may the Steelers smite the Colts tomorrow.

Wasting Time

2005-11-18T12:18:00.000-07:00

I had a strange week of work. My mornings and afternoons were filled with crying. I am also a new father so my evenings and nights were also filled with crying. So it was 24/7 crying in Big Ell’s little world. I teach youngsters who are prone to cry. I can accept this; theses kids should probably be at home sucking on a nipple or watching Cartoon network rather than being forced to interact with some foot loose and fancy free foreigner (thank you J-Hole). To be fair I have worked with mainly responsible folks at various kindergartens in central Taiwan. But I have run into some folks who are probably on parole or have been recently discharged from some kind of asylum in their home country. If I had some balls I would write some kind of ‘Kindergarten Confidential,’ book. But I have a kid now so I don’t want to end up wearing cement flip-flops at the bottom of some Taichung County rice paddy.

Children cry a lot in general but it seems to be more common place in Taiwan. I am not sure why this is. Maybe it is because they are being raised by their grandparents who grant their every wish as grandparents are wont to do. Maybe it is because one parent is working in China leaving the child in a defacto single parent situation. Or maybe it is because they sleep with their parents until they’re 14-15 years old. Alright, that is a lie but that is what it seems like. In this case the people were not children but co-workers. This is not that unusual. I seem to have a gift for making grown adults cry. I made an adult cry during year one by asking her what her English ability was. To be honest, most of the adult criers were women; probably because they have higher EQs or something like that. But I did make a man cry once, unfortunately I can’t remember how.

The grown adult crying this week was for reasons that are too inane to type. Mind you if you read this blog you have come to expect the inane. Adult one cried because I asked her if she had ever made popcorn with a casseole dish and a hot plate. Adult Two cried because I asked her why she had her students complete the wrong workbook pages. So to celebrate the adult crybabies in my life this week I have included this link.

An indispensable Taiwan ESL elementary classroom game is Rock, paper, scissors or if you like Paper, scissor, stone. This game has so many uses. I normally use this game to see who gets to start the plethora of games I use in class. I actually use tons of games that trick the students into thinking they are having fun and not learning anything. Mind you my 4th and 5th graders have caught on but still keep coming back for more. I have also heard of other English teaching professionals killing 30 minute classes with endless rounds of this game. Actually I am lying but that would be funny and is not that far fetched. This is a funny link to a Rock, paper, scissors game gone horribly awry.

Oh the joy of picking ones nose; I would write more but my wife occasionally reads this blog

My dad is an artist and knows all about Bob Ross from PBS. Here is Bob Ross the painting mother fucker.

This is a link to different orgasm faces. . Which orgasm face are you?

Tags: [Taiwan][ESL][Teaching Taiwan][Crying]

Republic of Corruption

2005-11-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

Photo by Lee Ying, Taipei Times

KMT Legislator Hong Hsiu-chu (洪秀柱) is very angry that someone defaced her service center in Yonghe (永和), Taipei County. According to the China Post a male aged 40-50 wrote ‘whore,’ on her sign when her real nickname is ‘Little Chili.' I was confused because the Taipei Times reported that the offensive characters written were biaozi (bitch, 婊子). The Times also states that Hong’s center received several obscene or threatening telephone calls. It is believed that the incidents are linked to clashes between Hung and Government Information Office (GIO) Minister Pasuya Yao (姚文智) on Monday where Hung called Yao a pizi (ruffian, 痞子). So I went to Zhongwen.com to find the answer.

I must admit I was disappointed to find out that whore and bitch are essentially the same words in Chinese.

I don’t know much about Legislator Hong Hsiu-chu (洪秀柱) but found this bit interesting from the China Post article.

I demand the police to crack the case within 24 hours." said Hong in the morning. She said that, since law enforcement agencies took only a day to uncover Tu Shih-san, a disgruntled poet and writer who phone the Executive Yuan to deliver a death threat to Premier Frank Hsieh and his family, she is entitled to the same treatment.

I can’t believe that Hong actually believes that being called a bitch/whore is the same offence as threatening to kill someone. I am not sure about Taiwan law but I doubt you do serious jail time for calling someone a bitch/whore. I would argue that being called a bitch/whore is worse than being called a ruffian but not as bad as having the nickname 'Little Chili.'

[Taiwan] [Election] [Hong Hsiu-chu]

Republic of Corruption

2005-11-01T04:34:00.000-07:00

This picture is from Chu Pei-Hsiung of the Taipei Times.

It looks like there was a great Halloween party at the KMT headquarters yesterday. I am only kidding. It wasn't a Halloween party but yet another attempt by the KMT to appeal to 'uncouth, low class Taiwanese,' voters. Just kidding again The goal of the Taike ampaign group is to turn this negative term into a positive one. Lien Sheng-wen or Sean Lien or Lien Chan's boy is in the middle of the back row and appears to be the leader. Am I the only one who looks at this picture and sees West Side Story with Lien Sheng-wen playing Riff?

Now everyone wants to be `taike' Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) legislators and officials -- including party spokeswoman Cheng Li-wen, center front, and Central Standing Committee Member Lien Sheng-wen, center back -- yesterday establish a ``Taike'' campaign group for the upcoming elections, vowing to turn the negative term referring to uncouth, low-class Taiwanese into a positive one.

Republic of Corruption

2005-10-30T09:36:00.000-07:00

Taiwaner of the Week:
Chiu Yi (邱毅)

Taiwanese cable conglomerate TVBS is in big trouble. According to the Taipei Times they are wholly owned by a Chinese company. This is against the law in Taiwan which I believe requires a minimum 50% local ownership. So the DPP government is going to try and shut them down.

In completely unrelated news; the DPP corruption scandal deepens as TVBS continues showing video of the gamblin' man Chen Che-nan (陳哲男) ad nauseum. I think it is fair to say that TVBS is the equivalent of Fox TV in the States. The TVBS News Program "2100 All People Talking," has enjoyed a field day with ongoing anaylsis given by the immortal and politically 'Independent,' Chiu Yi (邱毅) . It is strangely popular because in fact all people are talking at the same time. Chiu is if I remember correctly the rpick who rode on the back of a jeep while it drove through a courthouse door back during the election 'troubles,' of 2004. I need to find the time to write a whole piece on this asshole. Meanwhile Ma continues to lash out at Chen Shui-Bian. Who then apologizes to the people who in turn shrug and change the channel.

Wasting Time

2005-10-21T11:22:00.000-06:00

I would like to introduce Rebecca Laura Ulrich to Big Ell’s Blog. Her Chinese surname is Kuo but no first name had been decided at press time. Rebecca was born on October 10th around 10am in a crowded delivery room in Taichung. October 10th is National Day in Taiwan and was Thanksgiving this year in Canada, so it was an extra special day all around. Needless to say I may find it difficult to put out my 4-5 blogs a month. Professor Turton’s output boggles the mind and with a wife and two kids! Anyway here will be the last Wasting Time for awhile.

I haven’t used an internet quiz to see if I’m gay for a long time so I decided to try it
again. If you click here you may be able to see my ranking. I am not very guy I guess, shit.

Guys getting kicked in the nuts is never fun, especially when you agree to it.

Halloween is just around the corner and here are some excellent costumes that will make you the envy of all your friends,

I can’t believe I haven’t made this blog list yet. It’s only a matter of time.

Here are some cool and shitty album covers at least in the mind of Big Ell’s newest link Secret Santa.

Big Ells Bookshelf

2005-10-07T08:30:00.000-06:00

Here is the first installemt of Big Ell's Bookshelf. I initially planned on writing book reviews on a farily regualr basis but couldn't find the time. Here’s a list of some of the more interesting books I finished reading during the first 6 months of the year.

Eats, Shoots and Leaves by Lynn Truss

I really enjoyed this book from Lynn Truss. I liked her schoolmarm sassiness and dead-pan wit. She also taught me a lot about punctuation but I have already forgotten. This book is well written and apparently punctuated correctly. Not much else to say; the book is on punctuation.

Gun’s, Germs and Steel: The fate of Human Societies by Jared Diamond

Jared Diamond attempts a monumental undertaking with this book. He attempts to chronicle the development of human history and why some cultures have ‘succeeded,’ while others haven’t. He argues that the primary factors behind human development have been: the domestication of plants and animals, geography, knowledge transfer and population density.

I have never had much of an interest in pre-history. I did take a few undergrad courses in university but I never found the subject matter to be very interesting. This book did pique my interest and I had planned on reading more then looked at all of the unread books on my bookshelf and decided against it. Guns, Germs and Steel is a very interesting book; it is well written and researched. Diamond deserves credit for trying very hard to detail opposing positions that contrast his own. The only major problem I found is that he doesn’t take human variables into account, except in passing. All in all a good read and worth checking out.

Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs

This is the memoir of a young Augusten Burroughs from about 13-16 years old. During this time his alcoholic father leaves the family right before his insane mother comes out of the closet. The crazy lesbian mom then gives custody of Augusten to her insane psychiatrist and is later molested by his 33 old step-brother.

This book is hilarious and disturbing both at the same time. I found myself laughing out loud or cringing in pain. It is a quick read and I found it wildly entertaining. I highly recommend it unless you have issues with homosexuality, child abuse and drug abuse; if so please stay clear.

The DaVinci Code and Angels and Demons by Dan Brown

I didn’t mind this book too much when I first read it. I don’t usually read books like this and finished it quickly. I won’t bother with a plot synopsis as everyone must know it by now. It did keep me captivated and I read it in a day or so. I found the subject matter interesting but really don’t see why it won all of the awards.

I read Angels and Demons after the DaVinci Code and it made me angry. The reason I don’t read John Grisham or Michael Crichton is that I find their formulaic writing boring. Dan Brown is no different at least with DaVinci Code and Angels and Demons. Uber Professor Langdon races around trying to beat the clock to solve some mysterious crime. These crimes are caused by forces so devious only he can truly understand what they are really about. In addition, he has some super intelligent hot chick with him who invariably falls for his Symbologist magnetism. Gimmee a fucking break. I have never been to Harvard but based on my long University career, the only things my profs could have picked up would be crabs from the whores on Hastings. If I would have read this book before the DaVinci Code I am sure I would have hated the DaVinci Code as much as I hated this book. If that makes any sense.

Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them by Al Franken

Al Franken takes aim at the neo-conservatives in American politics and media. Not much of what he says is new. He does say it in a rather funny way using sarcasm and irony to skewer fairly easy targets. His rants on Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity are quite good. I really loved his visit to Bob Jones University with his son. He does lose me at times but it is interesting to read about the effect of 911 on Americans, especially ‘liberal,’ Americans. He writes that he and his family were truly scared and that they were going to die at any moment from WMDs. I am sure I would have found the material more interesting if I read this book when it first came out. When I read Lies … this past spring, it just seemed old. It left me to wondering if any of the anti-Bush books will age very well?

Blink : The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell

This book is wildly popular and basically looks at the role of intuition and how it is a more accurate means of prediction than logic or reason. Gladwell argues his case with many different stories ranging from heart attack triage, speed dating, to selling cars. He is basically trying to persuade us not to think, or not to think too much.

I found this book very interesting. He seems to make some good arguments, but I am a Migrant English Teacher who by that fact doesn’t know too much. I would recommend that a much smarter person than me read this book and refute all of its claims. I would appreciate this because this book seems to validate the Taiwanese saying ‘You think too much.’ I hate this saying more than stinky tofu but get it all the time from the wife and in-laws. Is it possible to think too much when you live in a country where the system/culture discourages thinking? Anyway read this book it is well written and interesting.

Life of Pi by Yann Martel

Life of Pi is the story of Pi Patel a precocious boy from Pondicherry, India. The son of a zookeeper he examines animals and spirituality then his father decides to move the family to Canada. The weather started getting rough and the ship was lost if not for the courage of a fearless Pi the animals would be lost. Well, that isn’t exactly what happened.

When I first heard of this book I figured that I would hate it, a boy and a tiger on a lifeboat seemed ridiculous. Then I heard that it contained spirituality and would force me into a bout of personal introspection. Personal introspection is always a good time, with the weeping and cleansing. The fact of the matter is that the more I read this story the more I got into it. Martel is a very good story teller and I found myself actually caring for what happens to Pi and the tiger. I rarely care about characters, which is why I shy away from fiction. This is a very good book check it out.

disregard continue here

Big Ell's Soap Box

2005-09-27T11:37:00.000-06:00

Here is a link to an article from the East Bay Express about a website dedicated to amateur Porn and professional Gore. This site was set up by Floridian web master Craig Wilson who initially planned an amateur porn site where contributers could post pictures of wives and girlfriends to his porn site. Many of his customers ended up being soldiers who complained in e-mails to Wilson about having difficulties registering for his pay site. Being an entrepeneur, Wilson decided to make his site free to American soldiers if they uploaded a picture from Iraq or Afghanistan. Needless to say it became wildly popular with American service people. Wilson was getting so many pictures that he decided to only post the goriest pictures he could find.

Wilson said, "Personally, I don't look at it one way or another. It's newsworthy, and people can form their own opinions."

Here is the link to nowthatsfuckedup.com. The pictures are quite hardcore and the captions are equally disturbing.

I found this article on the Chinese drive to buy energy interesting because I know some folks who work for the Calgary based oil company EnCana that sold some of their Equadorean oilfields to China National Offshore Oil Corp (CNOOC). It doesn’t appear that Canadian oil companies have any problems dealing with CNOOC unlike their American counterparts. I know this is old news and has been covered on many Taiwan/China blogs but I am a little slow I am Canadian, eh. I did find this old LA Times LA Times article interesting as it talks about Albertan attitudes towards the oil boom. Most people I know back at home could care less about the Chinese buying Canadian crude. They don't care who buys it just so long as they've got high paying jobs. I can't think of many places where high school grads are making $50 grand US. Many of my friends and family in the oil patch only care about tricking out their new SUVs and buying a new Big Screen TVs. I imagine that the American Government can't be too happy about this.

In related news the cash rich Alberta government is cutting prosperity bonus cheques. The Alberta government estimates it will have a $7 billion dollar surplus this year with around $1.2 billion earmaked for the people or about $400 per person. Alberta already has a $12 billion nest egg in the Heritage Trust Fund. I sure am glad that I am heading home for Christmas this year.

Snakeheads in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and Equador are breathing a sigh of relief as the Whitehouse has deemed it in the American National interest to exempt them from anti-Human Trafficking legislation. Myanmar, Cuba and North Korea didn't fair so well failing the Whitehouse litmus test. Cambodia and Venezuela also didn’t make the cut but don’t get the sanctions. I understand why Venezuela/Citgo passed the test but why did Cambodia also pass?

The Gentle Rant’s hero Rober Fisk has been barred from entering the States. I guess the right to free speech doesn’t apply to English mudrakers. I wouldn’t let him in either. A journalist that actually interviews people on the scene and doesn’t stay in hotels with his video phone has no place in the world of journalism. It could also be because John Malkovich hates his guts and wants him dead. The Free New Mexican also reports that a rare albino turkey vulture has also been sighted, what a busy news day in New Mexico.

If you have some time check out this excerpt from Robert Fisk's new book 'The Great War for Civilisation: the Conquest of the Middle East'.

disregard continue here

Wasting Time

2005-09-16T07:08:00.000-06:00

A Bunny, Hef and Big Ell Wasting Time

I remember that I first starting perusing Porn when I was Little Ell. I was about 9 or 10 and my dad had left a box of old Playboys in the den but I only found them mildly interesting. Like most people I just read the articles and was done with them. It wasn’t until Junior High school that I really got into Porn; I was even given a subscription to Playboy for a birthday gift, thanks Mom! My love affair with Porn remained unabated all the way through high school, university and Taiwan.

I thought I had seen it all until I came to Taiwan. My first housemates in Taichung had bought a porn filter for our local cable package. The filter was an ingenious device that attached to the coaxial cable. It unscrambled two Porn channels. I only remember the Rainbow Channel. Raibow Channel makes the Playboy Channel look like Good TV. Good or God TV is an evangelical Christian Tv Channel in Taiwan. We had full 24/7 access to all the porn four 20 something males desired. Initially I thought it was Taiwanese Porn but my savvy and more worldly roommates clued me into the fact that most of the porn was in fact from Japan. At that point in my life I had trouble discerning a Japanese Porn star from a Taiwanese Porn star or a Korean Porn Star for that matter. I have evolved to the point where I swear the lumber guy at B&Q is my trailer trash cousin’s doppelganger. I never really go into the Japanese porn with all of the crying and subservience, but it was a much better time killer than most of the other programs on TV.

Porn had never failed me until I decided to have a romantic dinner with my then girlfriend. I had been channel surfing looking for Tzu Chi Channel and by some kind of accident turned the TV off while it was on Rainbow Channel. I went about cooking and cleaning unaware of the impending epic disturbance that was to consume my life. My then girlfriend came home and I prepared a cocktail and some hors d’oeuvres and went back to finish the dinner. Lo and behold she turned on the TV only to see some crazy kidnapping/rape porn. There is no feeling like walking out of the kitchen and seeing your girlfriend watching XXX Japanese Porn. Everything may have been okay if not for the kidnapping/rape things. Talk about a mood killer! Now that I am old and married I stay far away from porn and all of its evil manifestations. I do surf the web a lot and you know there is lots of porn on the net, go figure. So this Wasting Time is dedicated to porn; sweet, sweet porn.

Before I get to the porn links I have to show this clip that has nothing to do with porn. I have never seen Ghetto Fights I but Ghetto Fights II is fucked up. If a big angry guy tells you to back up, back the fuck up and make it quick. Oh yeah and don’t seek revenge by smashing the window on the big angry guy’s car.

Watch this little clip clip. Warning: funny but avoid watching at work or with significant other unless he/she has a sense humor and gets down.

While watching MTV I started to winder if most of the pop singers were actually Porn Stars and not Pop Stars. After watching some Britney and Mariah I quickly realized they are more skank than porn, porn wannabes if you like. Then I found this game from liquidgeneration.com to test my skillz at distinguishing between porn and pop stars. I scored 450 points. If you are wondering how I scored so high, read the next entry.

I was thinkiing about watching some porn the other night and wondered about how I ended up teaching in Taiwan and not writing and directing porn films. My genetic deficiencies prevent me from being a porn star but I am sure I have what it takes to write and/or direct some yellow or blue movies. I have never written a porn film or any film for that matter but judging by the porn I have seen; the competition is quite weak. I have watched 1000s of hours of porn and I feel that all of this time well spent shouldn’t go to waste. So I started looking on the web to find out some tips on how to write some provocative yet tasteless porn. I found this site erotomatic and have included my rough first screenplay. I am open to any suggestions or comments.

In Yuknowho(XXX)

written and directed by Big Ell

starring
Dax Westview.......... as "Olaf" (the rock star)
Gunther Savage........ as "Albert" (the junior agricultural technician)
Kitty Cleavage........ as "Cara" (the air hostess)
Greta Vulva........... as "Brunhilda" (the lollipop lady)

[Opening shot: tight close-up of the supermarket][Soundtrack: luscious moog synthesizer music...][Roll title credits...]

Scene 1
[the supermarket - cut to zoom camera, of Brunhilda, who is wearing kinky gear.
A sunny day.][pause]Olaf: Well hello
Brunhilda: Hello[slow pan of Brunhilda's breasts]
Olaf: By the way, are you 23?
Brunhilda: Dum de dah de dah
Olaf: Right
Brunhilda: Um[Brunhilda takes off her kinky gear while Olaf is now wearing black stockings and stiletto heels]
Brunhilda: hit me!
Olaf: grrr
Brunhilda: left a bit
Olaf: wow
Brunhilda: slurp
Olaf: yes
Brunhilda: ooooooh
Olaf: oink
Brunhilda: ow!
Olaf: mmm
Brunhilda: right a bit
Olaf: fuck me
Brunhilda: that's the spot
Olaf: wow
Brunhilda: oh
Olaf: yes, yes, yes
Brunhilda: hit me!
Olaf: bite me bite me bite me
Both: Yessssss!!!!

Scene 2
[your local GAA clubhouse - cut to zoom camera, of Cara, who is wearing black stockings and stiletto heels. A knock on the door.]

Cara: Well hello
Albert: Hello[camera pan of Cara's perfect skin]
Albert: I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
Cara: Wanna play Twister naked?[close-up of Albert's big wrists]
Albert: Chicks dig me. I wear coloured boxer shorts.
Cara: How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
Albert: Put you lippers on my zipper.... Let's go to the stairwell...
Cara: Was your Dad a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely tuned body?
Albert: Put you lippers on my zipper.
Cara: That's a really nice smile you've got, shame that's not all you are wearing.[Plenty of XXX action with KY jelly]

Scene 3[an upmarket hotel in the country - cut to tight close-up of Cara, who is wearing a sexy polka-dot bikini. Someone's at the door.][pause]

Brunhilda: Hi. You must be the air hostess.
Cara: Pardon me, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?
Brunhilda: I'm Brunhilda
Cara: I'm Cara[SFX: Cue hot Norwegian soundtrack...][Much bonking ensues]
Cara: that's the spot
Brunhilda: I've a dead leg[slow pan of Cara's blond hair]
Cara: bite me.
Brunhilda: oink oink
Cara: aaaaaahhhhh!
Brunhilda: I've got an itch honey. Lower. Lower. Ahhh.
Cara: yumBrunhilda: ah[medium shot of Cara's erect nipples]
Cara: bite me.
Brunhilda: bite me bite me bite me[camera pan of Cara's belly]
Cara: mmmmmm
Brunhilda: yes
Cara: right a bit
Brunhilda: that's it.
Cara: yes, there, right there
Brunhilda: woof
Cara: left a bit
Brunhilda: yes[crane shot of Cara's large jugs]
Cara: [lick]
Brunhilda: wow.
Cara: that's it
Brunhilda: yes, there, right there.
Cara: yes, yes, yes
Brunhilda: wow
Cara: [suck]
Brunhilda: yum
Cara: wow
Brunhilda: oink[A bit of rumpy pumpy, with loads and loads of barmbrack]

Scene 4:[a casino - more XXX action involving Cara, Brunhilda and Olaf with lots of whipped cream and whipped cream]

Fin

Now that you’ve finished reading my first porn screenplay you’ll need a box of tissue and the The World's Largest Collection of Male Masturbation Synonyms. When I was single I was known to ‘punish the pope,’ from time to time.

disregard continue here

Big Ell's Soap Box

2005-09-04T00:14:00.000-06:00

I haven’t had very much time to write about politics. I find it difficult to find time to surf the net for politics when I could be surfing porn, downloading music or looking for fight videos. I have left it to the Gentle Rant, Chaon, Professor Turton and Red A to post witty and informative informative pieces on American politics. Normally when I find an interesting story and finally get around to writing something about it is very old news. Big Ell’s Soapbox will attempt to rectify this situation. I plan on posting links and comments about things that I find odd, funny or downright offensive.

I have managed to watch quite a bit of the devastation in New Orleans and I find it quite depressing. There is so much information on the internet that I don’t think I have very much to add to the issue . I did find this at Gorilla Mask where he shows some pictures from Yahoo News where a black man is pictured and is said to have been looting a grocery store while Yahoo News claims that some white folks were finding food at a supermarket. I think they were just surviving.

Here is an audio clip of the Mayor of New Orleans Ray Naggin. He is ‘pissed,’ about the lack of support from the American Federal Government. “Get off your asses and let’s do something!”

5000 American troops have entered Tall Afar. Will Tall Afar become the next Fallujah? Colonel H.R McMaster bristes at the comparisons but does think that Tall Afar is a ‘microcosm,’ of Iraq’s problems. He does have ambitous plans, “"I don't want to kill this city, I want to bring it back to life…” For the citizens of Tall Afar I hope he is able to resurrect a city while destroying it at the same time.

Nick Turse writes a funny article about the American Army’s choice of restaurants. J-Hole will be happy to know that the US Army loves barbeque to the tune of $164,828 at 13 restaurants in 2004. I wasn’t surprised that the Army doesn’t frequent many Japanese restaurants. I was surprised that they did manage to spend $82,291 at a restaurant in Guatemala. I imagine that the Chiles Rellenos and Chicken Pepian were delightful.

disregard continue here

Wasting Time

2005-09-01T04:11:00.000-06:00

Typhoon Talin appears to have left Taiwan to begin terrorizing China. Normally I enjoy Typhoons as much a sthe next guy. The positives of time off work and clean air for a few days far outweigh the negatives of deth and destruction. Typhoon Talin wasn’t a very friendly typhoon. First, he knocked out my power. Second, he scared the shit out of my dog causing many accidents. Third, he scared the shit out of my wife and I; fortunately only a few small accidents. Fourth, he knocked out our power making the enjoyment of a day off even more difficult. Fifth, he knocked out our cable making my wife bored and a little testy. Well anyway the power is back on and I have some time to update my blog with more Wasting Time.

Black Metal rocks! I always wanted to be a black metal rocker. I wanted to join a Black Metal band but I don’t enjoy wearing mascara and nail polish so I wasn’t allowed to join.

Big Ell is going to be a parent soon and I plan on playing numerous pranks on my children. I was thinking about traditional pranks like whoopee cushions rather than reenacting scenes from recently watched horror movies. I now have to rethink the types of pranks I will utilize.

Pimp sent me this link and I liked it so much I posted it. Dancing Matt quit his job to dance on all of the continents.

I quit playing video games a few years ago. Every once in a while I will play NBA Live or Madden but that’s about it. Anyway check out this link. Now I know why people play these never ending on-line games.

This is a link to some Computer Stupidities. Some are pretty funny but most are boring much like this feature.

disregard continue here

33 and a 1/3

2005-08-21T08:13:00.000-06:00

Queens of the Stone Age (QOTSA) was created out of the ashes of one of Big Ell’s favorite bands Kyuss. Kyuss came from Palm Desert, California in the early 1990’s and were wildly unpopular. Their heavy guitars and sludgy sound failed to please the masses but did make them favorites of stoners everywhere. I did manage to see them at the Starfish Room and was blown away. Quite possibly the loudest and heaviest show I’ve ever seen. After Kyuss disbanded in 1997. Singer/guitarist Josh Homme moved to Seattle and began jamming with a number of Seattle musicians. These jams led Homme to form QOTSA in 1998 with former Kyuss drummer Alfredo Hernandez and Kyuss guitarist/keyboardist Dave Catchings. Bassist Nick Olivieri left the Dwarves to fill out the lineup.

QOTSA are not your traditional band, they have had a revolving lineup with Homme and Olivieri as the only constants throughout the first three albums. Gone from the band on their newest album Lullabies to Paralyze is bassist Oliveri, guitarist Dean Ween and Dave Grohl. So now QOTSA is primarily Homme's band, with mixed results. Lullabies sees the return of Mark Lanegan of Screaming Trees fame on a few tracks and the album begins with his ballad then erupts with 5 great songs. Tangled up in Plaid is a catchy number but my favorite song is In my Head. The song Little Sister is the bigbest hit from the album with a reverberating cowbell further immortalized by Will Ferrell and QOTSA on Saturday Night Live. The album then veers off into some slower songs with Someone's in the Wolf being the only hit amongst many misses.

The only problem that I have with the QOTSA is that they have yet to put together a full album. Each album borders on greatness but ultimately just miss. I also miss the metal aggression that Olivieri brought to the group. Troy Van Leeuwen from A Perfect Circle does a nice job ad does Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top who adds vocals/guitars to the Burn the Witch but they simply can't match Olivieri's rage and speed. In addition the percussion takes a hit with Grohl not returning from Songs for the Dead. Lullabies to Paralyze is another very good album from QOTSA, but unfortunately not a great one.

Winamp Worthy: Tangled Up in Plaid, In My Head, Little Sister, Someone's in the Wolf

Big Ell’s Rating: Murder 2 (intentional but not premeditated) Penalty 8 to Life; This CD rocks you’ll be doing 8 to life if you don’t give it a listen.

disregard continue here

Wasting Time

2005-08-15T07:50:00.000-06:00

Like many foreigners in Taiwan I love to bitch and moan about how terrible my life is in Taiwan. I bitch and moan about pretty much everything. The language, culture, people, food, you name it, I bitch about it. So in keeping with my perpetual state of whine I have listed ten reasons I hate the month of August in Taiwan:

The heat and humidity in Taiwan makes sleeping difficult and the air pollution unbearable.
Ghost Month starts during August and I hate Ghost Month. People burn all sorts of things to keep the ghosts at bay and the already dirty air becomes even more polluted.
Chinese Valentines or Lovers Day also comes in August and wouldn’t be so terrible if I didn’t have to also celebrate St. Valentine's Day in February. So I have double the chances of buying a gift my wife will hate and not appreciate. Who doesn't think a 1/5th of scotch says I love you?
Taiwanese workers don’t want to work on or install things in your house during Ghost Month, so the leaky roof keeps leaking and the AC stays uninstalled. Wait a minute, I may be confusing this 'rule,' with the 'rule,' that says workers can’t work on the house of a pregnant woman.
Typhoon Season is in full bloom and all of the rain, wind and destruction it brings to my precious gardens.
PJ is on vacation so I can’t get a Philly Cheese Steak, to be fair there is only a 50/50 chance of PJ having any food even when he is in Taiwan.
School starts.
School administrators want to implement all their new wacky and carefully thought out ideas hatched during the slow summer months.
There aren’t many foreigners in town, oh wait I think that is a plus.
A whole new batch of newbies have hit town, asking questions that make me depressed.

Newby: How long have you been here?
Big Ell: A long time.
Newby: Have you been teaching the whole time?
Big Ell: For the most part.
Newby: You must really love teaching English?
Big Ell: I may have but that was during the Lee Deng Hui era?
Newby: Who is that?
Big Ell: Some crazy Christian guy who believes Taiwan isn't part of China?
Newby: Taiwan isn't part of China?
Big Ell: Nope, that's why it's called Taiwan.
Newby: How’s your Chinese?
Big Ell: Better than yours!

Here is another edition of the wildly popular Wasting Time.

I have heard that Mashups are all the rage with the young people these days. Check out this site with some pretty boring mashups. Most of them suck but the mashup with Destiny Child’s Independent Woman over Fugazi’s Waiting Room is great. Not that I like Destiny Child but I do like Fugazi.

Everybody loves banned cartoons. I like the cartoon with Fred and Barney smoking cigarettes but fail to see how it is offensive.

Back during college my friend scored a big bag of leafy green. Or what us Calgarians call 'shake.' It wasn’t worth smoking so we decided to make oil out of it. We fashioned a double boiler out of regular kitchen items and bought some isopropanol. We were cooking down the weed and everything was going quite well when my friend Rick started telling us that isopropanol doesn’t actually burn on contact it only burns slightly off the skin. We didn’t believe him and challenged him to prove his claim. Rick proceeded to pour isopropanol all over his hand and then lit it on fire. It looked really cool at first with the blue/red flame glowing around his hand and Rick proclaiming "See, I told you so." Only a few seconds later his boasting was replaced with hysterical screaming as he ran to the sink to try to put it out. The rest of us were rolling around the floor laughing and he kept yelling "fuck it hurts, this isn’t funny." So here is a link to some other smart guys.

Being a bus driver in Korea must really suck. The bus driver does seem to have a calm about him.

I am not sure who this guy is or what the hell he’s saying. But this is the best bitch slap I have ever seen and I have seen and been on the receiving end of a lot. When I am bit older I would like to bitch slap some guy like he did.

The origin of the alt-control-delete function. I’m sure Bill Gates had or will have this guy killed.

disregard continue here

The Great White North

2005-08-08T10:33:00.000-06:00

The Gentle Rant and Al Waxman

discussing Hans Island

Taichung blog’s are abuzz with opinion pieces regarding the crisis between Canada and Denmark over little Hans Island. On one side you have Red A from NiHowdy who first wrote about the story and has effectively argued the virtues of the Danish position. Following Red A, Karl from Chewin in the Chung has taken a pro-Danish position with rational discourse that supports their ambitions in the Arctic. On the other side there is Sean from the Gentle Rant, who with the help of Canadian icon Al Waxman has argued the righteousness of the Canadian position. I have finally decided to wade into this blog quagmire and attempt to sort out all of the information and disinformation for all of you, the thousands and thousands of people who read my blog.

I know many of you may claim that I am biased because I am Canadian. Well truth be told, I was born Canadian but my inability to skate very well left me as an outsider. I could punch like Oggie Ogelthorpe but my lack of hockey skills quickly labeled me as a 4th liner or bench warmer for my American readers. I shunned hockey for football which further ostracized me from my peers. In addition, I was raised in Calgary and was a charter member of the Western Canada Concept Party. This group gave me the acceptance I so desired and I won't stop working until Western Canada is freed from chains of Anglo/Franco Canadian oppression. I've worked hard to rid the West of all things from Eastern Canada like Pierre Trudeau, prog-rockers Rush and Moosehead beer. I also spell defense with an s and never ever use the double L when spelling words like traveling. So I think I have proved to all of my readers that I can provide a fair and balanced analysis of the situation. I have used the web page European Defence for most of my figures as the CIA Factbook is unreliable.

Advantage: Even: The Danes have a much bigger army and reserves than the Canadians . Canada draws even with a larger Navy and a much bigger military budget. The air forces are a draw. Which leads to the question, "How the hell do the Canucks only match the Danes when they spend 15 billion more euros on defense?”Advantage: Canada: The Danes have more German Leopard tanks than the Canadians but the Canadians sport a newer model. The Leopard 2 has mine sweeping capabilities and from the pictures on the web site, it works well in snow. Canada has more infantry fighting vehicles and more of pretty much everything else. The wildcard is the 118 stingers that the Danes possess. Any American or Israeli soldier knows the potential damage of these SAMs. The Danes score bonus points for being the 11th on the Coalition of the Willing hit list with 496 troops in Iraq. These troops must be battle tested by now, bringing peace and freedom to Iraq. Canada also has 31 troops in the theatre on some kind of student/soldier exchange with the States. Canada would rank 23rd just edging out Kazakhstan for 24th and last place if they were actually part of the Coalition even though they say they aren't.Advantage: Canada: Denmark has 68 F-16s that have a top speed of 1,300 mph and a combat range of 340 miles. The Fighting Falcon is small and agile and has a built in M61 Vulcan cannon. Canada has 118 CF-188 Hornets which are based on the American F/A-18 Hornet. Hornets have a top speed of Mach 1.8 with a range of 3,700 kilometers. They are equipped with Sidewinder and Sparrow air-to-air missiles, Maverick air-to-ground missiles, conventional bombs and precision-guided bombs, rockets, and an M-61 20 mm cannon. Few peace loving people in Soviet Canuckistan realize that their battle tested pilots flew 56 bombing sorties in the 1st Gulf War and that they also participated twice in NATO operations in Yugoslavia. Canadian pilots flew 678 combat sorties and 558 bombing strikes during 2,577 combat-flying hours during Clinton's War. CF-18s dropped a total of 397 Precision Guided Missiles and 171 free-fall 'iron' bombs on a wide variety of targets. So I would have to say Canada has a big advantage in the air.Advantage: N/A: Canada has more subs and frigates while the Danes have more corvettes and fast patrol vessels. I think that most would agree that corvettes are much cooler than frigates or destroyers. My friend Jason Sandmeir used to drive a corvette and he got all the chicks. This question may be moot as the Globe and Mail reported, "A spokesman for the Danish navy said in Copenhagen yesterday that the ship may not be able to make it through the polar ice at this time of year." The Gentle Rant added:

It's August! If they can't make it there in August when can they? Are they waiting for a warmer month? And we can't really thumb our noses at them because if they can't reach Hans with their four heavy, naval ice-breakers, we certainly can't get there with none.

Advantage: Canada: According to this guy at Sexwork Toronto . Toronto, Canada has a thriving sex industry. But after researching the internet, Denmark kicks Canada’s ass in all the main porn categories, from teens to woman-on-woman. Run a search for Danish porn and you’ll be impressed with its quality and diversity, Canada simply can’t match up and needs a more concerted effort to catch up.

Nobody should discount the role of celebrities during times of war. Where would George Bush's popularity be without the help of key supporters like Toby Keith, Alice Cooper and Don King? Denmark boasts a number of celebrities like Prince Frederik, Helena Christensen, Brigitte Nielsen, Hans Christian Andersen, kicker Morten Andersen, drummer Lars Ulrich and the soothing pop sounds of Michael Learns to Rock. Canada has a plethora of celebrities. Shania Twain, Donald Sutherland, William Shatner, Keanu Reeves, Dan Aykroyd, Jim Carey, Alan Thicke, Pamela Anderson, KD Lang, Neve Campbell, Celine Dion, Neil Young, Joni Mitchell, Bryan Adams, Stompin Tom Conners, Anne Murray and Roch Voisine. I do believe it is Canada, hands down in the celebrity department. Can't you picture these celebrities singing "Hey!You! Get off of my rock!" while holding hands with seals, I know I can.

Canadians think that Canadian beer is the best. I am sure that Danes love their beer too. I think they are both piss. They are both better than the crap they sell in the States. I don’t want to read any comments about some airy fairy regional micro brews that taste simply delightful, rubbish!

The most important question is, Who will the Eskimos side with? This is a tricky question because anyone who has ever dealt with an Inuit knows they are crafty. I do believe they may side with Canada because we did give them Nunavut and Denmark has been illegally occupying Greenland for a long time. Mind you I bet they don’t really care, and will bide there time until the whole Arctic is theirs.

Conclusion: After a careful analysis of all the factors and intangibles, Canada should be able to withstand Danish ambitions and keep/capture Hans Island for the time being. The bigger question is how long before Washington chooses to give self rule to all the peoples of the North from Alaska to Greenland? This may well lead to democratic revolutions from Savoonga, Alaska to Scoresbysund, Greenland. It may be called, Operation End Injustice against the Inuit, and the Inuit will be finally free to forge their own destiny, as one people. To the Danes and Canadians, “Can’t you all just get along?” Before it’s too late!

Disregard continue here

Big Ell's Sports Blog

2005-08-05T14:41:00.000-06:00

Big Ell would like to officially announce the launch of the sister site to Big Ell's Blog, Big Ell's Sports Blog. Some of you may have noticed the link on the sidebar but now there will be content for Big Ell's second blog. This blog will focus on sports and only sports, more specifically, North American Sports, like football, hockey, basketball and baseball. There won't be any biting commentary on Taiwan, music or fighting that you have grown to love on Big Ell's Blog. Big Ell wants to write about Taiwanese Baseball but the gambling scandal has him feeling down and questioning the veracity of the CPBL. It will also be the home of the many Big Ell Fantasy Sports Leagues. If you don't know, you better ask somebody. I know what you are all thinking "How can Big Ell have two blogs when he barely updates one?" Well in the immortal words of Tupac Shakur, "Fuck all Y'all. "

Click on this link and read about Big Ell-Tyson I, you won't be too disappointed.

Disregard continue here

Wasting Time

2005-07-20T22:55:00.000-06:00

David Koresh and Big Ell

A few years ago when the whole David Koresh-Waco thing was going down I thought it was time to start my own cult. I figured it would be cool to have my own cult and a great way to meet impressionable chicks. I spent hours coming up with my cult’s beliefs and practices. Next, I tried to find some followers. Owing to the fact I am not a natural leader or very charismatic my cult failed. Then I found this link to create your own cult. Here is the Cult of Big Ell and some of our beliefs:

Religion Name: The Cult of Big Ell

SLAM DANCING: 2 Samuel 6-14- And David danced before the LORD with all [his] might; and David [was] girded with a linen ephod.
JUSTIFIABLE MURDER DUE TO ADULTERY: Leviticus 20-10- And the man that committeth adultery with [another] man's wife, [even he] that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.
NYMPHOMANIA: Genesis 1-22- And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.
NYMPHOMANIA: Genesis 9-1- And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.
NYMPHOMANIA: Genesis 28-3- And God Almighty bless thee, and make thee fruitful, and multiply thee, that thou mayest be a multitude of people.
MESSIAH: Johnny Winter- It is writen in Revelation 1-14 His head and [his] hairs [were] white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes [were] as a flame of fire
ANTI-CHRIST: not among us- The Dark One is not yet among us.

For all of you Calgarians who read this blog you may or may not remember July 21st 1983. While most people were celebrating the end of martial law in Poland, Big Ell was stuck in a hole. For 16 long hours local emergency personnel were busy trying to save Big Ell and remove him from the hole. All of Calgary was riveted to the local news to find out how Big Ell would be saved. The ending was rather anti-climactic when constable Dan Pipes brought 13 pounds of lard to grease Big Ell up and out of the hole. Here is a clip of a kid stuck in a hole, it brings a tear to Big Ell's eye.

Haikus seem to be a favorite of Taichung bloggers. So here is a link to some haikus for the top 20 rock and roll bands of all-time.

Since I moved to Taiwan one of the things I have missed the most is reading the Weekly World News. So I was feeling nostalgic and went to their web site and realize they still haven’t jumped the shark. There are too many interesting and informative articles to mention here, but I did find this article on strip club etiquette. I could have used this while in Changhua but doubt that these rules apply cross culturally.

I never get tired of Old Guys fighting.

The Life and Times Of Big Ell

2005-07-19T03:25:00.000-06:00

Big Ell, PJ and Sean by the pool in Phuket.

I have been very busy for the past month which is my excuse for not updating this blog for such a long time. I would like to sincerely apologize to the 4-5 people who regularly read this blog. Now that Big Ell’s Blog is almost a year old, I plan to update this blog more than 3-4 times a month. I do have a number of compelling excuses for my absence. 1.) My wife is in the third trimester of pregnancy and doesn’t like Big Ell staying up into the wee hours to update his blog. 2.) On July 2nd we filmed a Thanksgiving segment for a potential TV show that took a ton of time to prepare and execute. 3.) I spent a week in Phuket, Thailand attending my friend the Socialist Redneck’s wedding. Now that the excuses are out of the way here are some thoughts about the events of the past month.

Don’t fuck with the turkey butchering woman at the market she’ll slit your throat in a second with an exacto knife.
Thanksgiving dinner was never meant to be cooked in the tropics in July.
If you are ever planning to cook a mock thanksgiving dinner for 25-30 people ask Cookie for help, she is a life saver and bakes a mean apple pie.
Paul Becker of LM Productions and Ryan McClure are professionals and should be used if you want anything filmed and/or edited.
Big Ell is much more comfortable in front of the camera after a half dozen beers.
Phuket is much like the rest of Thailand only it has better waves, a TESCO, 7-11s and higher prices.
It is difficult to see any Tsunami damage in Phuket. I guess that is what happens when 1 billion baht is spent in reconstruction over six months.
PJ hates British wankers in Phuket almost as much as he hates British wankers in Taichung.
Thai chefs can make delicious cuisine from any country.
Getting to eat Thai food for a week almost makes up for the fact that I get to eat Taiwanese food for the other 51, almost.
Taiwanese tourists have difficulties navigating baggage carts.
Getting hit repeatedly in the Achilles heel by baggage carts hurts like hell.
CKS Airport sucks ass.

Quotes of the month:

"Thai women want your wallet while Taiwanese women want your heart." PJ to the Socialist Redneck's uncle Craig.
“I’m like a movie star in Taiwan; I can get any woman I want.” PJ to the Social Redneck’s aunt Patty.

Wasting Time

2005-06-24T12:25:00.000-06:00

I attended a stag party a few weeks back in Changhua. It was great fun checking out the strippers although I was disappointed that the waitresses no longer dress like slutty nurses. Anyway the night turned black at some point and I woke up the next day with a banging hangover with my body aching in many different places. I am not sure what happened and haven’t been able to piece together much of what happened. With my body still aching I decided to visit my masseuse and get my body realigned. After and hour of excruciating pain my pain remains. This got me to thinking am I gay for going to a masseuse to cure my aches and pains? Or am I gay for having a masseuse? Well just when I needed questions answered I found this internet quiz that laid my mind to rest.

I'm Not a Faggot! Oh dear. I don’t seem to be a faggot at all. Luckily, George Hennard, Robert Mochrie, Timothy McVeigh, and George W Bush are all world famous non-homosexuals (probably) upon which I can model my sad little unfulfilling life. I grew up being taught serious and important things like sports and engine mechanics, with little time for the frivolity and campness which faggotry encourages. I am depressed and I often cut myself. I wet the bed when I was younger. Um. Yesterday.

What kind of Faggot are you?
Brought to you by Pushing Through

Another consequence of the stag party is that I woke up with a swollen right hand. I used to scrap now and again when I was younger. If memory serves, waking up with swollen knuckles was always the first sign that something went totally awry the night before. My car smashed up in front of the house was usually the second. Normally there was also lots of blood on my clothes, like when my fingernail got bitten off at a grad party in NE Calgary. That was a bloody mess, and took tons of clorox to clean. I am now old and fat and I doubt that I got into a scrap that night. I believe the swollen knuckles were the result of falling down on pavement and/or hitting inanimate objects who were looking at me funny. I am ashamed of my disgraceful behavior and I doubt that I became violent as that would go against the teachings of Gandhi, Martin Luther King and my lord Jesus Christ. Anyways my swollen knuckles got me to thinking of all those good times when I defended good against evil in the parking lots and bars Old Testament style. I started looking around and found that many kids are keeping with this bare knuckled tradition. Here is another good video showing some kid getting clocked. Oh the memories.

I may go to China next month and need to watch out for this old guy. He is fucking tough, watch him take down all these guys.

In Junior High we had boxing night in my basement. I organized the fights, kept the rankings in my notebook and cleaned the blood from the walls. I remember kicking the shit out of 6’7” Dave Van Hall to become the first ranked contender. I lost the title bout to Scott Jamison who hit me so many times in the kidneys that I pissed blood. Good Times! Sometimes I wish I was still in high school because the internet would have made making spending money so much easier. No dishwashing and paper routes for me, I could have sold these fights on the internet like these enterprising kids from Rogers, Arkansas. They filmed and marketed a DVD called Friday Night Fights now the cops want to talk with them. The video link is to the left of the story.

Finally, as a dog owner I found this video pretty funny. Apparently the crazy woman’s dog really likes biting crotches.

The Iron Rice Bowl

2005-06-18T03:26:00.000-06:00

In Taiwan we are inundated with news about the economic miracle that is capitalist China. Taiwanese companies and people have been rushing to China with dreams of getting rich since restrictions on investment were lifted in the late 1980's and early 1990s. Coincedentally these restrictions were lifted at the same time western countries were prohibited from investing in China because of a little uprising in Tiananmen Square. Pan-blue politicians in Taiwan use the 'carrot,' of getting rich to convince the Taiwanese populace that life under China will be beneficial to all. Lien Chan and James Soong dream of the day when they can sell Taiwan to China. They rarely mention the big stick wielded by the government in Beijing. The constant message is that everyone in China is benefiting from the economic growth in China and Taiwan should prosper as well.

The truth of the matter is that not everyone in China is driving BMWs while chatting into their new camera/pda/cell phone. Some argue that life in China is now harder for the majority of the Chinese population. The spoils of authoritarian capitalism have not trickled down to the people who need it the most, the farmers. The iron rice bowl promised by Mao has been dismantled. Beijing claims that people no longer want or desire government jobs and a social safety net. The events detailed in the following video challenge their position.

This home video from ifilm is very poor quality and shows one of two things: farmers rioting in Hebei or government sponsored thugs crushing a demonstration by farmers in Hebei. I couldn't tell who was being attacked, the farmers or the thugs but you get the gist of what happened. The cause of the riot according to the Guardian was farmers trying to fight to hold on to their land.

According to the Beijing News, six villagers and one attacker were killed in the incident and at least 48 people were injured, eight of them seriously. The fighting, which occurred last Saturday, was reportedly the latest and most violent of several assaults by up to 300 thugs who were hired by a local utilities company to force the peasants off their land.

At the very least Pan-Blues in Taiwan should be happy to know that they aren't the only Chinese leaders currently hiring thugs to carry out their dirty business. This age old practice perfected by Chang Kai-Shek works as well today as it did in Shanghai with the Green Gang or during the White Terror era.

While trying to find information for this piece I was reminded of many other cases of social unrest in China. Some fairly recent incidents of social unrest are detailed in this Washington Post article. This Christian Science Monitor article details eight major acts of violence against the Chinese government. These articles basically detail the numerous problems facing China in addition to rising ethnic tensions, corruption and high taxes. Apparently a few people in China aren't very happy with their current leadership.

Wasting Time

2005-06-15T10:21:00.000-06:00

With the end of the school year almost here, I get happier with every passing day. No more dumb ass kids, teachers or scumbag school owners to bring me down. Hopefully I will be able to update this blog on a more regular basis during my summer vacation. Mind you the first two weeks of July are already a right off as I will be in China and Thailand. Anyway here is the latest installment of Wasting Time.

Are you tired of talking like a white person? Do you want to better understand what the young folks are talking about these days? Does your job require that you become fluent in ebonics to better market your products to Generation Y? Gizoogle will have you speaking like Snoop Dogg in no time. Also check out the ghetto version of this blog.
I’m not sure about this site. It appears to be a serious site where they are trying to sell Down Syndrome Dolls. I am not sure if it is a joke or serious, you decide. The disclaimer on the site seems to indicate it is a serious site.
I didn’t follow the Michael Jackson trial very closely. I figured I wasted enough time with the OJ Simpson trial back in the nineties. I wasn’t going to get sucked into another media circus. Thankfully there wasn’t too much coverage here in Taiwan. Now that Jackson has been found innocent by a jury of his peers, I think it is time to show Triumph: the Insult Comic Dog chatting with some of Michael’s biggest fans. It may take a while to load, but it is well worth the wait.

disregard continue here

The Great White North

2005-06-14T01:16:00.000-06:00

Baitcar

Growing up in Calgary we had a show called Crime Stoppers that played at the end of local news broadcasts. The basic premise was that they would reenact unsolved crimes and the public could earn up to $2000 if they knew anything about the crime that could lead to an arrest. When I moved to Vancouver there was a show called To Serve and Protect. It was essentially a rip-off of the Fox show COPS. It was usually entertaining with the sort of problems big Canadian cities have, drunk driving, bar fights and drug busts. The show was eventually cancelled in part because of charges of police brutality.

The Greater Vancouver Regional District has now developed the "Integrated Municipal Provincial Auto Crime Team- IMPACT". IMPACT has implemented a program called Bait Car. The cops place vehicles around town with the intention of having them get stolen. The cars are equipped with video cameras and microphones to record the actions of the car thieves. They show the videotapes on local news shows to see if anyone can identify the perpetrators. The Baitcar site has it all, all sorts of different busts and some hilarious dialogue. Unfortunately the cops have installed a program to disable the Baitcar engines so no fiery crashes. If you lived in Vancouver or the lower mainland you will be stoked.

My personal favorites:

So Much for Going Home: Listen carefully for the Scottish-Canadian cop who makes the bust, hilarious.
Oh no: The guy is listening to the Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony while trying to get away. With the classic line “Please, don’t let the dogs chew me!”

Disregard continue on